


Untitled No. 8

by TtotheYong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Artist Lee Taeyong, Blow Jobs, Bottom Lee Taeyong, Denial of Feelings, Drinking, Drinking Games, Drunk Sex, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Hand Jobs, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Partying, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Rimming, Sexual Confusion, Slow Burn, Top Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Tutoring, freshman jaehyun, i will probably need to add more tags, jock jaehyun, junior taeyong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:22:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 64,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22503964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TtotheYong/pseuds/TtotheYong
Summary: jaehyun is a college freshman struggling at school who's forced to start working with a tutor, an upperclassman named taeyong. first jaehyun's grades improve, then they become friends, and then they become something else, even if it takes a while for jaehyun to admit it.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 182
Kudos: 708





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> my first time writing an au and my first time writing something so long so please bear with me. i do actually have a plan for where this is going at least? hope you enjoy :) 
> 
> comments appreciated if you'd like to leave one <33

On Monday morning when the alarm went off Jaehyun jolted awake, disoriented and unsure where he was. He slowly realized he had fallen asleep at his desk with his face pressed into an open book. He sat up, his cheek sticking momentarily to the pages, and rolled out his stiff neck as he dragged himself up to make it to the 9 am Lit class he'd been trying to finish the reading for.

Jaehyun had been at college for only a few weeks and had yet to adjust to the work load. He'd gone to a good high school and had always gotten good grades, but he had never had to read an _entire_ _book_ in one sitting before, not even for his most challenging classes. He figured he just needed more caffeine: his reading ability was fine, he was plenty smart, it was just that after an hour or so he always found himself dozing off.

Fifteen minutes later Jaehyun was cutting across the lawn in front of the English department building. "Hey! Jaehyun! You saw the email about late practice today right?" Jaehyun spotted Yuta, or rather, he spotted Yuta's long blonde hair catching the sun.

Jaehyun had not seen this email, considering he'd been dead to the world until a few minutes ago, but he yelled back, "Yeah I saw it, see you later!" as he vaulted up the stairs to the ornate English department doors. Jaehyun made it to his seat just a moment before the professor arrived. He answered a question early on about the part of the book he had actually read, and when he had to discuss with the students around him he thought he did a pretty good job at bullshitting his way through what he'd fallen asleep on.

An hour later class was almost over and Jaehyun was feeling pretty happy with himself: he'd always been the sort of smart kid who knew how to get away with cutting some corners. The professor spoke as the students started packing up their things. "As you know there is a 10 page literary analysis essay which is due next Friday. I need a hard copy submitted to the mailbox outside of my office. I will be collecting them at 5 pm sharp and if your essay is not in the pile at that time it will be considered late and points will be deducted. However, you are welcome to submit a draft by this Friday and I will give you feedback so you can improve your essay before the deadline. And I'd like to introduce you to my TA, Taeyong." A skinny guy wearing ripped black jeans and a white sweatshirt with the school logo on it stood up at the front of the class and gave an awkward wave. Jaehyun squinted: it looked like the kid had colored all over the sweatshirt he was wearing. Weird. The professor continued, "He's available to work with you on your drafts as well, and he also provides regular tutoring through the English department. If you're interested in working with a tutor for the whole term I would highly recommend him, as he's worked with me before and knows the quality of writing I require in my classes very well. Alright then, see you all Wednesday."

Jaehyun made his way through the rest of the day, through two other classes, meals, and the late soccer practice Yuta had yelled at him about, still feeling like he hadn't fully woken up. And then, instead of passing out in bed like he desperately wanted, he trudged back to the library to prepare for tomorrow's classes. He really needed to start doing his homework on the weekends, and every Monday when he realized how behind he was he told himself he'd do better next weekend. But then Friday would roll around, and after soccer practice one of his teammates--usually Yuta or Johnny, juniors who had for some reason taken his lowly freshman self under their wing--would announce some party or other, and then on Saturday he'd drag his feet through his weekend job at the diner near campus, and then when he got out of work there'd be more parties or hanging out with the team or hooking up with girls, and next thing he'd know it would be Sunday evening and he'd be falling asleep over books he had just started to read.

Unsurprisingly, even though Jaehyun had told himself to get a draft done early for his Lit professor, Friday rolled around and Jaehyun hadn't even cracked open the books he needed to read for the essay. But he still had a whole week to actually write the thing, after all. And it wasn't like he'd been slacking off; he'd been working on all the assignments for his other classes. It wasn't his fault none of his professors gave manageable workloads. Really, when he thought about it, he deserved a break. And so Friday at 1 am found him upstairs in a frat house, shirtless in an armchair that smelled like weed, with a girl on his lap licking his neck. He was pretty sure there were other people in the room too but wasn't in a state of mind to care as the girl slid off the chair onto her knees and unzipped his jeans.

~~

By the time Jaehyun reached his professor's office he was out of breath. He shoved his finished essay into the mailbox and sank down on a bench in the hallway. He pulled out his phone and watched the time change from 4:59 to 5:00. The office door opened. Jaehyun tried to hide how out of breath he was as his professor peered at him. "Just made it, I see," the professor gave a wry smile as he collected the papers and disappeared back into his office. Jaehyun leaned back against the wall and groaned. This was it, he told himself, he had to get his shit together. He would definitely get up early tomorrow and go to the library before heading to the diner for his shift.

As he left the building, someone jumped on him, using his shoulders as leverage. "Ow, what the fuck?" It was Johnny, who landed ahead of Jaehyun on the path and started walking backwards as he talked.

"One month of school down right? So Yuta and I are finally opening up our sacred apartment to the needy and lost and throwing the party of the year. Come over whenever you want and bring something disgusting to drink. See you later man." Without waiting for a response, Johnny spun around and jogged away up the path, presumably to announce his party to the entire student body. Jaehyun scrubbed his hand over his face. He figured he could go for a couple drinks and still get some work done tomorrow. He didn't really get bad hangovers, unless he actually drank enough to be sick which didn't happen often. And it was college, after all, wasn't this what it was all about? He had worked hard all week, and he had finished that damn essay and turned it in on time, even if he'd had to sprint across campus to do it. And most importantly, he was a legal adult capable of controlling himself. He went to the party. And when Monday morning rolled around, he trudged to class after 2 hours of sleep and hoped it wouldn't be obvious he hadn't gotten through the reading.

~~

Jaehyun stared at the red C at the top of the essay sitting on his desk. Most of the kids had filed out of the room by now and the professor was packing up his things but Jaehyun was still sitting at his desk, fighting a sour panicky feeling that had started in the back of his throat. It wasn't like he would get in trouble for this, he tried to tell himself. He supposed his parents would be pissed if they found out, but they probably wouldn't find out. College didn't exactly send home report cards or anything, and this wasn't even his final grade. But Jaehyun still stared at the essay in shock, and the professor's scrawled writing at the top: _"Your ideas need more development and aren't well supported with evidence--your argument is interesting but not convincing."_ And there were various scribbles and comments throughout the essay as well, none of them positive. Jaehyun had never gotten a C in his entire life, in any class. In high school he had played multiple sports, and hung out with his friends, and honestly been a bit of a procrastinator, but he still took school seriously, participated in class, and got his shit done in the end. And he had never gotten a C. He felt... embarrassed. This was the first real assignment in the class and now the professor thought he was an idiot. His face burned.

Jaehyun started shoving his things into his bag and was almost out the door when the professor called him back. Jaehyun turned around reluctantly. The professor was watching him closely, as if trying to gauge Jaehyun's reaction to what he was about to say. As always, he got straight to the point. "You should sign up for tutoring." Jaehyun tried to keep his face blank. He didn't need tutoring, just a better work ethic. He knew how to read and write, for goodness sake, he just needed to spend more time doing that and less time... doing other things. "Actually, I already signed you up. Your essay was, quite frankly, the worst I've had to read so far this term." Jaehyun's mouth actually opened in shock, but the professor wasn't finished. "You write like a high schooler, one who probably did well in high school, but who's not going to succeed at this level unless you actually push yourself beyond what you already know how to do. Taeyong is my TA precisely because he has mastered a range of writing styles that didn't come naturally to him at first, so he is especially good at teaching others. You will meet with him on Wednesday evenings--" The professor saw Jaehyun about to speak and put up a hand, " _after_ soccer practice. I know you're on the team Jaehyun, and I asked Taeyong to work around that. But you should be reminded that you can not continue to play at this school if your grades are abysmal. Taeyong will email you the specific time and place. Have a nice evening." The professor turned back to packing up his own things and Jaehyun stood there, a little thrown off by the abrupt end to the conversation.

Jaehyun was so annoyed for the rest of the day that at lunch Johnny stopped joking around with the rest of the team and quietly asked Jaehyun what was wrong. Jaehyun just shrugged it off and said, "Bad grade," like he didn't care. But he did care, and he was still in a bad mood when he walked into the library on Wednesday at 8 pm, after rushing from soccer practice--which had gone late as usual--to shower and eat before meeting Taeyong. Jaehyun couldn't help but feel that tutoring was completely counterproductive since it took up an hour of his night that he should have been devoting to his work as part of the new disciplined schedule he was trying to follow.

Jaehyun found Taeyong at the table by the far window that the older student had described in his email. Taeyong's hair had gone from black to blonde since Jaehyun had last seen him, but Jaehyun recognized him because he was wearing a denim jacket covered in writing and pictures that looked similar to the designs on the sweatshirt he'd been wearing, although this time they were all in black instead of multicolored. Jaehyun swung his backpack onto the table, wondering if this kid drew on all his clothes. Taeyong jumped a little and looked up, and then smiled when he saw Jaehyun. His blond hair was in his eyes and he gave his head a little shake as he held out his hand.

"Hey, Jaehyun right? I'm Taeyong."

"Hey." Jaehyun shook his hand and sat down across from him.

"Well, I think we should start by looking at your essay? I know professors usually don't give that much feedback but it's helpful to know specifically what needs to be improved."

Jaehyun pulled out his essay, and then sat through an infuriating hour of listening to Taeyong point out every flaw with it. Jaehyun knew it was bad already, he didn't need some kid who was only 2 years older than he was to tell him that. He barely spoke but listened to Taeyong explain the readings that could have helped his argument, and he even rewrote huge sections of the essay with Taeyong's guidance. "The professor's not going to like, improve my grade because of this though, right...?" Jaehyun couldn't help but ask as the end of the session neared.

"No..." Taeyong admitted. "But the way to become a better writer is by... writing... more. I know that sounds, uh, obvious," Taeyong looked slightly sheepish under Jaehyun's skeptical gaze, "but it's really true. And by reading more. I can tell you didn't read this stuff closely, Jaehyun, but reading texts like this will help you write better too. You'll learn to match their style." Taeyong cleared his throat and checked the time on his phone. "Well, that's it for today I guess. Does this time work for you next week?" Jaehyun nodded. "Okay, save my number so we can text instead of emailing in case we need to reschedule or whatever." Jaehyun did, and then took his stuff and found the most remote corner in the library to finally start the homework he actually needed to do.

~~

A few weeks passed. Jaehyun managed to change his hours at work to a later Saturday shift so he could actually make a dent in his homework and stay on top of things. The soccer team increased their practice schedule, which meant Jaehyun was busier, but this was a relief because it meant the team had significantly less time and energy for partying. The previous three years the team had made it to the playoffs and then lost--once in the finals--and the older players especially were more than ready to sacrifice a few parties for the sake of longer and more frequent practices. Jaehyun still spent most of his free time with his teammates, who were his closest--maybe his only--friends on campus, but he didn't feel the same pressure to attend every party and throw back every drink that was handed to him, and a lot of the time they spent together was just eating, or playing video games, or even studying.

Jaehyun also started to accept, if not enjoy, his tutoring sessions with Taeyong. For the first couple weeks he'd been annoyed that he had to be there, and also distracted by the worry that his friends would see him getting tutored by a weird kid in weird clothes. But Jaehyun got used to spending the hour with Taeyong each week, and as his bitterness faded he was able to appreciate that Taeyong really did know what he was talking about. The older student got sort of carried away sometimes talking about the readings Jaehyun had been assigned, but Jaehyun had started to find his enthusiasm kind of endearing, and it definitely helped him understand the material better. Taeyong had been helping with some of Jaehyun's other classes as well, and as the professor has promised, the older student did know how to write in a lot of different styles. He even showed Jaehyun some poetry he wrote, and Jaehyun was a little taken aback at how honest it was and how completely unembarrassed Taeyong was to show it to him.

Because of this, Jaehyun felt comfortable enough to ask about Taeyong's clothes. Taeyong didn't always wear clothes he'd drawn on, but when he did Jaehyun kept catching himself trying to figure out what the words said and what the little pictures meant. So one evening when Jaehyun had noticed that a new doodle had been added to Taeyong's bag, he asked, "Do you draw that stuff on your clothes yourself?"

Taeyong looked up. His hair was still blond but he had cut it shorter and it no longer reached his eyes, which was probably why recently Jaehyun kept noticing how huge and dark Taeyong's eyes were, like his pupils swallowed up the whole iris. "Oh, yeah, I do."

Jaehyun hesitated, then asked, "Why?"

Taeyong laughed a little and shrugged. "I don't know, I just like it? I think it looks cool, I guess, but also I just enjoy spending time on it, it's sort of relaxing." He shrugged again. "I take a lot of art classes here too, y'know, but the clothes are... just mine? I mean I love my classes but sometimes I overthink things and get stuck and that doesn't happen when I'm just messing up my own clothes." He gave a self-conscious laugh.

"I mean, I don't think they look 'messed up,'" Jaehyun mumbled. He'd gotten so used to seeing Taeyong's redesigned clothes that now he could see what Taeyong meant about them looking cool. He also sort of admired how at ease Taeyong was with having people's eyes on him, which Jaehyun had noticed happened a lot during their sessions at the library. Jaehyun supposed he was pretty used to this himself: he had been popular in high school, he played sports in front of tons of people, and he knew he was attractive which got him a fair amount of attention. But he didn't like the idea of people looking at him because they thought he was weird or different, and he was pretty sure a lot of people thought that when they looked at Taeyong, with his pale hair and unusual clothes, his slender frame and his features that were definitely striking, if not conventionally attractive. Not that Jaehyun was exactly a good judge of guys' looks.

He cleared his throat and they got back to work. Jaehyun had another essay for his Lit class that was due at the end of the week. This one only had a 5-7 page requirement but he had been nervous about it since it got assigned. He knew if he blew it it would be hard for him to save his grade, and more importantly it would be hard for him to convince his professor he was capable of anything better than a C. Jaehyun opened his laptop and pulled up the draft he had sent Taeyong earlier, and prepared himself to listen to Taeyong's critiques.

~~

Jaehyun was practically bouncing up and down in his chair by the time class ended the following Wednesday. He had gotten an A-. An A-, after that fucking C! He had been trying to keep his expectations low by crossing his fingers for a B but that was definitely an A- at the top of the paper, and the scribble underneath said, "Good improvement." Not the most enthusiastic praise, perhaps, but Jaehyun was so relieved he almost felt lightheaded. Admittedly that could have been because his nerves had been preventing him from eating properly for days. When the professor had told them on Monday that they'd have to wait until the next class to get their papers back Jaehyun had almost passed out on the spot. But here it was. An A-. He could barely wait to get to the library later and show Taeyong, who was probably the only other person on campus who would appreciate Jaehyun's excitement.

Jaehyun arrived at the library earlier than usual that evening, his hair still wet from his hurried shower. He had gone straight to dinner with the team after practice, and had finally eaten a full meal that he had actually been able to enjoy, and then he'd almost forgotten to shower before coming to the library--it wasn't like his teammates cared that he was a sweaty mess. But Jaehyun's impression of Taeyong was that he was pretty put together. Even when the older student showed up in sweats, it still looked like he had thought about it carefully. So Jaehyun had rushed through a shower and now here he was, sitting at their usual table, waiting for Taeyong for once instead of the other way around.

"Hey, you're early." Jaehyun started at the voice coming from behind him and stood up very fast, waving his essay in the air and trying to keep his excitement contained in a whisper.

"A-! Not even a B, a fucking A-!" Jaehyun threw his arms around Taeyong and hugged him tightly before he really thought about it. "Seriously, thank you, I'm sorry I was such a dick at the beginning, god I'm so relieved, shit." 

Taeyong laughed and patted Jaehyun a little awkwardly on the back. "Okay Jaehyun, no problem, really, you did all the hard work anyway...." Taeyong was wearing a thin t-shirt and Jaehyun was suddenly aware of how warm Taeyong's chest felt pressed against his own. He let go and backed up. His face felt hot and he scratched his neck. He wasn't really a big hugger normally, and he didn't even know Taeyong all that well, but he had just been so excited about the good grade.

"Anyway, yeah, thanks. I uh, I still have some stuff we could look at for my other classes I guess?"

"Okay." Taeyong sat down and they started to look at the readings Jaehyun had been assigned, and Jaehyun pushed the hug out of his mind as his skin cooled down to a normal temperature. 

~~

Friday finally rolled around and Jaehyun realized that, for what felt like the first time since he'd started college, he was actually on top of his work. He had even finished an assignment for one of his classes early, which he was unreasonably proud of. So after practice when some of the guys started talking about a party the girls' track team was hosting, Jaehyun chimed in and made plans to meet up at Johnny and Yuta's apartment later to pre-game.

This meant that, unsurprisingly, by the time Jaehyun was walking to the party he was already drunk. He hadn't really been drinking much recently, certainly not as much as he had been at the beginning of the semester, so the few drinks he'd had at Johnny and Yuta's had gone straight to his head. But he was happy. The glow of the A- on his essay hadn't faded yet; in fact it had burned brighter ever since he'd arrived at his Lit class that morning and the professor had called out to him as he'd walked by, "Good work Jaehyun, I knew that first essay wasn't all you could do." So now the buzz filling his head and the warmth under his skin just contributed to his celebratory mood.

The party was clearly already underway as they approached, and as soon as Jaehyun squeezed through the door he was enveloped by close warm air that smelled like beer and weed and underneath that something feminine, like perfume or hair products. Yuta shoved a cold can of beer into his hand and they made their way further into the house. Jaehyun played a few games of beer pong and he and Johnny won three games in a row but then the beer really hit Jaehyun and his aim went to shit, so after losing that game he wandered off towards the back of the house with a vague idea of finding something to sit down on.

Before he did, however, a familiar face caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. Jaehyun squinted across the dim living room. Yes, it was definitely Taeyong, standing near the wall talking to a boy with black hair who was gesturing animatedly while Taeyong laughed. Jaehyun managed to navigate his way over to them without tripping or bumping into anyone, which made him feel rather pleased with himself. "Taeyong! You're here! I didn't know you came to parties?"

Taeyong raised his eyes and looked momentarily surprised before smiling back at Jaehyun. "Hey Jaehyun. Yes I come to parties." He laughed a little. "This is my roommate Doyoung, Doyoung this is Jaehyun, he's one of the kids I tutor." Jaehyun wasn't entirely sure how he felt about being introduced like this but he couldn't think of a valid reason for it to bother him, so he nodded at Doyoung and leaned heavily against the wall next to Taeyong. Taeyong eyed him with an amused look on his face. "Celebrating that A- still huh?" Jaehyun grinned. Doyoung had launched back into whatever story he had been telling, the thread of which Jaehyun couldn't follow, and soon Taeyong was laughing again. Jaehyun realized he had never heard Taeyong really laugh. Admitedly they had been in a library almost every time they'd seen each other, and Taeyong's laugh right now would certainly have gotten them shushed by the other students there. It was loud and surprisingly inelegant coming out of such a delicate looking face, and Jaehyun found himself smiling automatically in response.

Jaehyun was somewhat past the point of being able to engage in the rapid, convoluted conversation Taeyong and Doyoung were having, but he found that he enjoyed just standing there listening to them. Doyoung was doing most of the talking and half the time Jaehyun wasn't sure if he was happy or angry, but whatever it was Taeyong found it hilarious. Jaehyun had thought of Taeyong as a rather quiet person, someone who was not necessarily uptight but who took things seriously and was more thoughtful than impulsive. But watching him with Doyoung, he realized his impression of him based on their tutoring had fallen short. With Doyoung, Taeyong laughed easily, and his responses were funny and sometimes downright strange, like when he started making strange sounds and poking Doyoung's chest until the taller boy swatted his hand away with a good-natured scowl. Jaehyun supposed Taeyong had probably also had a few drinks--his cheeks were flushed and his big eyes were even brighter than normal--but he was nowhere near as gone as Jaehyun was, and Jaehyun didn't think this behavior was just due to the alcohol.

Something caught the light at the back of Taeyong's neck and Jaehyun found himself watching a bead of sweat slide down the slightly tanned skin there towards his collar. Taeyong was wearing a silver chain that Jaehyun had never noticed before, and he wasn't sure if that was because Taeyong usually didn't wear it or because the t-shirt he had on now was too big and had slid over towards one shoulder, exposing the top of his collarbone. The drop of sweat ran into the chain and disappeared and Jaehyun blinked, standing up very quickly off of the wall and swaying a little.

"Woah, you okay?" Doyoung looked over at him with concern and Jaehyun was surprised at how genuine it seemed considering they had just met and barely spoken. 

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine." Jaehyun ran his hand through his hair. It was excessively hot in this stuffy living room filled with bodies. Taeyong reached out and touched his elbow and Jaehyun backed away from the touch, startled. Taeyong dropped his hand, looking apologetic but slightly confused. "I'm gonna go, uh, sit over there." Jaehyun mumbled.

"Are you okay?" Taeyong called from behind him, but Jaehyun was already hurrying across the room. He felt somewhat unbalanced in a way that he thought went beyond just the physical effects of the alcohol. He reached the couch where Johnny and Yuta were sitting with some other teammates and a few girls, and he dropped down gratefully onto it. He dimly registered a girl leaning close and talking to him, and he managed to make small talk back and laugh at the right times. When the girl put her hand on his chest and leaned in he kissed her, a little sloppily but she didn't seem to mind, and when she stood up and pulled him away by the hand he followed, filled with a sense of relief he didn't quite understand. The next morning he woke up naked and hungover in someone else's bed, extracted himself from underneath the arm of the still sleeping girl, and tried to dismiss the unpleasant feeling in his stomach as a consequence of heavy drinking. 


	2. Chapter 2

Jaehyun spent the rest of the weekend at work or in the library, and by the time Sunday night rolled around he had finished everything he'd been assigned for the coming week. He decided his improved work ethic was the reason he had skipped out on socializing since Friday. Or maybe it was that his shift at work on Saturday had been especially miserable as he tried to prevent the contents of his stomach from rebelling against the smells of grease and fried food that always filled the diner. But the truth was that after the party Friday night he'd been filled with a sort of nervous energy that didn't go away with his hangover, and instead persisted through his classes at the start of the week.

In fact, as Jaehyun walked towards the library on Wednesday evening for his tutoring session with Taeyong, his stomach was completely tied in knots, the kind of nerves that he could feel physically even though he couldn't think of a rational cause for them. He didn't have any big assignments coming up, and he was almost finished with the readings for his classes already. He had a few questions for Taeyong about some of them but he was mostly looking forward to getting a big head start on brainstorming for his next Lit paper. Even though he'd been doing better, it was still his hardest class, and he still felt like he had something to prove. Jaehyun supposed that running into Taeyong at that party on Friday might be making him feel a little weird about seeing him again in their roles as tutor and tutee. Were they supposed to be friends now? Was Jaehyun going to have to think of things to talk about other than his classes? Jaehyun also couldn't help but feel sort of embarrassed when he remembered how drunk he had been. He didn't think he had done anything terrible--he didn't think he had done anything at all, really, just stood there stupidly--but he still worried that Taeyong thought of him as just another dumb freshman who got wasted every weekend. As just one of the kids he tutored.

Which was fine, Jaehyun thought to himself, frowning as he hauled open the huge library doors. He _was_ just a kid Taeyong tutored, just like Taeyong was just his tutor. Sure, their sessions had been going better than he'd expected because Taeyong was actually helpful and nice, but it wasn't like Jaehyun thought Taeyong should have introduced him as his friend or anything. He shook his head and headed towards the table where he could see Taeyong already sitting waiting for him with a colorfully decorated baseball cap on his head that Jaehyun hadn't seen before. 

"New hat?" Taeyong looked up and grinned, nodding, like he was really pleased Jaehyun had noticed. Jaehyun didn't think he deserved much credit for this: the hat was frankly impossible not to notice. He sank into his usual seat and started pulling out his things. "I'm actually pretty much done with my homework this week, just had a few questions? But then I thought we could maybe start working on my Lit paper...." Jaehyun's voice faded. Taeyong was looking at him and Jaehyun felt suddenly self-conscious under his gaze. 

Jaehyun cleared his throat. "Uh, sorry, by the way, if I like, did anything... stupid? At the party Friday? I was pretty drunk but... I mean I don't always get that drunk, or I've been trying not to... as much...." This was definitely not making him feel better. 

But Taeyong gave a surprised laugh and said, "It was a party Jaehyun, what are you apologizing for? Anyway it was nice to see you outside the library for once." 

"Yeah," Jaehyun mumbled, turning his face away to rummage some more through his books. He handed one to Taeyong so he could look through it before they started talking about Jaehyun's notes on the reading, and as Taeyong skimmed through it Jaehyun found himself staring at the collar of the button down shirt Taeyong had on and wondering if, underneath that, there was a silver chain. 

~~

By the time Jaehyun left tutoring that night, the knotted feeling in his stomach had finally released, and he had a pretty clear idea of what he was going to write his Lit paper about. He supposed his nerves may just have been about that after all. He was also glad that after his initial awkwardness, the tutoring session had gone back to normal. Although he had, for the first time, made Taeyong actually laugh. Jaehyun couldn't even remember what he'd said--he wasn't entirely sure he had been trying to be funny in the first place--but he remembered the way Taeyong's face had screwed up and how he'd covered his mouth to try to stay quiet. They still got some looks from the nearby students, but for once Jaehyun didn't mind, and he found he was smiling now at the memory, feeling more proud of himself than he really had the right to be. 

Their next couple tutoring sessions were similarly enjoyable, although they both were getting increasingly busy again as the last month of the semester drew near and the workload started piling up. Jaehyun also had more practices than ever as the team focused on qualifying for playoffs. Taeyong had started working on his own homework during their sessions too, often talking to Jaehyun about it, and more than once they had continued working at the table together long after the session had technically ended. They even ended up working there on days other than Wednesday. Jaehyun supposed that Taeyong's ability to endure long stretches of silence without feeling awkward or needing to fill them made him a good study partner; whenever Jaehyun studied with Johnny or Yuta he had a great time but didn't end up getting much done.

In other words, Jaehyun had started to enjoy Taeyong's company, even though they still pretty much only saw each other in the library. So when he arrived late to the library one Wednesday night after an especially draining practice and saw that Taeyong wasn't there yet, his stomach sank. He checked the time. He was only ten minutes late, had Taeyong really left instead of waiting for him? Or was he just running even later for some reason? Jaehyun texted Taeyong and started pulling out his books to start his homework. When ten minutes passed without a response, Jaehyun, who had barely been able to read anyway for glancing at his phone every few seconds, tried calling Taeyong. There was no response. Jaehyun and Taeyong usually texted but the few times Jaehyun had called, Taeyong had always picked up quickly. Jaehyun felt a little uneasy. He thought back to the last time they had studied together, on Sunday night, but he didn't remember Taeyong saying anything about missing this session. And he didn't think he'd done anything that would have made Taeyong purposely avoid him... had he?

"Don't be an idiot," Jaehyun muttered to himself. Taeyong was probably on his way. Or maybe he had gotten busy with something else. Sure, he had never missed a session before, but that didn't mean his whole life revolved around tutoring. As Jaehyun looked around the library, he spotted a familiar head of shiny black hair, ducked over an enormous textbook a few tables away. He walked over to him.

"Hey, Doyoung?" The boy looked up from the huge book.

"Oh, hey, Jaehyun right? Taeyong's friend?" Jaehyun nodded, pleased that at least Doyoung thought they were friends. He wondered if Taeyong had talked about him to his roommate.

"Yeah, uh, we were supposed to meet here and he's pretty late and not picking up his phone or anything. Do you know where he is?"

Doyoung shrugged. "I mean, he was in the dorm when I left but that was hours ago." Jaehyun hesitated, not wanting to admit how bothered he was by Taeyong's absence, but also unwilling to just walk away. "You can go check the dorm if you want though. Do you know where it is?" Jaehyun shook his head and Doyoung gave him directions to the upperclassmen dorms on the other side of campus. Jaehyun was somewhat reassured that Doyoung seemed completely unconcerned by Taeyong missing their session, but he still found himself hurrying as he headed to the dorm.

When Jaehyun reached the room he hesitated for a moment, and then knocked. There was no answer and not even the faintest sound came through the door. He knocked again louder. "Taeyong? Are you in there?" This time there was a loud thump from inside and then the unmistakable sound of footsteps getting closer. The door opened and Taeyong stood there, wearing pajama pants and no shirt, his blond hair sticking up wildly, squinting against the bright light from the hallway. It had somehow not occurred to Jaehyun that Taeyong might have simply fallen asleep, which, now that he thought about it, obviously should have been the most likely scenario.

"Jaehyun?" Jaehyun blinked, realizing that he was just standing there staring. He had been thrown off by Taeyong's absence from the library, but now that Taeyong was in front of him like this, looking sleepy and so different from his usual put together appearance, Jaehyun felt even more unsettled. Taeyong's clothes were usually big on him so Jaehyun had always thought of him as skinny and small. And he was pretty skinny--Jaehyun could see his ribs as he stretched--but he was also more muscular than Jaehyun would have thought. He wasn't really built like an athlete, the way most of the guys Jaehyun regularly saw shirtless were, but his shoulders were broad and his arms were defined. His waist was very narrow and his stomach was flat and soft looking but still toned. Jaehyun noticed that Taeyong was wearing the silver chain he'd glimpsed at the party. The design was simple and it rippled into the dips above his collarbones as if it were some sort of shining liquid instead of metal.

Jaehyun cleared his throat. "Yeah, hi, you didn't show up at the library? And I saw Doyoung there so I just... thought I'd ask him and he sent me here to check. I didn't mean to wake you up though...."

"Shit, what time is it?" Taeyong rubbed his eyes and then pushed his hand back through his hair. Jaehyun tried to keep his eyes on Taeyong's face but they flicked over to the smooth curve of his bicep and the hollow of his underarm. Jaehyun had never thought one way or another about anyone's underarms but it felt strangely intimate to be seeing Taeyong's. Taeyong dropped his arm and Jaehyun's eyes snapped back up to his face. Jaehyun's cheeks felt hot. "Sorry, I was up all night last night finishing a project for my painting class. I swear I set an alarm for tutoring but... shit, sorry. I mean, do you want to come in? We can work here?"

"No! No, that's okay." Jaehyun said hurriedly, taking a full step back. "You should sleep, seriously, you still look tired." Taeyong gave him a look like, _Gee, thanks,_ and Jaehyun added, "Not in a bad way, I mean, uh..." What the fuck? Jaehyun shook his head and said, as he started walking backwards down the hallway, "Get some sleep, I'll be fine, I'm really sorry I bothered you, I'll see you later, bye." With a quick wave at Taeyong's confused expression Jaehyun turned and hurried down the stairs.

~~

Jaehyun was at work the following Saturday when he got a text from Johnny.

_Hey, party at me and Yuta's tonight, last one before we go dry for the rest of the season.  
_

Jaehyun texted back: _I have work till 1 am_ and an eyeroll emoji.

Johnny's response was almost immediate: _So?  
_

This time Jaehyun rolled his actual eyes. But when he got off work he nonetheless managed to drag himself through a shower and into some semblance of presentability in a flannel shirt unbuttoned over a white t-shirt, and then over to the party. It was the last one for a while, after all. Hopefully the team's next party would be celebrating their win in the finals. This thought made his stomach flip unpleasantly. He had been on edge all week, and now he clung to the idea that it was just because playoffs were looming, and tried to ignore the fact that the feeling hadn't started until Wednesday and that since then he'd been having trouble erasing the image of Taeyong's necklace and collarbones.

Jaehyun arrived at Johnny and Yuta's and could hear the music from a whole two floors down as he walked up the stairs. When he made it into their apartment the sound became deafening and a very drunk Yuta immediately handed him a cup of something sweet and vile. Jaehyun downed it, and when he noticed that it was making the nervous feeling in his stomach fade away he drank another cup. The lights started to soften around him and his tongue felt too large in his mouth, but the thought of the upcoming playoffs no longer seemed so urgent, and the fact that Taeyong's skin kept appearing behind his eyelids no longer seemed like something he had to worry about.

Jaehyun found himself on a chair in the corner and then dimly registered that a girl was perched on the arm and talking to him. He managed to smile up at her but didn't feel very motivated to do much else. He was very warm and content here on this chair, and even though the girl was very pretty he just wasn't really in the mood. He was probably too tired after working all day. Jaehyun noticed Johnny grinning at him from across the room with his eyebrows raised and looked away. When he looked back some time later Johnny was still making faces at him and Jaehyun's cheeks felt unusually hot. He had done this before, after all. He wasn't sure why he didn't want to this time, and he wasn't sure why Johnny's attention was making him feel so self-conscious about it.

Jaehyun turned to the girl and smiled at her again. He was pretty sure they had been talking about the music that was playing but the song had changed and he couldn't remember what he'd been about to say. The girl didn't seem to mind that the conversation had lapsed. She leaned down from the arm of the chair and kissed Jaehyun on the mouth. Jaehyun could still feel Johnny's eyes on them as he kissed her back. She slid into his lap and he put his hands on her thighs, but then squirmed away a little when she pressed her hips down into him. The girl didn't notice and he decided not to dwell on the fact that this was a strange response for him to something that usually felt good.

"D'you wanna go back to my room?" the girl murmured against his mouth.

"Um, I dunno if I can tonight..." Jaehyun managed to pull away and look up at her. He was positive she had told him her name earlier but he couldn't remember it and this made him feel even worse. He wasn't sure if he had ever told her his name at all.

"C'mon, it's a Saturday, I live close...." The girl kept mumbling into Jaehyun's neck. He could see Johnny over her head and tried to avoid his eyes. Fuck it, she was right, it was a Saturday, and the girl was pretty and certainly good at what she had been doing so far. Jaehyun nodded and stood up, steadying the girl as she slid off his lap.

He followed her a little hazily out into the cold night air and to another dorm. She really did live close by at least and soon he was in her warm room being pushed down on to the bed. She climbed on top of him and pulled off her shirt and bra, and then pulled off both his shirts and leaned back down to kiss him. Her hands were cold on his chest and he could feel his nipples hardening from the chill but that was the only thing hardening. Maybe he was drunker than he realized, although he'd had sex drunk plenty of times before and hadn't really had any problems.

The girl was unzipping his jeans and pushing them down his thighs. She pulled out his cock--at least her hands had warmed up by now--which still wasn't hard but she put her mouth on him and after a bit he started to respond. But it wasn't much. He thought she probably noticed that he was still mostly soft and he started to worry that he wouldn't get any harder and would be a complete disappointment. He stared at the ceiling, feeling slightly panicky, or as panicky as he could feel under the layer of alcohol dulling everything, and tried to focus on how warm her mouth felt around him and how her hands slid over his thighs and stomach. He looked down at her head moving. Her blond hair fell over one shoulder and tickled where it brushed against his skin. He slid his hand into her hair and she made a small sound around his dick. His hazy thoughts decided this was a good moment to notice that her hair was almost the exact same shade of blonde as Taeyong's and he wondered how different Taeyong's short hair would feel between his fingers. Jaehyun pulled back his hand and looked up at the ceiling again, his stomach tight. Despite the alcohol, he could definitely recognize that this was perhaps the worst time to be thinking about Taeyong's hair. What the fuck was wrong with him?

Whatever the girl was doing seemed to finally be working though and he could feel himself hardening in her mouth. He looked at her again and she looked back up at him. Her eyes were brown and looked very big from this angle and his stomach twisted again and he tried very hard not to think of another pair of large brown eyes. He was starting to feel legitimately freaked out but his dick at least seemed not to notice: he was definitely hard now. The girl sat up and wriggled out of her jeans. She crawled back up the bed and pulled a condom out of the bedside table while Jaehyun pushed off his own jeans and boxers. The girl straddled him and rolled on the condom and then slid down onto him, taking him all the way inside. It seemed like she was in a rush. Jaehyun let out a shaky breath and put his hands on her hips.

She started to move and Jaehyun figured he was glad he'd gotten hard after all because it did feel really fucking good. His breathing grew uneven and the girl started moving more and then she arched her back and moaned. Her face was flushed and her lips were wet. Jaehyun tightened his grip on her hips and started thrusting up into her. His fingers dug into her flesh and he suddenly found himself imagining how much sharper Taeyong's hips would feel under his palms. How much less give there would be if Jaehyun pressed his fingers into Taeyong's body, which seemed to only consist of bones and muscles and skin.

Shit. Jaehyun actually shook his head to try to get this image out of his head. But it was like his drunk idiotic mind wasn't listening to him anymore. He stared at the ceiling and felt the wet heat around his dick and couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like if it were Taeyong on top of him, Taeyong moaning every time Jaehyun's dick pushed into him, Taeyong's fingernails digging into his chest.

Jaehyun covered his burning face with one arm and tried to ignore the images that now stood out starkly behind his closed eyelids. Without being able to see the girl there was very little to remind his alcohol-drowned brain that it really was her fucking him and not... someone else. But he desperately felt the need to hide his face. He could tell he was close and didn't want to think about how difficult it had been for him to get hard until Taeyong had popped into his mind. He slid the hand that wasn't covering his face up to the girl's stomach, and told himself to move it higher, to touch her breasts, something that was undeniably feminine, something Taeyong definitely didn't have, but his hand didn't move. Instead he pressed his fingers in to the soft warm skin of her stomach and felt her muscles tighten and he thought helplessly of how it would feel to press into the smoothly defined muscles of Taeyong's stomach, and then he came.

After a few minutes his breathing slowed and the girl climbed off him but Jaehyun still didn't move and he didn't take his arm away from his face. He felt sick. He wanted very badly to leave and finally this feeling surpassed his desire never to move again and he sat up. He pulled off the condom and cleaned himself off with his t-shirt. The girl wasn't in the room but he could hear water running in the bathroom. He yanked on his jeans and the flannel shirt and balled up the dirty t-shirt and then he slipped out of the girl's room with his shoes only half on his feet.

He had never snuck out on someone like that before, without even saying goodbye, and he felt miserable and guilty as he hurried down the stairs and out into the night, but he knew he couldn't have looked at her if she'd come back from the bathroom while he was still there. He was convinced she had been able to tell something was off, that he hadn't really been thinking about her at all. He knew it was impossible for her to have known what he really had been thinking about, but the fact that he knew it himself was bad enough and the memory made his face burn. He had never thought about a guy like that before. He really tried to think back now, as he half-jogged towards his own dorm under the pale brightening sky. He really tried to go through all his memories from growing up, thinking there must have been some kind of precedent to what had just occurred, some indication that he was... like this. But he really couldn't remember anything. He had always had crushes on girls, and he'd always focused on the women when he watched porn, and when he'd gotten old enough and started dating, and later having sex, he had always only been interested in doing those things with girls.

Fuck, he felt like he was going to throw up. His steps faltered and he tried to breathe through his nose and forget alcohol existed, but apparently his brain wasn't done messing him up because as he tried to imagine drinking clear fresh water his mind supplied instead a single drop of sweat sliding down a long neck. Jaehyun stopped walking and threw up in the bushes next to the path. His knees felt weak and he dropped down into a squat and covered his face with his hands. He stayed there for a long time and tried to stop thinking. And when the sun had risen high enough to brighten the tops of the trees and students were starting to appear on the paths he wiped his mouth and his eyes and managed to walk the rest of the way home.


	3. Chapter 3

Jaehyun woke up on Wednesday and knew he couldn't go to tutoring. He had been trying to put what had happened on Saturday out of his mind all week but he still felt sick and ashamed whenever the memory popped into his head. He tried to remind himself that nothing had happened, he'd had sex with a girl, something he'd done plenty of times before, that was it. And classes and soccer had kept him busy enough that he was usually able not to think of it in the first place. Soccer was especially busy since they had secured their playoff spot and were now preparing almost maniacally for their upcoming quarterfinal game. But now Jaehyun was faced with the prospect of actually seeing the real Taeyong in a few hours, and after what he had done with the imaginary Taeyong Jaehyun knew he couldn't face him.

_Hey, we have double practice tonight don't think i can make tutoring sry._ Jaehyun texted Taeyong quickly and then threw his phone face down onto his bed and got into the shower, trying to keep his mind carefully blank.

A week passed. Jaehyun did his homework in the lounge at his dorm and went all out at soccer practice every evening and went to the gym in between practices and suffered through his shifts at work on the weekend. He celebrated with his teammates after they won their quarterfinal game, even though the team was still off alcohol for the time being, which he was frankly relieved about. And the whole time he firmly told his brain not to think about Taeyong. He had been doing a good job of this, but as Wednesday neared again Jaehyun couldn't ignore the panicky feeling building in his throat every time he tried to speak or swallow. He managed to wait until Wednesday afternoon this time, trying to tell himself that tutoring wasn't a big deal, that drunkenly thinking about Taeyong while he fucked someone else wasn't a big deal, and that avoiding Taeyong was just making it into more of a thing than it should be, but the thought of seeing him at the library again made his chest feel so tight that he finally gave up and texted him.

_Hey ive been feeling sick all day and i cant get out of practice but i think i need to sleep right away after... sry need to skip tutoring again :/  
_

Jaehyun tried to ignore the way his stomach flipped when Taeyong's response came through a moment later: _Aw ok hope u feel better :(_ But Jaehyun felt like a weight had been lifted now that he could continue to avoid seeing the older student.

Unfortunately, his classes didn't seem to care that he no longer had a very smart upperclassman helping him with his work. He was surprised what a difference it made to attend class without having at least talked through his readings with Taeyong, or to turn in writing assignments that Taeyong hadn't looked over first. His grades weren't necessarily slipping but he could feel himself starting to struggle again, could feel himself getting confused in class when people started talking about ideas that hadn't even occurred to him even though he'd done the assignments just like they had.

So as Wednesday neared again, he found that he was actually ready to believe the voice in his head that had been trying all along to convince him that his drunken thoughts were just stupid and harmless. He couldn't be held accountable for whatever it was Yuta had given him to drink that night, after all. And this wasn't any different than, say, that sex dream about one of his mom's friends he'd had as a teenager--he certainly hadn't been attracted to _her_ in real life, but his brain had served up the dream just the same. Maybe his brain had just gotten confused since he'd been becoming better friends with Taeyong and spending a lot of time with him. He had gotten comfortable with him, and his brain just wanted him to be comfortable, right? Jaehyun was just making a big deal out of nothing. Really there was no reason to stop being friends with Taeyong, and certainly there was no reason to give up his valuable tutoring services.

This didn't mean Jaehyun wasn't tense as he walked towards their table in the library for the first time in two weeks. And it didn't mean his stomach didn't turn all the way over when he caught sight of Taeyong sitting there in a light blue sweatshirt and ripped up jeans, for once devoid of any drawing. But he managed to sit down and smile and say hi with what he hoped was a natural sounding voice, and assure Taeyong that yes, he was feeling better, thanks for asking. And as the hour passed Jaehyun was relieved to find that things were starting to feel normal again. The voice had been right, his thoughts really were meaningless, and stressing over them had just made them a bigger deal than they should have been.

They stayed in the library working together long past their official tutoring hour, just like they had been doing before... all the nonsense had happened in Jaehyun's head. When they finally finished and started packing up to go home, Taeyong asked, "How's soccer going by the way? The season must be almost over, right?"

"Yeah, I mean, we have the semifinal game this Friday and if we win we go to the finals next weekend. We're playing a really good team though, they beat us last time we played them. I swear the team usually fucks around so much but I don't think anyone's even cracked a smile in weeks." Jaehyun laughed, although he had also been taking practice more seriously than ever before and desperately wanted Friday to end with a win.

"Are you guys playing here on Friday?" Jaehyun nodded. "I'll try to come by then if I can."

"Oh, you don't have to...." Jaehyun wasn't sure how he felt about Taeyong watching him play.

"I mean, it'd be fun to go. Doyoung goes to a lot of the games anyway and always asks me to come, and it's pretty bad that I haven't when I'm the one who actually has a friend on the team." Taeyong smiled. Jaehyun could feel himself blush and hoped his tutor--his friend, apparently--didn't notice.

"Uh, okay, yeah, the game's at 7." They walked out of the library together and then went their separate ways to their dorms. Jaehyun didn't have any work left to do and he was tired but it still took him a long time to fall asleep.

~~

When Friday came around, Jaehyun was unsurprised to find himself exponentially more nervous than he had been before their quarterfinal game. They were facing a much better team, for one thing. And Taeyong might be there. Jaehyun couldn't pretend that wasn't affecting his state of mind as he left his last class and headed to the athletic complex early so he could take his time getting ready and warming up on his own before the rest of the team arrived. He clearly wasn't the only one feeling nervous, however, because almost half of his teammates were already there. This ended up being a good thing, as it allowed them all to distract themselves somewhat as they passed around a ball just for fun before the coach arrived and kicked things into gear.

Jaehyun didn't usually start and while this didn't hurt his pride--he was just a freshman after all and didn't expect to start--it was agonizing being on the sidelines during close games like this one was turning out to be. He had scanned the crowd and seen Doyoung, who'd waved at him enthusiastically, but Taeyong was nowhere to be found, and Jaehyun couldn't decide if he was relieved or disappointed. He supposed it didn't matter since he wasn't on the field anyway. But Jaehyun was a good player who could do well in almost any position, so the coach usually did put him in at some point. And sure enough, at the start of the second half Jaehyun subbed in when one of their wingers collided with another player and the trainer insisted he had to come off because of concussion protocol.

Jaehyun was full of adrenaline and he could feel all his nervous energy transforming into excitement as it always did when he took the field. He looked over at the sidelines, and his eyes landed almost right away on Taeyong, who looked out of breath and was squeezing past people in the stands to take a seat next to Doyoung. Jaehyun turned away before Taeyong could look out at the field and focused on the game.

And, as often happened when Jaehyun played, he completely forgot about the existence of anything beyond the edges of the field. The game had been tied 2-2 since the first half and their team's frustration was building as they kept having chances that got stopped by the opponent's defense or deflected by the goalie. But then, with only 3 minutes left, Yuta finally scored off a corner kick. The team was clearly ready to run off the field and celebrate but they managed to restrain themselves and hold things down for the remaining time. When the whistle blew, Jaehyun jumped onto Yuta and felt at least three other people jump on top of him as the team came together in the middle of the field. They finally pulled apart and shook the other team's hands and then Jaehyun stood there grinning and high-fiving people and feeling hands slap him on the back, thinking that this type of elation that came from a hard win was incomparable. This wasn't even the finals yet but Jaehyun felt giddy, almost lightheaded.

He found himself looking around and only realized he'd been searching for Taeyong when he saw him. He and Doyoung had come down off the stands and Doyoung was jumping up and down and cheering, while Taeyong was smiling but looking slightly embarrassed of his friend. Jaehyun jogged over to them. "Hey!"

"Congrats!" shouted Doyoung, giving him a high five. "Oh my god, that was so stressful but what a good game, wow." Doyoung was actually clapping his hands in excitement.

Jaehyun laughed, "Thanks. Honestly thank god for Yuta though." He turned to Taeyong and ran his hand back through his sweaty hair, which was starting to make him feel chilled as he cooled down. He could still feel the adrenaline running under his skin and he wanted to hug Taeyong but he held back and put the impulse out of his mind. "Thanks for coming, this turned out to be a good first game to see, huh."

"Yeah, it was. Sorry I missed the first half, I was at the art studios and lost track of time. But Doyoung said you didn't play the first half so I guess I didn't miss anything...." Taeyong's eyes widened a little, and Jaehyun wasn't sure if it was just from the cold but he thought Taeyong's cheeks looked pinker than usual. Taeyong's face really was striking, Jaehyun thought.

Jaehyun grinned. "Yeah. Hey listen, Johnny and Yuta are hosting a party later. I mean the team's still not drinking or anything since we still have the finals to prepare for, so it should be pretty chill, but a lot of people will be there, you guys should come."

"Okay, cool." Doyoung agreed enthusiastically. Taeyong was still looking at Jaehyun and nodded, and Jaehyun waved goodbye and got swallowed back up by the team. For what felt like the first time in a long time he found he was truly excited about a party at Johnny and Yuta's.

~~

Jaehyun was trying not to look at the door every few minutes, but he was looking at the door every few minutes. Johnny and Yuta's apartment was already full of people and the air had gotten close and hot despite the open windows. He was playing beer pong with cups of water, although almost everyone there who wasn't on the team was well on their way to being drunk.

Jaehyun looked at the door again. It opened and his stomach tightened but it was just a few girls Jaehyun didn't know. He turned back to the game, which he and his partner were very close to losing. Jaehyun was convinced he was better at beer pong when he was drunk, but maybe it was just that he didn't care so much when he missed his shots. He missed his next one and rolled his eyes. 

At that moment the other team hit the last cup and started high-fiving each other and yelling, and someone yelled "Jaehyun!" in his ear from very close behind him. He flinched at the volume and spun around. It was Taeyong. He was smiling in a way that made his eyes crease. Jaehyun couldn't help but smile back.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you, it's just so loud in here." Taeyong somehow managed to look apologetic while still smiling.

Jaehyun laughed, "It is, way too loud. I didn't think you were going to come?"

"Yeah, sorry, I was just really slow getting ready. Doyoung told me I had to tell you he was ready hours ago." Taeyong rolled his eyes.

"Oh, is he here too?" Taeyong gestured over to the table near the door that was covered with bottles of alcohol, and Jaehyun spotted Doyoung filling up two cups. "Nice, well, I'm glad you made it. I'm glad you both made it." Jaehyun cleared his throat.

"Are you still playing?" Jaehyun was momentarily confused but then saw that Taeyong was looking past him at the beer pong table.

"Oh, no, I just lost so...." Doyoung appeared next to Taeyong and handed him a cup. Taeyong sniffed it and raised his eyebrows, to which Doyoung shrugged and took a drink from his own cup. He made a face but gave Taeyong a thumbs up afterwards, which made Taeyong laugh but he tried a sip too. Jaehyun shifted his weight a little. He had been enjoying staying sober recently, even at parties like this where other people were drunk, but he felt awkward standing there while Taeyong and Doyoung communicated wordlessly like this, and he wished he had a drink in his hand.

"Woah, that is a huge TV." Doyoung had spotted Johnny and Yuta's TV, which was indeed huge, and which was now being used by a few people playing video games while a bunch of other students watched. They made their way back there and, rather luckily Jaehyun thought, found seats on a couch that had just been vacated by the girls Jaehyun had seen come in earlier.

Sitting in the dark and having something on a screen to watch made it easier to talk to Taeyong, who had ended up between Jaehyun and Doyoung. They started by talking about tutoring, since it seemed like neither of them could think of much else to say, and then they started commenting on the video game that was being played in front of them, but soon the conversation started spiraling away to other topics. Jaehyun was grateful for Doyoung's presence, since he was great at keeping up a conversation. It also wasn't lost on Jaehyun that as Doyoung and Taeyong moved on to their second drinks the conversation seemed to get even easier. Taeyong's cheeks were flushed from the alcohol and Jaehyun was having trouble taking his eyes off him, even when Doyoung was the one speaking. This made him feel strange, but not as panicky as he thought it should have. Taeyong was just... easy to look at, Jaehyun supposed, and he was paying less and less attention to his surroundings as they talked.

This was complicated, however, by the fact that sitting on his other side was a guy from the football team who was one of the people playing the video game at the moment. The guy was big and, since the football team had not made playoffs themselves, drunk, and he kept moving around excessively as he played, as if swinging the controller wildly was going to help his character on the screen. Jaehyun tried to pay attention to his conversation with Taeyong and Doyoung but was spending increasing amounts of time looking sideways at the guy and leaning away to dodge his overenthusiastic elbows.

Jaehyun didn't notice how far he'd leaned over until he heard a sort of choked sound in his ear and turned to find that he'd been crushing Taeyong into Doyoung, who was obliviously debating something video game related with some girls sitting on the floor. Taeyong's mouth was open like he was about to say something, but he didn't speak. His eyes were very wide and Jaehyun realized that they were also very close. Jaehyun's stomach tightened and he couldn't decide if the feeling was unpleasant or not. Taeyong let out a breath and Jaehyun could feel it across his mouth. The feeling in his stomach was getting stronger and Jaehyun told himself to move back but Taeyong's eyes were fixed on his own and it was as if they were holding him there. And then very suddenly Taeyong's eyes flickered down to Jaehyun's mouth, and the writhing feeling in Jaehyun's stomach spread up to his chest and throat and he leaned back so suddenly he knocked right into the video game player's extremely solid arm.

"Dude, what the fuck?"

"Sorry, shit," Jaehyun stood up hurriedly, rubbing the back of his shoulder, and tried to apologize to the guy next to him without bumping into anyone else. It suddenly seemed very crowded. Where had all these people come from? Jaehyun glanced at Taeyong, who was looking at him with a startled expression on his face and whose cheeks were very red. Jaehyun tried to ignore the part of his brain that noticed how pretty Taeyong was like this, and instead choked out a goodbye and hurried out of the apartment, barely waving to Johnny and Yuta as he rushed towards the stairs. 

Outside, with the cool air on his face, Jaehyun felt able to slow down and catch his breath. He tried not to think about the fact that heading down a few flights of stairs really wasn't enough physical exertion to justify needing to catch his breath at all. He had just been surprised, he told himself. It wasn't a big deal, he would have been startled to find himself that close to anyone's face that he wasn't trying to.... Unbidden the image of Taeyong's gaze dropping to his mouth came back to him and he had to stop walking.

He stared up at the dark sky there in the cold for what felt like a very long time. His thoughts felt scattered and unfocused, and he couldn't blame it on the alcohol this time. He had the unpleasant sensation that his thoughts belonged to someone else and were operating entirely on their own, regardless of the way they had been working for the last 19 years. And he had to admit this had been happening for some time now, not only tonight. This wasn't even the first time Jaehyun had practically fled after seeing Taeyong at a party.

He finally started to walk again when he noticed his fingers were aching from the cold and he balled them up in his pockets as he made his way home. His nervous thoughts still spun around in his head for a long time after he got in bed: he was nervous that the feelings he'd been having about Taeyong were going to change what should have been a very simple friendship between them, and he was even more nervous that these feelings were going to change who he was in some unpredictable but fundamental way. But when his eyes finally started to flutter closed the image he saw behind his eyelids was of Taeyong looking down at his lips, again and again, and Jaehyun found himself wondering what would have happened if he hadn't run away.


	4. Chapter 4

When Jaehyun woke up the next morning Taeyong was still on his mind, as if his thoughts from the night before had threaded their way through dreams he didn't remember and now were waiting for him as soon as he opened his eyes. The nervous feeling deep in his stomach was still there too, but he supposed he had finally gotten used to it because it didn't feel like such a burden. He was still able to enjoy breakfast, for example, instead of feeling like he had lost his appetite completely. And as he headed to work at the diner he found that when thoughts of Taeyong floated idly into his mind, as they seemed to be doing often, they at least didn't make him feel like throwing up.

Jaehyun spent the rest of the weekend with Johnny and Yuta, either working out or studying. They had practice on Sunday and the celebratory air that had lingered since their semifinal win wore off quickly as nerves about the upcoming final took over. Practice went late and Jaehyun was almost eager for classes to start again on Monday just to have a break from the collective anxiety of the team.

And Jaehyun couldn't deny that he was also eager for Wednesday to arrive, and with it the chance to spend time with Taeyong again in the safe confines of the library. Jaehyun wasn't sure if he wanted to see Taeyong to prove to himself he could still think of him as just a friend, or if he wanted to see him so he could stare at his eyes and his lips and his neck, but for once he tried not to dwell too much on which it might be.

When Wednesday evening arrived and Jaehyun saw Taeyong sitting at their table, he didn't even try to tell himself that the things his stomach were doing were because of soccer playoffs or homework assignments. Taeyong looked... good. Jaehyun didn't want his brain to get more descriptive than that when he was supposed to be focusing on his homework, so he shook his head and hurried to his seat.

"Hey," Jaehyun said in a low voice. Taeyong looked up and smiled, but he looked a little uncertain and his cheeks definitely got pinker.

"Hey, uh, did you get home okay Friday?"

"Oh, yeah, I did...." Jaehyun's voice trailed off. He could feel the reason why he'd left so quickly hanging there unspoken between them and he knew he wasn't ready to hear it said aloud. "How was the rest of your weekend?"

"Oh, fine, uneventful, you know." Taeyong smiled again and Jaehyun's hand slipped on the book he was pulling out of his bag and it dropped to the table with a thud that made the nearby students turn and glare. Jaehyun blushed and sat down and was at least thankful that this drew their conversation to the topic of his books.

They worked together for a while and then lapsed into silence, studying on their own. Jaehyun tried to keep his eyes on his work but every once in a while he found himself looking up at Taeyong, at the way his thin fingers twirled his pen and how he doodled in his notebook while he worked. Once when Jaehyun looked up, Taeyong was already looking back at him and their eyes met. Jaehyun's face felt hot and he looked back down quickly. This time he was able to keep his eyes in his book until he finished the reading and they started packing up to go.

"Oh, um..." Taeyong started. His voice was quieter than it needed to be, even in the library. Jaehyun raised his eyebrows. Taeyong cleared his throat and continued. "My painting class has a show coming up, it's like our final. It's next weekend, or, well, the paintings will be up for a while but it opens on Saturday evening. I, uh, if you wanted to come, I mean...."

Jaehyun wasn't sure why Taeyong seemed to be forcing out every word for what should have been a simple invite. Taeyong had come to his semifinal game, and he and Doyoung had both texted him already asking about the time of the final this Friday, so inviting him to the art show didn't seem like it should be a big deal. "Yeah, of course I'll come, that sounds really cool." Jaehyun thought he sounded enthusiastic, and he was genuinely excited about seeing Taeyong's art for the first time (not counting his clothes), but Taeyong's responding smile was still nervous. Jaehyun shrugged it off and supposed Taeyong just felt self-conscious about people seeing his art. And soon Jaehyun forgot about it completely as he was again consumed by thoughts of the soccer final in two days.

~~

There were only 2 minutes left in the game and Jaehyun was still on the sidelines. He had been a nervous wreck for the first 20 minutes but then Yuta had scored, and soon after had scored again off a terrible play by the opposing goalie, and Jaehyun was able to relax a tiny bit and enjoy the game more. He would be lying if he said he wasn't disappointed not to get to play, but he could understand why none of the starting players wanted to leave the field during such an important game. And when they did make some substitutions in the second half, the coach had put in seniors instead who were playing with the team for the last time. Now the game was almost over and they were up 4-1. Jaehyun could feel an almost tangible buzz spreading over the sideline. Almost everyone, including himself, seemed to be on their toes, ready to flood the field when the whistle finally blew.

Despite not getting to play, Jaehyun thought the elation he felt in the pile of his teammates after the game ended was just as strong as if he had played the full 90 minutes. When the sweaty bodies finally came apart and he turned around he saw Taeyong and Doyoung right away. Doyoung was hurrying towards him but Taeyong grabbed Doyoung's hand and pulled him back before they set foot on the field, as if he was unsure if they were allowed to join the team's celebration. So Jaehyun jogged over to them and didn't think too hard as he caught both of them in a hug with his arms around their necks. Doyoung made an indignant squawk but patted him on the back. Taeyong kept his hands at his sides but Jaehyun was extremely aware of how hot the skin of the older's neck was under his arm.

Jaehyun let them go and grinned at them. "Thanks for coming! I mean, even though I didn't play I think the team still managed to scrape by." He laughed and Doyoung joined in, followed by Taeyong a second later.

"You're still coming to Taeyong's show tomorrow right?" Doyoung asked. Taeyong elbowed Doyoung in the ribs hard enough to make him squawk again and rub his side, glaring, but Jaehyun ignored this and nodded.

"Yeah, of course! I'm excited to see it." At that point Johnny and Yuta both slammed into him from behind, knocking his breath out of his chest. "Oof, what the fuck...?"

"Hi! You're Jaehyun's friends?" Yuta piped up, sticking out his hand.

"I didn't know Jaehyun had any friends other than us." Johnny said with mock thoughtfulness that turned into a laugh when Jaehyun kicked him.

"Yes they are my fucking friends, asshole. This is Doyoung, and that's Taeyong."

Johnny and Yuta introduced themselves and they made small talk for a little while before apologetically saying goodbye and dragging Jaehyun back into the fray as the team headed for the locker rooms.

~~

Jaehyun was able to switch shifts for work on Saturday in order to get out in time for Taeyong's art class gallery opening. Unfortunately, that meant he had to get up earlier on Saturday morning than usual. The soccer team had of course thrown a huge party to celebrate their finals win and he had been up almost until sunrise, when he finally passed out on Johnny and Yuta's couch. Needless to say, his work shift was not the most enjoyable. But it did come with the perks of free coffee and food so by the time he finally left in the late afternoon he was mostly back to being a functioning human being.

He had enough time for a much needed nap and a shower before heading over to the art buildings for the show. He had walked by these buildings on his way to classes all the time but had never been inside, and he spent about 15 minutes trying to find the correct building and floor. When he finally made it there was a sizeable crowd wandering through the small gallery, which made Jaehyun feel strangely proud. Obviously there were other students showing their work too, but Jaehyun was glad so many people would get to see Taeyong's paintings.

He looked around for a minute before spotting Taeyong on the other side of the room, talking with a few students and some older people, probably professors. Taeyong was facing his direction and Jaehyun waved, slightly disappointed when Taeyong only gave a very quick wave back without smiling. Jaehyun wasn't sure if he was reading into things too much, but he thought Taeyong had been sort of weird about this art show from the start. He decided to leave him to his conversation for now and started walking around the room.

He recognized Taeyong's work almost right away. The canvases were big: the largest reached from the floor to the ceiling and the rest were all at least half that size. They were vibrant and Jaehyun was surprised how familiar they looked, when all he had seen before were Taeyong's clothes and the doodles in his notebooks. Most of them combined words and pictures and Jaehyun recognized references to pop culture and other artists nestled in between designs Taeyong had clearly invented himself. Jaehyun found himself looking at each one for a long time, noticing new details with every passing second. He looked at the plaques on the wall next to them but they didn't give much information: each painting was simply numbered-- _Untitled No. 1, Untitled. No. 2--_ so Jaehyun imagined his own meanings to the symbols he saw. His feet led him slowly along the wall until he was standing in front of the last huge colorful painting. Jaehyun looked at it for a long time, disappointed to have reached the end of Taeyong's work, and then he finally moved to the one next to it.

His heart dropped. Or maybe it jumped into his throat. Either way his heart was definitely not where it was supposed to be. The painting he was looking at was small, maybe only 6 inches tall. The lines and colors were soft and blended, nothing like the stark outlines of Taeyong's other pieces. But it was undeniably painted by Taeyong. And it was undeniably of Jaehyun. The Jaehyun in the painting was seated, looking down at a book with his face propped on one hand, his hair sort of messy like he had just pushed it off his forehead. His eyebrows were slightly furrowed in concentration and his lips were parted. 

The real Jaehyun couldn't breathe but he found himself moving closer, examining every detail. He had looked at himself in the mirror millions of times, had seen himself in countless pictures, and he usually felt pretty pleased with what he saw. But he had never seen himself like this. He tried to tell himself that of course he hadn't, no one had ever painted him before, but he wasn't sure that was all it was. The Jaehyun in the painting looked... beautiful. That wasn't a word he had ever thought of in relation to his own looks before, and no one had ever used it to describe him. Handsome, maybe. Hot. But this was something different. Something that seemed to say just as much about the painter as it did about the subject. Jaehyun could feel heat spread up the back of his neck and he felt a strong impulse to cover the painting. Instead he looked at the plaque, almost terrified of what he would see written there, like it would be a paragraph of his deepest secrets. But all it said was, _"Untitled No. 8,_ Lee Taeyong, Junior." 

Jaehyun tore his eyes away, deciding he had to go look at some of the other students' work, or maybe he had to leave the gallery entirely. He felt like everyone there would recognize that he was the person in this painting and would learn things about him that he wasn't sure he even knew about himself. But as soon as he turned around there was Taeyong. The older student had been walking towards him but now he stopped dead, a few feet away. Jaehyun didn't know where to look.

"Hey," Jaehyun hoped his blush wasn't too obvious. "Hi, uh, your paintings are really cool, especially the Number 6 one? The huge one? There was so much to look at."

Taeyong smiled but looked nervous too. "Thanks. Yeah I needed a ladder for that one and everything, it took forever but I think it's one of my favorites too."

Jaehyun felt almost dishonest talking like this, as if a tiny painting hadn't just nearly given him a heart attack. He figured it was weirder to say nothing so he took a breath and said, "I didn't know you had painted me, too. Was that just from memory? I never noticed, I mean, in the library...."

"Oh, yeah, it was, I mean you've spent a lot of time reading like that," Taeyong laughed but it sounded slightly forced. "Sorry I... I should probably have asked you or something before putting you on display like this. I just felt sort of weird about it. I don't usually paint people."

"So why did you paint me?" Jaehyun asked quietly, and then immediately wished he hadn't. He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

Taeyong looked at him and opened his mouth, then closed it and looked away, at his bigger paintings further down the wall. He finally said, "I don't know, I needed one more painting and wanted to try something different, and I spend a lot of time looking at you." Taeyong's cheeks flushed and he continued, talking faster, "I mean, in tutoring, because of how we sit across from each other, you're just in front of me a lot...." Taeyong shrugged and looked back at Jaehyun. "Have you seen the other students' work?

Jaehyun was caught off guard by the subject change, his brain still replaying Taeyong's words, _I spend a lot of time looking at you_ , but he recovered and nodded. "Yeah, I saw the paintings by the door when I first came in? They were cool, but I don't feel like I really got them? I don't know much about art though."

Taeyong grinned and lowered his voice. "Don't worry, I don't think anyone in the class gets them either, but the technique is pretty cool. Come on, let me show you my favorite stuff." They wandered through the gallery and Taeyong pointed out different paintings and introduced his classmates. The tension eased and Jaehyun was relieved to find that they were still able to carry on a casual conversation, although it occurred to him that it would have been even easier if the chatty Doyoung had been present. 

"Hey, where's Doyoung? I thought I'd see him here."

"Oh yeah, he came by earlier but his brother's in town so they went out to dinner." Jaehyun suddenly had a flash of Doyoung seeing the painting of him and his face got hot. Taeyong didn't seem to notice as they passed by the last pieces in the show. "If you wait for a minute I'll walk out with you, I just need to talk to my professor real quick."

Jaehyun nodded and leaned against the wall by the door. His eyes found their way back to the little painting hanging on the wall across the room. From this distance he couldn't tell it was of him, but his stomach still felt warm at the thought. He wasn't sure if the feeling was just embarrassment or if it had turned into something else. As strange as it had been to see himself hanging on the wall, he was starting to think there was something incredibly kind about the act of painting someone else like that, and he found himself smiling a little now that the initial shock had worn off.

Taeyong approached, managing to shrug his coat on while carrying a large bouquet of flowers, and they headed out of the gallery. "You know, the painting of me, I really like it," Jaehyun said before he could lose his nerve. "I didn't say that before because I was pretty surprised, but it's good, all your paintings are. You're really talented." Taeyong looked relieved when Jaehyun glanced over at him and he remembered how nervous Taeyong had been to invite him to the show. Now he understood it had probably been because of that tiny painting that didn't even have a name. 

They walked back towards the dorms mostly in silence, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Jaehyun felt as if all the nerves he'd been feeling for the past month or so--about soccer, about his assignments, about Taeyong--had left his system in the rush of emotions when he'd first seen the painting. They reached Taeyong's dorm first and stopped walking. When Taeyong turned to face Jaehyun his cheeks were pink from the cold, and with his pale hair he looked like some sort of winter creature from a fairy tale. Jaehyun felt like if he spoke the calm spell that had spread over him during their walk would be broken and his brain would go back to agonizing over everything like it usually did. So he didn't say anything, and when Taeyong stepped towards him he didn't move back, and when Taeyong kissed him he closed his eyes.

Taeyong's lips were dry but still soft and very warm and Jaehyun felt the kiss through his whole body. He lifted his hand automatically and rested his fingers on Taeyong's arm, very gently. Jaehyun wasn't sure he'd ever kissed anybody like this, and he wouldn't have thought that such a brief pressing together of lips could make him feel so... much. Taeyong pulled back first, lowering his heels to the ground, and smiled a little. His eyes were very big. "Goodnight, Jaehyun." Before Jaehyun could respond, Taeyong turned and walked into the building.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well uh finally we have arrived at a chapter with some jaeyong sexy time, enjoy?

The next few days passed almost in a blur for Jaehyun. His classes on Monday were filled with instructions about his upcoming finals, and he very quickly started to feel overwhelmed about the workload even though soccer no longer took up his time. But even as he dutifully took notes and starting spending all his free time in the library, he couldn't stop thinking about the feeling of Taeyong's lips against his own. 

After so long being nervous about what his feelings for Taeyong might mean, Jaehyun was surprised at how relieved he had been after they actually kissed. Now that it had happened, he couldn't pretend he hadn't liked it, and he couldn't pretend he didn't want to kiss Taeyong again. The downside of admitting this to himself was that it had become extremely hard to think about anything else. And Jaehyun's mind didn't just dwell on the kiss they had shared. Instead it supplied him with a steady stream of imagined kisses: kisses that were gentle, and kisses with more tongue and hands and skin, and kisses that weren't on the mouth at all.

In short, Jaehyun was growing increasingly flustered as Wednesday neared. He was desperately excited to see Taeyong again but also wasn't sure how he would be able to just sit near him and get work done. He'd debated texting Taeyong to study together earlier in the week but hadn't been able to click send, and now he regretted his cowardice because it meant his thoughts had been running wild for days. Sure enough, when Jaehyun saw Taeyong again in his usual spot in the library, his fingertips actually tingled with how badly he wanted to touch him. He clenched his hands into fists and said hi like he hadn't just been considering spending their tutoring session making out instead of studying. Taeyong might have blushed and looked happier to see him than usual, but he seemed a lot more at ease than Jaehyun was. 

Ultimately, however, the pressure Jaehyun felt to do well on all his finals went a long way towards keeping him relatively focused. And, as usual, Taeyong was legitimately helpful as they went over Jaehyun's different assignments and came up with plans of what he should study or write about for each class. Jaehyun found that his sense of relief only grew as time passed and they lapsed into working in silence on their own assignments. He thought it was good to be reminded that, despite the lack of any of the activities his hormone-fueled imagination had been suggesting, he still liked just being around Taeyong. 

This didn't mean, however, that his imagination slowed down. Taeyong was wearing a t-shirt that wasn't oversized for once, and Jaehyun found himself spending a lot of time looking at Taeyong's arms. They were muscular in a lean sort of way, and veins stood out along his forearms. Or Jaehyun would find himself looking at Taeyong's neck, which seemed unfairly long, or the sharp angle of his jaw, or the delicate curve of his lips. 

When they finished up their work and headed home, Taeyong hugged Jaehyun goodbye outside the library, but that was it. Jaehyun wasn't sure what to make of this. He was glad that they were able to spend time together as friends without it being uncomfortable, and it wasn't like he wanted to kiss Taeyong right there in front of all the students passing in and out of the library. But the lack of any changes to their relationship after they kissed was starting to make him a little uncertain, as if maybe he had dreamed the whole thing. 

It took Jaehyun a long time to fall asleep that night and when he woke up his uncertainty had shifted towards frustration. Jaehyun liked being friends with Taeyong, but it bothered him that Taeyong, the one who had initiated the kiss in the first place--the one whose fault this all was--still seemed so serene. Meanwhile, even though Jaehyun was still sort of unsure about being with a boy, the part of him that wanted Taeyong mostly drowned this out. Jaehyun's mood didn't improve, and when his last class ended on Friday he felt like he was crawling out of his skin. He went to the gym with Johnny and Yuta, and this helped calm him down and tire him out, like it usually did. But when they went back to the older students' apartment to hang out, the antsy feeling returned and persisted despite the distractions of his two friends. 

That night when Jaehyun went to bed it was like all of the thoughts he'd been trying to sweat out swarmed back into his brain at once. He felt restless and his skin wouldn't cool down. In the shower earlier he had finally given up and jerked himself off with half thought out fragments of what he wanted to do to Taeyong floating around in his head. He was honestly uncertain about some of the specifics of having sex with a guy but his dick at least didn't seem to care if his imagination wasn't entirely accurate. But this had done nothing to alleviate his restlessness. Jaehyun desperately wanted to see Taeyong again. It had been a week since they'd kissed and they'd only hung out once, in the library for god's sake. Jaehyun wanted to talk to him and make him laugh and ask him why the fuck he had kissed him if he was never going to try to kiss him again. It had started to seem ridiculous that things had just returned to normal between them, when Jaehyun's mind and hormones and body had been driven into a complete frenzy. 

He pulled out his phone and started to text Taeyong, then changed his mind and deleted it. He stared at the ceiling. And then he sat up in bed and called him. 

"Jaehyun?" Taeyong's voice was thick with sleep. 

"Hey, hi, were you asleep?" Taeyong made a sound of agreement. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, I just couldn't sleep and, uh...." Jaehyun couldn't think of a reasonable way to explain why his sleeplessness had lead him to wake up his tutor in the middle of the night. 

But Taeyong didn't seem to notice how awkward the conversation was, and he slipped into his normal helpful role. "Are you nervous about finals? You know you're really prepared for all of them. We spent so much time on them and you're getting a head start. You'll be--" 

"Can I come over?" Jaehyun squeezed his eyes shut and dug his knuckles into his forehead. He wanted to supply some kind of explanation for asking this but he couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't make it worse. Taeyong was quiet on the other end of the line. Shit. 

"...Okay." Jaehyun opened his eyes. 

"Really? Okay, okay I'll be there soon. Don't fall back asleep." 

Jaehyun was out of breath by the time he arrived at Taeyong's dorm just 10 minutes later. He'd pulled a sweatshirt on over the t-shirt and shorts he slept in, and his legs were freezing now as he stood outside in the cold, bouncing on his feet in sneakers with no socks. He punched in the entrance code for the building and hurried inside, jogging up the stairs to Taeyong and Doyoung's dorm. 

"Hi," Jaehyun tried to keep his voice even when Taeyong opened the door. He realized immediately that seeing the older in person was doing nothing to ease the buzzing feeling still coursing through him. Taeyong was wearing a long sleeve t-shirt and pajama pants that were too long. His hair was a mess but his eyes looked fully awake. There was something soft about him like this but Jaehyun didn't feel very soft himself.

"Hi, d'you wanna come in?" Taeyong started to step back but Jaehyun reached out and grabbed his arm, keeping him in the doorway. 

"Taeyong...." The older just watched him with his dark eyes and said nothing but Jaehyun hadn't really said his name to get a response. "I want to kiss you again." He wasn't sure where this boldness was coming from, but maybe his frustration had just become too much for him not to do something about it. Jaehyun saw Taeyong's eyes widen in surprise and maybe something else, something darker, and then Taeyong nodded slightly. 

The kiss this time was different than before. Jaehyun still had one hand gripping Taeyong's upper arm and he could feel the older's bicep flexing as he raised his hand to Jaehyun's hip. They were still in the doorway and Jaehyun walked forward, his body pushing into Taeyong's before the older started stepping backwards. Taeyong awkwardly managed to close the door without breaking the kiss but a moment later he did pull away. 

"Um, do you want to come to my room? Doyoung's asleep...." Taeyong kept his voice a whisper and Jaehyun shivered and nodded. He was a little nervous to be finding himself in a situation where they could do more than just kiss, but he was also definitely turned on. He followed Taeyong to his small bedroom and after closing the door the older kissed him again. He put his arms up around Jaehyun's neck and Jaehyun felt a little dizzy at the way this pressed their bodies together. He was already hard--he thought he might have been hard since Taeyong had opened the door--and he felt a little self-conscious because he was pretty sure Taeyong could tell and all they had done was kiss, after all. But Taeyong didn't seem to mind. Instead he pressed closer against Jaehyun and stuck his tongue in his mouth, and Jaehyun made a small sound of surprise and arousal that immediately made him blush. 

Jaehyun pressed his fingers into Taeyong's sides and could feel his ribs and the muscles in his back. He found the hem of Taeyong's shirt and tentatively slipped his hands underneath. Taeyong's skin was very warm and Jaehyun slid his hands up further, feeling his sharp shoulder blades moving under the skin. Taeyong's hands were under Jaehyun's shirt now too, on his stomach and then his chest, and when he slid his fingers over Jaehyun's nipples the younger accidentally bit down on Taeyong's bottom lip. 

"Shit, sorry," Jaehyun gasped, pulling away and taking his hand off Taeyong's body so he could touch his lip apologetically. Taeyong's face was flushed and he smiled a little, amused, which made Jaehyun blush even more. 

"It's okay, Jaehyun...." Taeyong's hands were still under Jaehyun's shirt and now they pulled his shirt and sweatshirt up. Jaehyun raised his arms obediently and then stood there shirtless while Taeyong's eyes slid over his body, his defined chest and abs, the now obvious hardness in his shorts. He felt self-conscious in a way he didn't usually feel with girls, but he also liked the way Taeyong looked at him. Taeyong reached back and pulled off his own shirt and Jaehyun's breathing stuttered. He had seen Taeyong shirtless before but the fact that he could actually touch him this time made it very different. Jaehyun reached out and slid his fingertips along Taeyong's collarbone. The silver chain was there and was surprisingly cool in contrast to Taeyong's skin. Jaehyun stepped closer again, almost helplessly, and their lips met, and Jaehyun exhaled into Taeyong's mouth when their bare chests and stomachs aligned, and then things started moving faster and Jaehyun started to lose track of some of the details. 

They ended up on Taeyong's bed; Jaehyun was on his back while Taeyong was propped on his side next to him, leaning over him as they kissed. Jaehyun squirmed his arm underneath Taeyong's side and wrapped it around his waist, curling his fingers over the older's hip, while his other hand curved around Taeyong's neck and up into his hair. Jaehyun could feel Taeyong's hand moving over him, sticking a little as Jaehyun started to sweat, pressing his fingers into his arms and stomach, and then lower. Jaehyun's stomach tightened and he could feel Taeyong hesitate, pulling away a little and breaking their kiss. Before Taeyong could say anything, before he could apologize or ask if they should stop, Jaehyun gently took the older's wrist and pushed it down in the direction it had been going. Taeyong palmed Jaehyun's length through his shorts and the younger let out a sort of strangled hum. 

Taeyong's hand stayed where it was, and Jaehyun didn't think the older was trying to be a tease but it was quickly becoming difficult to think straight. He tightened his grip on Taeyong's waist and slid his other hand over Taeyong's stomach, hoping that the older was just hesitating because he didn't know what Jaehyun was comfortable with. When he pushed his hand under the waistband of Taeyong's pants and curled his fingers around his length Taeyong stopped kissing him and pressed his forehead against the side of Jaehyun's face, breathing hard. It was strange to have someone else's dick in his hand, but Jaehyun started moving his hand the way he usually touched himself and the sound of Taeyong's breathing getting faster made something ache in his chest. 

Jaehyun was at least right about Taeyong's hesitation, because after a moment Taeyong pushed Jaehyun's shorts down a little and wrapped his hand around his cock, sliding his thumb over the head which made Jaehyun hiss sharply. Taeyong kept his face hidden, his lips occasionally brushing against Jaehyun's neck and making him shiver despite how hot his entire body felt. Taeyong started moving his hand faster and Jaehyun did the same. He didn't want to come embarrassingly fast like this but he could already feel his orgasm approaching. The thought popped into his head that it had been building for days, maybe for the entire week since they'd first kissed, and he almost laughed, feeling a little giddy as the pressure built in the pit of his stomach. He tried to focus on what his hand was doing to Taeyong, listening to the older's breaths in his ear to figure out what he liked, what made him gasp or moan.

Taeyong had shifted one leg so it lay over Jaehyun's and he started to move his narrow hips into Jaehyun's hand, and then Jaehyun heard, very quietly in his ear, almost indistinguishable from a breath, "Faster." The ache in Jaehyun's chest flared again at the sound of Taeyong's voice and he closed his eyes and complied, shifting towards Taeyong a little to get better leverage. Taeyong started kissing Jaehyun again, on his neck this time, and then Jaehyun felt his tongue slide along his skin and he groaned. 

"Taeyong... shit." Taeyong's hand tightened around him slightly and he slid his thumb over the head again. Jaehyun was gripping Taeyong's side so tightly he worried it might hurt but he thought if he relaxed any part of him he might just come on the spot. A moment later Jaehyun had started to realize he was going to come soon anyway. He tried to remember to keep moving the hand on Taeyong's dick but he wasn't sure he was doing a great job of that anymore. Taeyong licked his neck again, and Jaehyun let out a shuddering breath that he barely managed to keep from turning into a moan, and he came over Taeyong's hand and his own stomach and chest. 

He stared dazedly up at the ceiling for a moment and only noticed his hand had gone completely slack around Taeyong when the older pushed it away and started to jerk himself off quickly. "No, wait, sorry, I can--" but Taeyong just pushed his face into Jaehyun's neck and moaned and Jaehyun could feel the muscles in his back clench as his come mixed with Jaehyun's across the younger's torso. 

They lay there without moving. As the pleasure wore off Jaehyun felt a strange mix of being physically relaxed even as his brain started to kick back in. He felt a little weird, almost nostalgic for the uncomplicated innocence of the first kiss they had shared, which he told himself made no sense since he had been desperate for more all week. Taeyong was half on top of him and Jaehyun could feel the older's breathing slow down and he tried to match his own breathing to it. After a few minutes he started to worry Taeyong might have fallen asleep, and even though this struck him as kind of adorable, he didn't want to keep lying there like this, mostly because he was still covered in both of their come. Jaehyun tried to slide out from under Taeyong carefully but the older stirred and sat up. Jaehyun slid to the edge of the bed and stood, looking down at himself. 

"The bathroom's right next door," Taeyong suggested, eyeing the drying come on Jaehyun's still flushed skin. Jaehyun just nodded, not quite trusting his voice, and went to clean himself up. When he came back Taeyong was pretty much where he'd left him on the bed, although he'd pulled his pants back up all the way. He had his legs crossed and the way he slouched made him look very small. Jaehyun felt a little awkward as he found his shirt and sweatshirt on the floor and pulled them back on, looking around for his sneakers. "You can stay if you want," Taeyong said.

"Oh, uh, I have to wake up early for work tomorrow so I should go back."

Taeyong nodded. "You're okay though, right?" Jaehyun stopped fiddling with his sneakers and looked at Taeyong seriously. 

"Yeah, I am, really," Jaehyun hesitated, but then made himself continue. "Honestly, I should tell you I haven't, um, done any of this with a guy before." Taeyong didn't look surprised and Jaehyun tried not to think too hard about what _that_ might mean. "But I liked it... with you. Really. I just can't stay over 'cause of work, that's it." Jaehyun also knew he wouldn't be able to sleep if he stayed here next to Taeyong and had to keep thinking about what had just happened, but he decided that part didn't need to be said.

"Okay," Taeyong smiled and stood up. Jaehyun finally got his feet in his shoes properly and they walked out to the front door. Jaehyun hesitated there and then kissed Taeyong. 

"G'night. Or, I guess morning?" 

"Yeah, sleep well." Taeyong smiled and Jaehyun slipped out the door, closing it quietly behind him, hoping Doyoung had continued sleeping soundly this entire time. 

The weird feeling that had started earlier persisted the whole walk home, but Jaehyun wasn't sure it was a bad kind of weird. At least the restlessness he'd felt earlier was gone, and when he climbed into his own bed he dropped easily into sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this chapter is pretty soft and fluffy i hope you enjoy! bc there is some angst on the way :/

Jaehyun woke up early on Saturday and headed straight to work for a double shift. He hadn't been lying about that, at least: one of his coworkers had asked him to cover for her so he had a daunting 10 hours ahead of him. Luckily he woke up feeling like he had never slept so well. He texted Taeyong _good morning_ and the smiley emoji he sent matched the smile on his own face. He couldn't use his phone at work but when he finally got a break Taeyong had responded, and Jaehyun spent his whole lunch texting with him, about random easy things, but maybe with a flirtier edge than before.

Jaehyun's good mood lasted through his entire shift which was frankly shocking because working at a diner that primarily served hungover college students was not the most pleasant way to spend a Saturday. He met up with Johnny and Yuta for dinner afterwards and then, instead of going back to their apartment as they begged him to do, he dragged himself dutifully to the library to start working on his finals. He honestly couldn't believe he was there on a Saturday night, but as soon as he got there he could tell he wasn't the only one starting to feel the pressure. The library was quieter than usual but far from empty. He texted Taeyong to see if he wanted to come study too, his face warming sort of pleasantly at the thought, but Taeyong's belated response told him he was out at one of his and Doyoung's friend's birthday parties. Jaehyung tried not to feel too disappointed and got back to work.

The rest of the 2 weeks of finals passed in much the same way, except that he and Taeyong did get to study together sometimes, and sometimes their study sessions ended with them making out outside in the dark, hidden behind the library or next to Taeyong's dorm. But half the time Taeyong was in the art studios instead, finishing a portfolio for his printmaking class, so Jaehyun didn't get to see him much. Instead Jaehyun had taken to popping into the gallery to look at _Untitled No. 8,_ which he had started to think of as _his_ painting, every chance he could get.

After the agonizing week between their first kiss and... whatever else they had done in Taeyong's room, Jaehyun was surprised to find he was pretty content with how things were going now. It felt easy. He liked Taeyong, and he knew Taeyong liked him too, and he felt confident that this wouldn't change even if they barely saw each other now during finals. He had always associated actually developing feelings for someone with an unnecessary amount of stress, and had therefore mostly tried to avoid putting himself in that position, but it didn't feel that way with Taeyong. 

He also had to admit to himself that part of his comfort with the limbo they'd found themselves in came from the fact that there wasn't any pressure to define what was going on between them, or to let it disrupt the careful equilibrium he had created for himself between school and socializing. When he wasn't studying, he hung out with Johnny and Yuta, or he hung out with Taeyong (and sometimes also Doyoung), but even though they had all met before at Johnny and Yuta's party, Jaehyun didn't make any effort to see them all at the same time. And if Doyoung was present, Jaehyun and Taeyong hung out the way they had before anything had happened between them, just as friends. Even when they were alone, in the library or dining hall, they basically kept things platonic, except for the times Jaehyun would yank Taeyong to some deserted corner of campus to steal a kiss. 

Ultimately, another perk of this casual situation was that Jaehyun was able to focus on studying and ended up doing very well on all his finals. Of course his Lit professor took the longest to post their grades, which threatened to dissolve Jaehyun's newfound serenity towards the end of the finals period. But when he finally got his essay back and had gotten an A, he dropped his head back and actually laughed out loud in relief. He texted Taeyong right away to ask him where he was, and the older responded that he was at the dining hall. Jaehyun jogged from his dorm all the way there and as he approached he saw Taeyong coming out of the front doors with Doyoung and some other kids he didn't know.

"Hey! Hi." Jaehyun grinned at him and held up his essay, his breath visible in front of him in the winter air.

Taeyong squinted at the essay and then grinned. "Congrats! I'm not surprised though you know." Taeyong reached out and grabbed Jaehyun's hand and leaned forwards. Jaehyun's stomach dropped and his eyes slid immediately to Doyoung and the other students. They weren't paying any attention but Jaehyun had already stepped back and jerked his hand away from Taeyong's. 

"Thanks," Jaehyun laughed and stuck his cold hand in his pocket as if that had been the only reason he'd pulled away. Something passed over Taeyong's face but then he smiled again and Jaehyun wasn't sure if he'd imagined it. When they headed back to Taeyong and Doyoung's dorm afterwards to binge the TV show Doyoung was most recently obsessed with, Jaehyun forgot all about the awkward moment in their easy banter.

The next day Jaehyun got up early to pack: he had an evening train back home for the holidays. After New Year's Day he'd be returning to campus. Even though classes didn't start again until mid-January, the soccer team would start their off-season workout schedule early, and eventually in the spring they would have informal games against other schools. He was looking forward to a real break from school, and to getting to see his family again, since he'd never been away from them for so long before. But he already missed Taeyong. They had only been seeing each other sporadically as it was but the knowledge that Taeyong was close by was still nice, and he knew texting each other from different states wouldn't be the same. 

Jaehyun's roommate had left at an ungodly hour of the morning to catch a flight so Jaehyun texted Taeyong. The freshman dorms had a lot less privacy than the upperclassman housing did, so Jaehyun never had people over, but now he had the space all to himself, and he didn't want to leave for two weeks without seeing Taeyong first.

There was a knock on the door a while later and Jaehyun found himself smiling even before he opened it. When he did he pulled Taeyong into a hug right away, and the older's "Hey" turned up in a tone of surprise at the end.

"Hey," Jaehyun responded. He had his arms wrapped all the way around Taeyong and just stood there rocking on his feet a little.

Taeyong let out a little laugh after a moment. "Jae, uh, Jaehyun, what's gotten into you?" Jaehyun's face warmed at the nickname--Taeyong had never called him that before but he definitely liked it--and just squeezed the older tighter. He turned his head and kissed Taeyong on the cheek, and then kissed him again and again. Taeyong really laughed this time. "Oh my god, what are you doing...." He started to squirm in Jaehyun's arms, pushing his hands against the younger's chest to try to escape. Jaehyun kissed him on his ear and on his temple and next to his eye, giggling a little too, and then he shifted and found Taeyong's lips and the older immediately went still, his fists relaxing against Jaehyun's chest.

Jaehyun kept one arm around Taeyong and slid the other up until he was cradling the older's long neck and jaw. His whole body felt warm, and while he was starting to get turned on as the kiss deepened, he didn't think that was all the feeling was. He had just been so... content for the past couple weeks. Things had been so easy between them, he thought. They'd been able to spend time together as friends and Jaehyun hadn't found himself overthinking it, which had been a relief. And now he had Taeyong here, alone, and he could hold him and kiss him and not overthink that either.

He turned them around and moved towards the bed, and when Taeyong backed into it he sat down and scooched back to lie on the pillows. Jaehyun crawled over him and kissed him again. He pulled Taeyong's shirt off and then his own and eased himself back down on top of Taeyong, trying not to crush him but also wanting to feel as much of his body as possible. Taeyong shifted his legs so Jaehyun's body sank down between them, and then he rolled his hips up into Jaehyun's. He could tell Taeyong was hard already and he felt a little breathless at the thought. He slid his hand down between them and fumbled with Taeyong's zipper, and the older helped him undo it. Jaehyun sat up on his knees to pull Taeyong's pants and boxers off, and then he just stopped for a second, kind of stunned that Taeyong was lying there naked. For him. Last time, even though he'd touched a lot of Taeyong, neither of them had taken all their clothes off, and he had never seen Taeyong completely exposed like this. The older's stomach moved quickly with his breath and his chest and cheeks were flushed. His legs were long and slender but strong looking, like the rest of him, and his dick curved up against his abdomen.

Jaehyun dropped a hand down onto Taeyong's thigh, almost without thinking, just looking at him. He started to lean forward again but Taeyong said, "You too," in a quiet voice. Jaehyun swallowed and then stood up and took off the rest of his own clothes while Taeyong watched. Taeyong didn't seem uncomfortable with Jaehyun looking at him, but the younger felt a little awkward standing up like he was on display, so he returned to the bed quickly and kissed Taeyong again. There was suddenly so much more skin to touch and he wanted to touch all of it but also felt a little overwhelmed. He focused on kissing Taeyong, sliding his tongue into the older's mouth, trying to get somehow closer.

Taeyong abruptly pushed Jaehyun off onto his back and climbed on top of him, kissing him harder than before. He didn't seem as concerned about crushing Jaehyun as Jaehyun had been about crushing him, and he lowered his lithe body down against the younger's. This was... a lot. And then Taeyong pulled away and looked at Jaehyun with his very large eyes and said, "Can I use my mouth?"

Jaehyun blinked, his brain trying to catch up to suddenly having to think and speak. "What?"

"I want to suck your dick." Jaehyun knew he didn't manage to hide the shock from showing on his face. It wasn't that the concept of a blow job was so surprising in itself, but hearing Taeyong say it like that... shit. Jaehyun didn't think he had ever fully appreciated how nice Taeyong's voice was. And there was something about how calm and confident Taeyong was, lying on top of him and telling him what he wanted to do--it was just _hot_. He managed to nod.

Taeyong kissed him quickly on the mouth, and then on the neck, then his chest, just quick pecks as he moved down Jaehyun's body. Jaehyun's heart was pounding very hard. He'd had his dick sucked before but he didn't remember ever anticipating it so much, at least not since the first time his high school girlfriend had done it. He supposed maybe it was just because he'd never had a guy do it before. Taeyong was lying on his stomach between Jaehyun's legs now and kissing his hip bones, his bony fingers pressing into Jaehyun's thighs. Even just having the older's face this close to his dick was almost too much.

Jaehyun propped himself up on his elbows to watch as Taeyong moved his face closer, still laying soft kisses along Jaehyun's skin, until he pressed his lips against Jaehyun's dick, and then stuck his tongue out and licked all the way up it. Jaehyun let out all his breath. Taeyong held the base of Jaehyun's dick and swirled his tongue around the head and then closed his lips around it. Jaehyun squirmed a little and Taeyong lifted his eyes up to meet his, an almost questioning look in his eyes that was hard for Jaehyun to pay attention to when he was so distracted by how Taeyong looked with his pink lips around his dick. Jaehyun nodded a little and Taeyong took more of him into his mouth, starting to bob his head and find a rhythm.

The heat in Jaehyun's stomach was building fast. He was convinced Taeyong's mouth was warmer and wetter than other people's mouths, because he couldn't think of any other reason why it should feel so much better than most of the times he'd gotten his dick sucked before. It also helped that Taeyong looked so... pretty. Jaehyun wasn't sure how it had taken him so long to notice. There was something almost exquisite about the angles of his face. Taeyong's skin was flushed high on his cheeks and across his nose, and his eyebrows furrowed as he took Jaehyun deeper into his mouth.

Jaehyun tipped his head back and stared up at the ceiling for a minute because looking at Taeyong's face was going to make him come way too quickly, and more than wanting to avoid embarrassment he just didn't want it to be over yet. He felt something shift in the way Taeyong was moving, maybe he was going faster or had leaned forwards or something, and Jaehyun looked down again and almost choked. Taeyong was squirming, pressing his hips into the mattress. "Taeyong--" Taeyong's eyes opened and snapped up to Jaehyun but he didn't take his mouth off the younger's dick and he didn't stop writhing into the mattress. Instead he kept their eyes locked and slid his mouth all the way down Jaehyun's shaft. "Fuck," Jaehyun gasped and reached out his hand to Taeyong's head. "Taeyong, wait, I'm gonna come, stop." Taeyong ignored him. Jaehyun saw him reach down underneath himself and shift his hips as he started to jerk himself off. He started making little whimpering sounds around Jaehyun's dick. Jaehyun gave up on holding himself up on his elbows and dropped back onto his pillow, breathing hard, his muscles tense, as Taeyong's mouth pushed him closer to the edge, and then past it. Jaehyun pressed arm over his face as he found his release and came into Taeyong's mouth, who moaned and shuddered between Jaehyun's legs.

Taeyong slid his mouth off Jaehyun's dick and Jaehyun could hear him panting and could feel his breath on his skin. "Fuck, Taeyong, that felt so good, you're... really good at that." Jaehyun heard Taeyong laugh a little and felt him drop his forehead onto his thigh. "Did you... um, come too?" Jaehyun heard a muffled _mmhm_ and felt the vibrations of the sound go through his thigh, and then Taeyong kissed the skin there and Jaehyun was sort of amazed by how gentle he could be after sucking him off so... vigorously. "C'mere..." Jaehyun mumbled, and Taeyong crawled up the bed. His come was on top of the blanket but Jaehyun couldn't bring himself to care at the moment, so he just wriggled underneath the blanket and held it up for Taeyong to slip under too. The older lay on his back next to Jaehyun. "No, come here," Jaehyun repeated softly.

Taeyong raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you pouting right now?"

Jaehyun blushed. "No! What? I don't... pout. I just... come on...."

"Why don't you come over here?" Taeyong's eyes looked amused.

"Well I'm pretty sure I make a better pillow than you."

"Excuse me?" Taeyong turned his head to look at Jaehyun fully now. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"What? You're kind of bony." Taeyong let out a sort of disbelieving laugh. "Come on, Taeyong..." Jaehyun heard the pout now in his own voice but he didn't care. "You know I like your body, you're perfect, seriously, but you have to admit you're... sharp."

"Oh my god," Taeyong rolled his eyes but moved closer to Jaehyun and rested his head on his chest, curling into his side while Jaehyun maneuvered his arm around the older's shoulders. "When do you have to go to the train?"

"Uh..." Jaehyun turned and looked at his phone on the bedside table. "In like an hour." Taeyong hummed in response and moved a little closer against Jaehyun. Jaehyun asked, "Are you going home too?"

"Nah, I always stay here for break. My family's almost never in one place at the same time--my sister lives abroad with her husband and kid, and my mom and dad both travel for their jobs constantly. And I went to boarding school for high school anyway and since it was always so hard to be in one place the holidays just kind of stopped being an important time for us? It's nothing like... dramatic or anything. We usually manage to take a family vacation during the summer instead, and I just spend the year at school pretty much." 

"Wow. I've honestly never been away from home before this. I barely know how I made it this far without seeing them."

"Maybe because of a certain tutor guiding you...."

Jaehyun laughed. "Uh huh, sure. What about Doyoung? Does he stay too?"

"No, his family always takes trips over the winter break. I think they're going to Mexico this year. He invited me but honestly I really like being here when most of the students are gone. It's quiet, and the art studios are always empty so I get to work on my own things a lot."

"Can I see your other art someday, maybe?"

"Yeah, of course. I mean nothing's really done right now though."

Jaehyun felt a little weird asking but his curiosity got the best of him. "Is anything else... of me?"

Taeyong made a noncommital sound that Jaehyun couldn't interpret. "Not really, I haven't painted anything else of you since the one in my final show. But I guess there are things in my other paintings that came out of... thinking about you? Even though it's not like, recognizably of you or anything." Jaehyun's chest felt very warm and he smiled even though Taeyong couldn't see it. They were quiet for a minute and then, "Jae?"

"Yeah?"

"You like me right?"

"What? Yeah, obviously I like you. Why?"

"I dunno. Just wanted to check." Jaehyun thought from the inflection of Taeyong's voice that he might have been about to say more but he stayed quiet. Jaehyun couldn't see his face at this angle. He ran his fingers through Taeyong's blond hair and slid his other hand up and down the older's arm where it lay across his chest, and they lay that way quietly for a while. Finally Jaehyun had to admit that he had waiting as long as possible and that if he didn't get up now he'd miss his train.

"Taeyong?" There was no answer and Jaehyun felt a strange surge of tenderness towards this boy who felt comfortable enough to fall asleep on his chest. He shook Taeyong's shoulder gently. "Hey, I have to go...." Taeyong groaned but rolled off him. Jaehyun got up and got dressed, trying to stay focused on gathering all his things instead of just gazing at Taeyong's form in his bed. He was on his back now, and the side of his face that had been lying on Jaehyun's chest was very pink. The covers had slid down to his waist and his chest rose and fell slowly, the frown on his face easing as he slipped back into sleep. Jaehyun requested a car to pick him up and wrote a note with the door code for when Taeyong woke up, and then sat down on the bed. He brushed Taeyong's blonde hair off his forehead and rested his hand lightly on the older's face. "I'll miss you," he whispered. Taeyong didn't stir. He leaned down and kissed him on the lips, and Taeyong made a small sound in his sleep. He imagined the warmth of the kiss lingering on his mouth the whole train ride home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this story might be longer than i expected so i hope you bear with me! i'm trying to think about a realistic way for their relationship to develop (??) and i feel like since jaehyun only just recently recognized his feelings/hasn't felt this way about a guy before, having him jump in wholeheartedly might not be exactly what would happen... and they still have another whole semester for me to write after all :) there are some ups and downs ahead so things should stay interesting at least hehe... thanks for reading! <3<3


	7. Chapter 7

When Jaehyun finally arrived back at the house he grew up in his whole family was asleep. He tiptoed through the dark to his bedroom, which looked exactly as he had left it in August, down to the beach towel hanging over the back of his desk chair. It was weird coming back on a winter night to a room he had last been in in the heat of late summer. 

He wanted to shower but also very badly wanted to sleep and this won out in the end. It was nice to crawl back into his own bed--much more comfortable than the narrow bed in his dorm at school--that smelled the same as he remembered, a scent he had never noticed before because he'd been surrounded by it all the time. But he also couldn't help but think of Taeyong. He wondered if he was still asleep in Jaehyun's bed where he'd left him. Probably not--it had only been about 7 pm when Jaehyun had left so he supposed Taeyong had probably woken up at some point and gone back to his own room. But Jaehyun liked remembering how Taeyong had looked, naked and asleep in Jaehyun's bed. It turned him on, because Taeyong's body always turned him on, but there was also something tender about it, because people always seemed more innocent in their sleep. Taeyong looked younger and Jaehyun had felt this strange desire to take care of him. Not that he thought Taeyong actually needed taking care of, least of all by him, but he had looked so soft when Jaehyun had left that the impulse remained. Jaehyun finally drifted off to sleep, wishing he had Taeyong in his arms. 

The rest of the break felt at first like it was passing extremely slowly, and then all of a sudden it was over. Jaehyun was glad to be home, to see his family again, to fall back into the comfortable patterns of being with people who he didn't have to try with. He caught up with his high school friends and played pick up soccer with them in the snow and got food with them at the places they used to eat at back in high school, the types of places where teenagers could spread themselves out over multiple tables for hours without being frowned at or kicked out. They talked about all the kids they remembered from high school but had fallen out of touch with, and they talked about the new friends they'd made in college. Jaehyun's cheeks warmed when he talked about Taeyong, but he was pretty sure his friends would just assume it was because they were laughing at him for needing a tutor. Most of his friends were playing soccer in college and they spent an excessive amount of time talking about that, admiring or complaining about teammates and coaches, agonizing over crucial plays just like they had together in high school, even if they seemed insignificant to everyone else now that they weren't all on the same team. 

The entire time, though, as happy and relaxed as Jaehyun was, he missed Taeyong. He had known he was going to miss him some but figured it wouldn't be all the time, and it was only two weeks after all. But he was surprised how strong and persistent the feeling was. On the plus side, it helped mitigate the homesickness he was starting to feel already as the break ended, because even though he was sad to leave home again he was very excited to see Taeyong. They had texted constantly, and had been able to FaceTime occasionally too, late at night when Jaehyun was sure his family was asleep. But it wasn't the same as actually being around him, and it definitely wasn't the same as getting to kiss him or touch him. 

Jaehyun's imagination had frankly been running wild the entire break and he had finally tried watching some porn. Gay porn, specifically--he had watched plenty of other porn before. He told himself it had taken him this long because he was nervous about watching porn on the school's internet but that probably wasn't the actual reason. And even after watching it, he wasn't entirely sure how he felt about it. Some of it was okay but some of the close up shots weren't exactly a turn on for Jaehyun. And he knew this probably wasn't the best way to educate himself about actual sex, so he tried Google too, which really didn't feel sexy to him at all but did provide some valuable information. And his imagination at least got more accurate; he found that when he thought about doing all these things with Taeyong, his squeamishness pretty much disappeared. He assumed at least that Taeyong had probably done these things before, and he hoped when the time came he would be able to provide whatever information was necessary. 

When the day arrived to return to school, Jaehyun was jittery the whole day and then the whole train ride back. It was a late train, because when Jaehyun had booked it he hadn't thought there'd be any reason he'd want to get back to campus early, and then it was delayed by almost 2 hours, which made Jaehyun want to crawl out of his skin. When he finally arrived it was almost 3 in the morning. He had been texting Taeyong on the train earlier but hours ago Taeyong had told him he was going to sleep, but that he could still come over and let himself in with the door code if he wanted. Jaehyun definitely did want. 

He forced himself to drop his bags off at his own dorm first, and to change into clean sweats because he felt like he smelled like the stale air of the train, and then he managed to walk at a perfectly respectable pace to Taeyong's dorm instead of running like he wanted to. He punched in the door code, took off his shoes and coat, and walked to Taeyong's room. He knocked quietly and when there was no response he eased open the door. He could make out the shape of Taeyong lying on his side under the blankets with his back to the door. He didn't stir as Jaehyun closed the door softly behind him. He pulled off his socks and, after a moment's hesitation, his shirt. He didn't want Taeyong to think Jaehyun was trying something by sneaking into his bed half naked, but he never slept with a shirt on. He paused for a moment at the edge of the bed and looked down at Taeyong's sleeping form. He wasn't sure if it was on purpose, if Taeyong had tried to leave space knowing Jaehyun was coming, but the older was lying very close to the wall. Jaehyun lifted the covers and slipped in behind him, wrapping his arm around the older's waist and pressing his face into the nape of his neck. 

Taeyong made a sleepy sound and then said, "Hey." He put his hand over Jaehyun's where it was pressed into his chest. The t-shirt Taeyong was wearing was very soft and Jaehyun stroked his fingers gently over the fabric, feeling the muscles underneath. 

"Hey. I missed you." Jaehyun said. He realized he was smiling into the back of Taeyong's head. He kissed the short hair at the back of his neck and squeezed a little closer. 

"Mmm, me too." Taeyong had pushed his fingers into Jaehyun's hand but now Jaehyun could feel the older's body relaxing into him, his fingers going slack even as they stayed intertwined with his own. He kissed his neck again and then relaxed his head into the pillow, trying to get comfortable enough to sleep without increasing the amount of space between them. As wired as he had felt the whole endless train ride back to school, it was incredibly easy for Jaehyun to fall asleep now. 

~~

Jaehyun woke up to something being pressed against his mouth. He tried to turn his head away but a hand was holding him firmly in place. Then something wet slid across his lips and his brain snapped into consciousness and realized it was Taeyong's tongue. He made a groggy, surprised sort of sound. 

"Good morning," said Taeyong without pulling away. He continued to kiss him and slipped his tongue into Jaehyun's mouth. Jaehyun felt like this was a questionable decision pre-teeth brushing but Taeyong didn't seem to mind. Taeyong's mouth tasted pretty much the same as usual so Jaehyun hoped the same was true for him. He started to move his hand but at this small sign of consciousness Taeyong pushed him over onto his back and crawled on top of him, rolling his hips down right away into Jaehyun's lap. Jaehyun could feel that Taeyong was already hard. Woah. Jaehyun opened his eyes but all he could see was Taeyong's face, too close to focus on as he kissed him more deeply. 

"Morning?" Jaehyun managed. "Taeyong, wh-- oh, fuck." Taeyong was grinding his hips into Jaehyun's and Jaehyun was definitely fully awake now, although he wasn't sure he was thinking any more clearly than before. Taeyong's hands were everywhere, on his stomach and chest, his shoulders and digging into his arms. "Taeyong, oh god...." 

"I missed you Jae, seriously, I just missed you. I thought about you all the time. I thought about what I wanted to do to you all the fucking time." Taeyong started kissing down the younger's neck and over his chest. His tongue flicked over Jaehyun's nipple and then he sucked on it hard. Jaehyun could barely breathe. He could barely reconcile the person on top of him with the person he'd crawled into bed next to last night, who'd slept so peacefully in his arms. Not that he was complaining. 

"What... what do you mean, do to me..." Jaehyun managed to ask. 

Taeyong stilled for a moment, pulling away so they could see each other. He put his hands on either side of Jaehyun's face and stroked his thumbs over his skin. He looked like he was studying Jaehyun's eyes, or something past his eyes, and Jaehyun fought the urge to look away; Taeyong's eyes could be almost overwhelmingly intense. "I want to have sex with you." He paused. Jaehyun wasn't sure he could speak yet. "I mean, I know you haven't exactly done this before but... I really want to. Like really bad, Jae. I already prepped even, I'll do all the work, I just want you inside me, please...." Taeyong's voice was very quiet by the time he finished speaking. He kissed Jaehyun again, softly, a little hesitant. Jaehyun realized he was holding his breath. He didn't know he could get so turned on just by someone's voice. He tried to think past this for a second and Taeyong just hovered there above him, keeping very still although Jaehyun could feel the muscles in the older's thighs squeezing into his hips. 

"Okay," Jaehyun breathed. "Yes." Taeyong watched him for another second and then leaned down and kissed him, gently again at first but it deepened quickly. Taeyong sat back abruptly and took off his pajama pants, dropping them next to the bed. He leaned across Jaehyun and rummaged around next to him and when he settled himself down again on Jaehyun's lap he was holding a condom and some lube. "Um, Taeyong?" The older's eyes snapped to him. "What do you mean you, uh, prepped?" 

A strange expression passed over Taeyong's face. "Do you not know how this works?" It sounded like a genuine question, not a judgment, although Jaehyun still blushed.

"I do, I just... I mean I basically do...." 

Taeyong looked like he was thinking for a second and then he leaned back down over him and spoke in a low voice. "I mean I fingered myself." Jaehyun nodded a little, staring up at Taeyong. "I wanted it to be easy for you for your first time with a guy, with me." Taeyong ducked his head and let his lips touch Jaehyun's briefly. "But you know we don't have to, right?" 

"No, I want to, really. I was just... curious." This sounded lame but Jaehyun decided to ignore that and pulled Taeyong down to kiss him harder. Taeyong kissed him back and then pulled away, sitting up where he straddled Jaehyun's thighs. He pushed Jaehyun's pants down enough for his dick to spring free and bob against his stomach. Taeyong rolled on the condom and then covered Jaehyun's dick in lube. He was still wearing the t-shirt he'd slept in and he pulled it up and reached behind himself to cover his entrance with lube too, although Jaehyun couldn't really see what was going on. And anyway, he was too busy staring at Taeyong. Jaehyun was torn between wanting to take Taeyong's shirt off and have him fully naked, and thinking he looked almost ridiculously sexy with just the shirt on and nothing else. Now that he had pulled it up Jaehyun could see his slim waist and his smooth stomach, the tension quivering in his thighs and his flushed hard cock. 

Jaehyun reached out almost in a daze and laid his hand on Taeyong's thigh, sliding up the soft skin, then moving his hand up over his sides and his stomach, feeling the flutter there of the older's unsteady breath. Taeyong shifted forward and took Jaehyun's dick in his hand behind him, lining it up. He glanced at Jaehyun and then started to lower himself. Jaehyun could feel resistance at first and then Taeyong relaxed and slid down, not all the way, letting out his breath. His thighs trembled under Jaehyun's hands. Or maybe it was Jaehyun's hands themselves that were shaking. Taeyong was very tight around him and very warm. Taeyong lifted himself back up and then slid down again, still slowly, and still not all the way. He sounded short of breath. Meanwhile Jaehyun wasn't sure he was breathing at all.

Taeyong braced his hands on Jaehyun's ribs and shifted his hips a little bit and this time he did slide all the way down until his ass pressed into Jaehyun's skin. Jaehyun groaned and tightened his hands on Taeyong's thighs. "Oh fuck, fuck...." Taeyong started moving faster, rocking his hips, his fingernails digging into Jaehyun's skin. He started panting and quiet little whimpers began to escape with his breath. He shifted his legs and arched his back, and this made him moan louder. 

"Jae...." Jaehyun's fingers tightened on Taeyong's legs at the sound of his name in the older's strained voice. Taeyong really was doing all the work and Jaehyun felt momentarily a little guilty about this, but it felt so fucking good and it seemed like Taeyong thought so too and he didn't want to mess anything up. His body seemed hyper aware of every sensation, but it was as if his brain hadn't quite caught up to the realization that they were having sex, that he was inside Taeyong. 

Taeyong shifted so he was sitting all the way up and started fucking down harder, one hand stretched behind him to press into Jaehyun's thigh for balance, his head tipped back. He was making a lot of noise now and Jaehyun was glad Doyoung wasn't around, and honestly he hoped the students on the rest of the hall were gone too. But as embarrassed as he felt at the thought of someone hearing them, the sounds Taeyong was making were also driving him crazy. Taeyong had let go of his t-shirt and the hem had dropped back down to rest on the tops of his thighs, which was still surprisingly sexy and Jaehyun admired him for a second before the desire to see more of him won out. Jaehyun grabbed a handful of Taeyong's shirt and twisted it up to the older's ribs, harder than he meant to and Taeyong rocked forwards a little, looking down at him with wide eyes. He grasped Jaehyun's wrist, almost like a reflex, but didn't make any move to loosen Jaehyun's grip on his shirt. Jaehyun could feel the dazed state he'd been in slipping away and his muscles quivered now as he lay there and let Taeyong do what he wanted. 

Taeyong's eyes were still on him and his grip tightened around Jaehyun's wrist and his ass slammed back down to the base of Jaehyun's cock and Jaehyun could hear the sound of skin slapping against skin and Taeyong cursed and Jaehyun felt whatever it was keeping him lying still snap. He yanked on Taeyong's shirt hard again, on purpose this time, pulling him down so they were chest to chest. Taeyong gasped and then moaned at the change in angle, really moaned, almost a sob, but the sound was swallowed up because Jaehyun had grabbed his neck and kissed him, uncomfortably hard, with too much teeth. He pushed himself up underneath Taeyong until he was sitting, steadying Taeyong in his lap with an arm around his waist. "I wanna do it from behind, please, fuck, Taeyong, can I please...." 

"Yes, yes," Taeyong kissed him. "Yes, Jae, fuck." He climbed off Jaehyun and got on his hands and knees, his back heaving with his breath, his shirt stretched out where Jaehyun had grabbed it. Jaehyun pushed his pants the rest of the way off and got on his knees pushed Taeyong's legs further apart. He put his hands on Taeyong's small ass and slid his thumbs along the older's flushed skin. "Come on..." Taeyong groaned. Jaehyun lined himself up and pushed in. It was a little weird to watch his dick disappearing into Taeyong's ass from this angle which now left nothing to the imagination, but Jaehyun tried not to let his mind wander too far and as soon as he bottomed out he couldn't think properly anyway. 

He pulled back almost all the way and then pushed in again, and started to find a rhythm, moving his hands up to Taeyong's hips, and then to his waist, pushing the t-shirt up under the older's armpits and digging his fingers into his ribs. Jaehyun felt Taeyong arch his back under the pressure and push his hips further back into Jaehyun. "Fuck, Taeyong," Jaehyun groaned before he could help it, losing his breath by the end. He quickened his pace and Taeyong moaned too. 

"Yes, harder, fuck, Jae." Taeyong kept pushing his hips back to meet Jaehyun's thrusts and Jaehyun started fucking into him even harder although he wouldn't have thought that was possible. The skin on Taeyong's ass was turning bright pink from the contact, not just flushed like his back was from the heat. Taeyong suddenly reached back and grabbed one of Jaehyun's hands and pulled it forward onto his chest, over one nipple. "Jae, fuck, pinch me... something, please." Jaehyun swallowed but he pinched Taeyong's nipple and the older hummed in response and then whimpered when Jaehyun twisted it a little between his fingers. "Yes, oh my god...." 

Reaching over like this had made Jaehyun lean forward and he shifted his legs a little to balance better and he could feel the angle change. On his next thrust Taeyong's arms buckled and his chest dropped to the mattress and Jaehyun felt his hips squirming away from him. The cry he let out was muffled as he pressed his face down and his fingers twisted into the sheets, but Jaehyun could tell it sounded different than before. Jaehyun stopped moving right away, trying to catch his breath. "Shit, Taeyong? Are you okay? Did I... did that hurt?"

" _No,_ no, Jae, don't stop, that felt so fucking good, oh my god, please...." Oh. Jaehyun started moving again, a little tentatively at first but the moans Taeyong was letting out into the mattress were reassuring and he was having trouble controlling himself anyway. Taeyong was a mess beneath him, his shirt bunched up around his shoulders and neck, sweat glistening all along his spine. Abruptly the older reached one hand back behind his neck and clawed at the shirt until it slid off over his head and Jaehyun groaned at the sight. He slid his hands up the older's back until they curved over his shoulders and he pulled his body back towards him as he pushed inside as deeply as he could. Taeyong grabbed one of Jaehyun's hands and squeezed so tightly it hurt. He was saying something but his face was still in the mattress and it took Jaehyun a minute to make out that Taeyong was moaning versions of Jaehyun's name, over and over again, _Jaehyun, Jaehyunnie, Jae, Jae...._

"Fuck, fuck, Taeyong, I'm close, I'm really close." Taeyong made a high-pitched "mmhmm" sound and pushed back against Jaehyun. "Are you?" Taeyong made the same sound again. It sounded slightly hysterical. "Do you..." Jaehyun wasn't entirely sure how to finish his question. The heat was building low in his stomach and he was having trouble keeping his rhythm steady. "Can you, um, come like this, or...?" 

Taeyong turned his head a little and gasped, "Touch me." Jaehyun slid his hand from Taeyong's shoulder back to his waist and then around to his stomach. "Please," Taeyong whimpered. "Please touch me, let me come...." Jaehyun took Taeyong's dick in his hand and started to jerk him off, his dick already slick with precome at the tip. He tried to match his hand to his thrusts but soon his own hips were stuttering and he just tried to concentrate on remembering to move his hand at all. Taeyong's moans got louder and then his stomach tightened so strongly that his back curved up towards Jaehyun and he ducked his chin and pushed his forehead hard into the mattress. Jaehyun could feel Taeyong's toes pushing into his calves on the mattress behind him and he felt him spill over his hand and onto the sheets underneath him. But more than all of that, Jaehyun's mind focused on the way Taeyong clenched around his dick, making Jaehyun gasp and make a noise that was a lot higher pitched than he would have liked to make. He kept stroking Taeyong as his body started to relax and then the older shuddered violently and Jaehyun felt it where he was still thrusting inside of him. Taeyong tried to push away his hand but Jaehyun didn't stop and the older made a desperate sort of sound beneath him and shuddered and clenched again and the feeling was so intense around Jaehyun's dick that it pushed him over the edge. He came and felt the heat of the orgasm spread under his skin through his whole body. He pushed himself into Taeyong a few more times and the sensation was so intense he could feel it in the back of his throat, almost the feeling of being about to cry even though he definitely didn't feel like crying. 

When he was finally spent, he just hunched there over Taeyong's back for a moment, panting and trying to refocus his eyes on the perfect skin beneath him, his hands shaking on Taeyong's back. Then Taeyong shifted a little and Jaehyun pulled out of him and Taeyong collapsed on his stomach on the mattress between Jaehyun's knees. Jaehyun felt sweat sliding down the back of his neck to his collarbones and then watched it drop onto Taeyong's back. He bent down and pressed his lips where it had fallen and then he kissed up the older's sharp spine to his neck. He pulled away for a moment to take off the condom and toss it as carefully as he could into the waste basket near the bed, and then he dropped onto his side next to Taeyong. Really he was still half on top of him, one leg and arm thrown over the older's smaller frame. Jaehyun could feel Taeyong's heart beat through his back, still pounding although starting to slow. He kissed Taeyong's shoulder because that was all he could reach without lifting his head and then he just left his lips there, gently pressing into the warm damp skin. 

After a moment Taeyong shifted and turned his head and Jaehyun smiled with his mouth still against Taeyong's shoulder. Taeyong smiled back, looking sort of worn out but happy, Jaehyun thought. Or hoped, at least. He kissed Taeyong's shoulder again. "Are you okay? Was that... okay?" 

Taeyong exhaled like a laugh. "Yeah it was good. It was really good Jae, seriously. Couldn't you tell?" 

"I mean, I dunno, maybe it's always like that for you."

"It's not always like that." Taeyong's voice was soft and slightly hoarse. "I mean is it like that for you?" 

"That's different." 

"Why? Because the other times were with girls? I mean what you do isn't like... actually all that different from with girls, right?" 

"It's different," Jaehyun said firmly. Taeyong raised his eyebrows like he wanted to know more but Jaehyun wasn't entirely sure how to answer. He didn't know if it had felt different just because it was with a guy or if it was different because the guy was Taeyong. "It just is," Jaehyun said stubbornly because he couldn't explain and kissed Taeyong's shoulder again. Taeyong laughed a little. "What time is it?" Jaehyun asked.

"I dunno, my phone's over there behind you." Jaehyun rolled over and checked. 

"Shit, I have to be at work in like half an hour," Jaehyun groaned but didn't move. He wasn't sure he ever wanted to move again. He was starting to feel kind of sticky and gross but he was also so content, almost elated, lying there next to Taeyong, covered in each others sweat. His mind was having some trouble processing what had just happened, that they'd actually done this, actually had sex--that Jaehyun's dick had been in Taeyong's ass. He felt his cheeks warm at the thought. Even when he'd lost his virginity he hadn't really had this sense of disbelief. He supposed it might have been because he'd spent all his life sort of becoming mentally prepared to have sex with girls, but this--Taeyong--had just come out of nowhere. "I don't want to go to work." Jaehyun grumbled and rubbed a hand over his face. 

"Well if you don't get up and shower now you're going to end up at work smelling like sex, so...." Jaehyun narrowed his eyes at Taeyong and then rolled away from him. 

"Fine, I'll go," he said airily. 

Taeyong laughed. "No, no, that's not what I meant. Don't just leave like this, come on, kiss me goodbye." 

"Sorry, I'm apparently super in a rush." Jaehyun went around picking up his various items of clothing. 

Taeyong threw a pillow at him and Jaehyun nearly lost his balance as he pulled up his pants. He found his shirt and sweatshirt and dodged another pillow as he pulled them on. 

"Jaehyunnie..." Taeyong pouted from the bed as Jaehyun found his phone and checked his texts--from his parents making sure he'd arrived okay, and from Johnny asking if he wanted to go work out later. "Jae...."

"Hmm?" 

"C'mere, kiss me goodbye first." Taeyong's voice was soft and Jaehyun made the mistake of looking up. Taeyong was still on his stomach with his head resting on his arms, with this pitiful expression on his face that might have been the cutest thing Jaehyun had ever seen. He rolled his eyes but could feel himself smiling as he walked over and bent down. 

He kissed Taeyong's cheek. His sweat had dried but the skin was still flushed and warm under Jaehyun's lips. Taeyong turned his head up and Jaehyun kissed his lips, sliding a hand over his back. "See you later?"

"Mmm," Taeyong agreed, and kissed him again. Jaehyun regretfully pulled away and rubbed his hand over the older's hair, which was frankly out of control and made Jaehyun want to laugh. 

Jaehyun miraculously managed to shower and make it to work on time, where he spent his shift feeling like he was operating on autopilot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have another chapter almost done too, just need to edit. stay tuned :)


	8. Chapter 8

When Jaehyun got out of his shift later, he headed to the gym to meet up with Johnny and Yuta like he'd promised and then they got dinner and headed back to Johnny and Yuta's apartment to hang out. It was nice to see them again. Jaehyun had been thinking about Taeyong so much over the break that he hadn't really noticed that he'd missed his friends also. At the start of the year, Jaehyun just kept being surprised that two older, popular students wanted him around, and their interactions were clouded with his doubt about their friendliness being genuine. He kept expecting it to turn into some twisted hazing ritual for the soccer team or something, or thought at best they would just lose interest. And a lot of their earlier interactions had been at team parties so Jaehyun figured they just liked socializing with as many people as possible. But he realized now that, without noticing it, his skepticism had disappeared at some point in the season, and they had effortlessly continued hanging out and talking even when they weren't forced together for practices anymore. He wondered now if maybe the start of his semester would have been very different if he'd talked to them about how much he was struggling. But he supposed it was easier to think that now; he couldn't imagine ever having had the courage to do it at the time, and Taeyong had ended up being the one to help him with that instead. But, while most of the time he spent with Johnny and Yuta still revolved around food or sports or video games and their conversations were mostly jokes, recently they had ended up talking about more serious things too, from classes and professors, to their families, to girls. 

While everything else about their friendship had gotten easier, Jaehyun found that this last topic had become a lot more awkward. As much as possible, he tried to just ask questions to keep Johnny and Yuta talking about themselves until he could find a way to change the subject. It honestly hadn't even occurred to him before that maybe he could just use these moments to bring up Taeyong instead, or to at least tell them he was interested in a boy--interested in him and sleeping with him--even if he didn't tell them who. Now, as Johnny talked about seeing the girl he'd dated in high school again over the break, it did cross Jaehyun's mind. He could almost imagine the words coming out of his mouth, but he didn't make a sound. He knew Johnny and Yuta wouldn't have a problem with it but the thought of their looks of surprise, of their impression of him changing, even if it wasn't negative, made Jaehyun feel slightly sick. He knew he'd start second guessing all his words and actions, especially with the team, and even though there were a couple gay students on the team and no one cared, just the thought of having to wonder how everything he did or said came across to other people was too much for Jaehyun to think about. And he wasn't even sure yet how to answer the questions they would probably ask, because he still wasn't totally sure if he liked guys in general or if there was just something about Taeyong. He hadn't really had the opportunity to figure that out yet himself, and he didn't want to have to try to explain to other people. And most of all he just didn't want anything to change. So he let the conversation move on. 

Jaehyun only realized how late it had gotten when he noticed that Taeyong hadn't replied to his messages for almost an hour, and it occurred to him that the older might have fallen asleep. He tried texting him again, and then called him from Johnny and Yuta's bathroom, but there was no answer. He couldn't ignore how disappointed he was that he wouldn't get to see Taeyong again, even though it had only been that morning that they'd... had sex. It was still a little surreal for Jaehyun to think about. He knew some of his disappointment was because he wanted to have sex with Taeyong again but he would have been fine just curling up in bed with him and literally sleeping, like he had the night before. Jaehyun thoguht about just going over there, but the last time he'd done that Taeyong had invited him before he fell asleep, and Jaehyun wasn't sure he should just show up out of the blue. Instead, Jaehyun said bye to Johnny and Yuta and went back to his own dorm to fall asleep alone. 

~~

Without classes, Jaehyun was working every day until the soccer workouts started to try to make some extra money. The next day he had another double shift that ended late, later than he'd ever worked during the semester. The diner was open 24/7 and plenty of people took advantage of this so working these miserable hours didn't even guarantee a slow, easy shift. He cheered up a lot though when, on his break, he saw that Taeyong had woken up and responded to him, asking why he hadn't just come over since he knew the code. Jaehyun thought it was sort of unfair to expect that he should have known that but he was pleased anyway. He told Taeyong he was getting out late that night and checked if he could come over afterwards and Taeyong said "yes, obviously," and Jaehyun smiled until his manager asked him why he was grinning like an idiot. 

Jaehyun was honestly embarrassed by how badly he wanted to see Taeyong, when they'd seen each other only a day before. Missing him over the break had been one thing, that was reasonable, but missing him when it had barely been more than 24 hours was cringe-worthy. But regardless of how many times Jaehyun told himself to stop being an idiot, he still felt almost desperate to see Taeyong and the feeling only grew as the day dragged on and he got closer to the end of his shift. 

When he finally got out of work he texted Taeyong and, despite smelling slightly greasy from the diner, headed straight to the older's dorm. He was surprised when Taeyong texted back since he'd expected him to be asleep like he usually was at this hour, but he felt a sort of thrill of excitement just from seeing the text. He was already grinning just standing outside Taeyong's door, keying in the code. He went in and Taeyong looked up from the couch. He had a t-shirt and a bunch of brightly colored markers spread out on the table in front of him, but he started to fold up the shirt as Jaehyun came in. 

Jaehyun dropped down on the couch next to him. "Can I see?" Taeyong hesitated but then held up the shirt.

"It's not done." The designs covered the bottom of one side of the shirt, sort of like they were exploding up from the hem. 

"How do you think of all these things to draw?" Jaehyun asked, squinting at the patterns. He felt Taeyong shrug next to him. 

"I don't know, a lot of times it's just things I think would look cool or like, feel cool for my hand to draw? I don't know if that makes sense. It doesn't all really mean anything profound. Most of the meaningful stuff I paint instead, not on clothes I mean." Jaehyun glanced at Taeyong and wondered if he was also thinking about _Untitled No. 8_ , and he hoped he was but didn't want to ask. Instead he leaned closer to the shirt. He started a little when he felt Taeyong kiss his cheek quickly, and he turned to look at the older. Taeyong smiled a little. "Hi." 

Jaehyun laughed. "Hi...." He leaned in and kissed Taeyong's mouth, absently lowering the shirt back to the table so he could slide his fingers over Taeyong's neck and into his hair as the kiss deepened. Jaehyun leaned forward into Taeyong, but Taeyong pulled away instead of lying back on the couch and stood up.

"Come to my room." 

"But Doyoung's not even here...."

"Jaehyun, he's still going to come back and want to sit on this couch, don't be gross." 

Jaehyun raised his eyebrows and smirked. "What's gross? We're just kissing." 

"Oh, that's all you want to do? In that case...." Taeyong sat back down and leaned towards Jaehyun again, who laughed and stood up himself.

"No, no, never mind, you're right, totally gross, let's go to your room." 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah, please, come on." He pulled Taeyong up by the hand and kissed him again, his hands on the older's waist, pressing into his firm body. Then he slid his hands lower and picked Taeyong up.

Taeyong made a surprised, outraged sort of squawk. "Jae, what the fuck? Put me down!" 

"No." Jaehyun kissed him again. Despite Taeyong's protest he had wrapped his legs around Jaehyun's waist and his hands were on his shoulders. Jaehyun had to stop kissing him to make sure he didn't kill them both tripping over the coffee table and Taeyong ducked his face into Jaehyun's neck and wrapped his arms around him. Jaehyun turned to press kisses against the long stretch of Taeyong's neck while still keeping an eye on where he was walking. 

Jaehyun maneuvered them into Taeyong's room without any injury and kneeled on the bed as he carefully lowered Taeyong down onto his back. He had an afternoon shift at work tomorrow and the thought of all the time they had ahead of them made Jaehyun feel warm and calm. He kissed Taeyong slowly and slid his hands up under his shirt, trying to pay attention to every shift of the muscles under his hands, trying to memorize the alignment of Taeyong's ribs. Taeyong lifted his arms and Jaehyun pulled his shirt off, and then Taeyong pulled off Jaehyun's shirt too, but instead of sliding his hands over the younger's body he kept them at his neck and shoulders, gripping tightly like he was trying to keep him as close as possible. 

Jaehyun slipped his hands down and undid Taeyong's pants and undressed the older and then himself. He realized he was staring again just like he had the first time he'd seen Taeyong naked, but he wasn't sure he'd ever get used to it. Taeyong noticed. "What?" He seemed almost shy although Jaehyun had never gotten the impression that Taeyong was self-conscious about his body. Maybe Jaehyun was looking at him differently than before. 

"You're just... you're beautiful." Jaehyun's voice was soft, almost a whisper, and he blushed furiously as he said it, but he didn't think he could have said anything else, anything less. Taeyong moved his hands up to rest on his own chest, like they had given in to some impulse to cover himself. Jaehyun leaned down and kissed the back of the older's hands and then kissed his way up to his mouth. "I'm serious, you're so beautiful Taeyong, you're perfect, I can't believe I get to do this with you." Jaehyun kissed him softly as he spoke. "I can't believe I get to touch you. I can't believe I get to be inside you." Taeyong made a small sound in the back of his throat. "It felt so good, I liked it so much, Tae--" His words cut off in a moan as Taeyong wrapped his legs tightly around his waist and pressed their bodies together. "Taeyong, Taeyong," Jaehyun was trying to kiss him and talk at the same time. He was surprised how different this felt than the last time. Even as Jaehyun tried to tell himself it was just because they'd already done it before so he wasn't as nervous--which was probably partly true--he knew it was also because he just hadn't felt this way about someone in a long time. It wasn't like he hadn't known for a while that he really liked Taeyong, that it wasn't just strange dreams or some kind of passing phase, but he was still surprised now by how strong it was. 

Jaehyun pulled away a little and Taeyong looked up at him. Jaehyun got distracted for a minute by how pink and wet Taeyong's lips were, how nicely shaped. When Jaehyun finally managed to speak, he quickly realized he didn't exactly know how to ask what he wanted to ask. "Um, can I..." His eyes shifted away. "You said, last time, you um, fingered yourself?" 

"Yeah...."

Jaehyun managed to look back at Taeyong and he could tell from the slight smile on the older's face that he probably knew what Jaehyun was about to say but was going to make him say it anyway. "Can I do it this time, to you...?" Jaehyun breathed out. Taeyong nodded, looking like he thought Jaehyun was adorable which wasn't exactly the impression Jaehyun wished he was giving off right now. 

"There's lube over there." Taeyong released his legs from around Jaehyun's waist and Jaehyun leaned over and found it, and then he kneeled between Taeyong's legs. Taeyong had his knees bent and his feet on the mattress and he tilted his hips forward. Jaehyun hesitated and then touched Taeyong's thigh. It was sort of reassuring to put his hands on the older, to do something with them instead of just sitting there awkwardly. He slid his hand up the inside of his thigh. The skin there was so soft. Taeyong wasn't fully hard and Jaehyun took his dick in his hand and stroked it a few times, hearing the way Taeyong's breath quickened, before sliding his hand back towards his entrance. Taeyong shifted again, opening his legs wider. Jaehyun squeezed some lube over his fingers and with his other hand gripped Taeyong's thigh and pushed his leg up. He slid his slick fingers over Taeyong's entrance and then raised his eyes to Taeyong's. "Just start with one finger." 

"It doesn't... hurt right?" 

"No, just go slow at first." Taeyong laughed a little bit, which Jaehyun found reassuring. "You've literally had your dick inside me which is a lot bigger than one finger, don't worry, okay?" Jaehyun blushed and nodded and pushed one finger against his rim. It was tight and his finger didn't get very far and he glanced at Taeyong again. Taeyong's expression was a little strange but he nodded and Jaehyun pushed harder and then his finger slipped past the muscle and all the way inside. Taeyong breathed out and nodded a little again so Jaehyun started moving his finger in and out. Taeyong's breathing got a little louder and very quickly he said, "Add another finger." Jaehyun did, leaning forward a little, pushing Taeyong's leg higher. He started to move his fingers faster and Taeyong started breathing hard and kept giving directions until Jaehyun had three fingers deep in his ass and Taeyong was starting to let out little gasps and moans. 

"Can you..." Taeyong took a breath. "Like, curve your fingers up." Jaehyun did, watching Taeyong's face. Taeyong was looking at the ceiling and seemed to be concentrating, shifting his hips a little. "More, I think...." Jaehyun did and his fingers rubbed past something and Taeyong moaned, arching his back and pushing his head into the mattress, exposing his throat in a way that made Jaehyun's stomach tighten. "Yeah," Taeyong gasped. "Yeah, like that." He moaned again and his face twisted with pleasure as Jaehyun moved his fingers against his insides more purposefully. Jaehyun felt slightly breathless just watching him. 

"Come here, Jae come here," Taeyong gasped, reaching out his hand. Jaehyun let go of the older's leg and leaned forward over him, bracing himself on his free arm, keeping his pace with his fingers. Taeyong moaned again. "Kiss me." Jaehyun did, his arm starting to ache a little from holding himself up, but the way Taeyong kept whimpering into his mouth pushed that out of his mind. 

Jaehyun kissed down to Taeyong's shoulder and sucked a mark into the skin there and Taeyong cursed into his ear. Jaehyun pulled back and could already see the skin flaring a deep pink where his mouth had been. "Fuck, Taeyong, this is... fuck." Jaehyun was reaching a point where he was so hard it almost hurt, and he hadn't even been touched. He generally cared about getting his partners off when he had sex but he wasn't sure he'd ever gotten so turned on just from pleasuring another person. He kissed Taeyong again on the mouth. "Taeyong, baby, are you ready? I want to put it in, I want to be inside you...." 

The pet name slipped out without Jaehyun even thinking about it and when he realized he felt weird and embarrassed, but before he had even finished speaking Taeyong was saying "Yes yes yes." Jaehyun pulled his fingers out of Taeyong slowly and stared sort of fascinated as the older's hole fluttered at the absence of his fingers. He found a condom where the lube had been and slipped it on as quickly as he could, his hands shaking slightly. He stayed sitting on his knees and lined himself up but Taeyong said, "No, come here, like you were." Jaehyun's face warmed, which he had noticed happened a lot when Taeyong spoke to him like this. Or maybe when Taeyong spoke to him at all. He leaned back over and Taeyong immediately slid his hands around his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss which Jaehyun tried not to break as he pushed inside and started to move.

Taeyong wrapped his legs around Jaehyun's waist again and Jaehyun pushed into him as far as he could. He was so slick around Jaehyun's dick. Taeyong's legs tightened around Jaehyun's waist so he could barely pull out but Taeyong had started rocking his hips up into Jaehyun too and the feeling was quickly becoming almost unbearably intense. Part of Jaehyun wanted to be able to move, to fuck Taeyong hard and create more friction, but this edge of frustration just added to the sensation, making him almost dizzy. "Oh my god, Taeyong, fuck, you feel so good baby." Jaehyun was pretty sure from Taeyong's reactions that the way they were moving together was making Jaehyun's dick rub over his prostate although he didn't really know. It definitely seemed to feel good for him too, at least. Taeyong's fingers were digging painfully into Jaehyun's back and his body was literally shaking, the sounds coming out of him more like sobs than moans. 

Jaehyun wasn't normally noisy during sex himself, but now it was as if his inability to move as much as he wanted was forcing him to get his energy out with words and noises instead. "Oh, Taeyong, oh my god you're perfect, you're so fucking perfect, I like this so much." 

"Yeah?" Jaehyun wasn't actually sure if Taeyong was asking a question or if his voice had just gone a lot higher pitched than usual, a desperate edge to it as he writhed and shuddered under Jaehyun. 

"Yeah, you feel so good, you're so hot, I really like you baby, Taeyong, fuck, I like you so much." Jaehyun could feel his orgasm building although it felt strange somehow, different than he was used to because usually he got off with something moving up and down his dick and creating a lot more friction than what was happening now, just these deep but small thrusts, just a constant pressure around his dick, especially at the tip. He wasn't paying very close attention to what he was saying anymore but it was as if once he started talking he couldn't stop. Luckily everything he said Taeyong was responding to with "Yeah" or moans or curses, like he was encouraging him to keep going. 

Taeyong had shifted his legs higher up Jaehyun's waist, keeping them locked around his body, and this seemed to give him more leverage because he was rocking his hips up into Jaehyun more forcefully. "Fuck, oh my god baby, you're so fucking good, Taeyong, please, fuck, I really like you baby, this is so good, I've never, fuck, it's just--" Taeyong's legs suddenly flexed and tightened around Jaehyun's waist so strongly it nearly made him collapse on top of the older. "Fuck, Taeyong." 

Taeyong's moans had gotten a lot higher pitched but they had cut off as if he had stopped breathing for a second. It seemed like Jaehyun could feel every one of Taeyong's muscles flexing beneath him, and then he shuddered almost violently as he relaxed a little. "Did you--?" asked Jaehyun.

"No, almost, fuck I'm so close." Taeyong's voice was almost unrecognizable. Jaehyun started moving again like before and Taeyong let out another sob. His hands had been digging into Jaehyun's back the whole time but now, very suddenly, one of them slid around to the juncture of Jaehyun's jaw and neck and clung there very tightly, kissing him hard. The kiss was wet and mostly just heavy breathing and moans. 

"Oh my god," Jaehyun mumbled against Taeyong's mouth. 

"Keep talking. Call me... call me baby," Taeyong gasped. Jaehyun would have been surprised if his senses weren't already so overwhelmed.

"Baby, fuck, Taeyong, come for me. I want you to come baby, I know you're close, I can feel how close you are, you feel fucking amazing, come on baby, I want to watch you come, I want to taste it, fuck, fuck." Jaehyun's voice dissolved into a sound he was sure he'd never made before and Taeyong kissed him again. 

Jaehyun was getting a little worried that if Taeyong didn't come soon he wasn't going to last but then Taeyong choked out, "Yes, yes I'm gonna--fuck." His body tightened around Jaehyun again and he could feel his insides clenching too around his dick and then felt his hot wet fluid spread out between their stomachs, adding to the slide of their bodies. After what felt like a long time Taeyong's limbs relaxed and his grip around Jaehyun loosened a little. Jaehyun pushed himself up a little bit and almost sobbed at the rush of feeling when he started thrusting into Taeyong in earnest. He looked down at the older, at his flushed skin and the come that had reached up his chest. Taeyong was watching him and his pupils were dilated. "You said you want to taste it." Jaehyun looked up at Taeyong, a little confused, only vaguely remembering all the things he had been babbling. Taeyong was still out of breath. "Lick it." 

Jaehyun made a helpless sort of sound and ducked his head and licked a long stripe through the come on Taeyong's chest. His hips stuttered. He’d be lying if he said he liked the taste but there was something about it, maybe knowing that it tasted like Taeyong, something that made having it on his tongue push him almost to the edge. He licked Taeyong again, over his nipple this time, and the older whimpered, his legs sliding away from Jaehyun's waist. Jaehyun kept his tongue on Taeyong’s skin and slid it up to his neck. He knew he was about to come, he could feel it everywhere. He gripped Taeyong’s bicep hard and Taeyong breathed out, “Yes.” Jaehyun came. He lost awareness of his surroundings, nothing seemed important except the tight wet heat around his dick and the body under him and the taste on his tongue. He could dimly hear himself groaning and the sound turned into a whimper as he started to return to himself, shaking with the aftershocks as he pushed himself into Taeyong’s body a few more times before collapsing on top of him. Taeyong grunted. 

“Sorry,” Jaehyun managed to gasp but didn’t move. He wasn’t sure he ever would. It struck him as strange that he was so drained when it seemed like he had barely been moving while they'd had sex. But his limbs felt loose and boneless and his muscles were quivering slightly. “Wow.” 

Taeyong laughed a little. “Yeah.” They lay there for a while and Jaehyun started to doze off, that sort of half-awake dozing that might just have been a short break from thought, until he became aware of Taeyong pushing on his ribs and he rolled off onto his back. Taeyong spoke softly, “Did you mean all that?”

“What?” Jaehyun's thoughts seemed to only slowly be starting to function properly. 

“About... liking me a lot, I mean.” Jaehyun looked at Taeyong. 

“Didn’t you ask me this before?”

“I just... it sounded different.” 

Jaehyun wasn’t sure what that meant. He rolled over onto his side to face Taeyong. “Yeah, Taeyong, I meant it, I really like you. You like me too right?”

“Yeah, of course.” Taeyong was looking at the ceiling. He didn’t look very reassured.

“What is it?” Jaehyun kept his voice soft and reached out to stroke Taeyong’s arm with the backs of his fingers.

“Are you going to tell your friends?” Oh. Jaehyun’s stomach turned over. He wanted to say yes but he wasn't sure “yes” was the full answer so he didn’t say anything, trying to think of something better. Taeyong kept his eyes on the ceiling and started talking more quickly. “I get that it’s different for you and like, not easy. I’m not saying to have to tell them right now, but....” Taeyong turned to Jaehyun. “When this all started I kind of thought it might be just... like fooling around to you.” Taeyong saw the face Jaehyun made and quickly added, “Not like in an asshole way, not like you didn’t give a shit about me at all, but like, not something that was gonna become... this. I don’t know exactly what this even is but I just needed to tell you that I don’t want to be a secret forever okay?” 

Jaehyun nodded, staring at Taeyong with his eyes very wide. He felt guilty for feeling like things had been so effortless between them without it crossing his mind that Taeyong might have felt differently. “I’m sorry.” 

“No, that’s not what I’m saying, you don’t need to be sorry. Honestly maybe I should be sorry 'cause I knew this was all new to you and thought I’d be ok with that. And I am, honestly, just... I think eventually I won’t be. And, I dunno, like during finals when you were so happy about your grade and I held your hand and you pulled away so fast... that kind of sucked. That's when I started realizing maybe I couldn't just be casual with you and hearing you say you have feelings for me too.... I don’t want to never be able to touch you unless we're behind closed doors, that's what I’m saying. I know it might take you some time, I just needed to tell you.” 

“Okay. Okay, I’ll figure out how to tell them, seriously. I'll try. I don’t know why I haven’t it’s just, I don’t want them to see me differently I guess. I don’t know. I’ll tell them okay? Just let me think about how.”

“Okay.” Taeyong smiled and stretched over to kiss Jaehyun softly. Then he startled Jaehyun by rolling over him and climbing out of the bed, grinning at the younge's indignant grunt. He left the room and Jaehyun heard the shower start, and he fought off sleep until Taeyong came back, and then he dragged himself to shower too. He felt extra disgusting because now not only was he covered in sex, he had already been gross from spending all day at the diner, so as tired as he was the shower felt amazing. When he got back to Taeyong’s room he noticed that the older had changed the sheets and the bed looked pristine. Jaehyun felt a little bad for not helping but the thought of a clean dry bed to climb into now made his knees weak. Taeyong was lying down but he opened his eyes when Jaehyun entered wrapped in a towel. “Do you have shorts or something?” Jaehyun asked. 

“I mean you could just sleep like that.” Taeyong eyed his chest. 

“Are you kidding? You’re covered like head to toe!” Taeyong, who really was wearing pajama pants and a long sleeve shirt that was big enough to cover even his hands, laughed and gestured to his drawers. Jaehyun found some shorts that looked big enough and pulled them on. 

Taeyong was still smiling from the bed when Jaehyun looked up and Jaehyun couldn't help smiling too. He climbed into the bed and Taeyong curled up with his head on his chest right away. Jaehyun was still thrown off by how soft Taeyong could be and how effortlessly and openly he slipped into this side of himself. Jaehyun rubbed the older’s back over his soft shirt and tried to figure out how best to talk to Johnny and Yuta, but he fell asleep almost right away.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what can i say, had some time off work and what better way to spend it than writing chapters that make me sad :(:(

The next day Jaehyun woke up late. This shouldn't have surprised him because of how late he'd worked the night before, and then how late he'd stayed up after that with Taeyong. But he usually couldn't sleep very well with other people. Since coming to college, whenever he'd gone home with girls after parties, he would wake up only a few hours later with the sun and not be able to fall back asleep despite being exhausted and hungover or even still drunk. But this time when he opened his eyes the sun was slanting through the window at a low angle and he thought it must have been past noon. He didn't have to go to work until late afternoon when it would be almost dark, and he rolled over and stretched contentedly at the idea that for once he didn't have to rush.

Taeyong wasn't in bed and as Jaehyun turned he saw him sitting at his desk, still in his pajamas, with his feet on the chair and his knees pulled up to his chest. It looked like he was writing something and was concentrating hard. Jaehyun propped himself up on his elbows to see and Taeyong jumped and covered whatever he was doing sort of awkwardly with his arms. Jaehyun looked at him. "What's that?" Taeyong hesitated. Jaehyun squinted at what he could see on his desk: a bunch of pencils scattered around and eraser shavings everywhere. "Are you drawing?"

"Um, yes." Taeyong was definitely blushing.

"Are you drawing me?"

Taeyong hesitated for a moment and then nodded and said quickly, "It's not done, you can't see it yet."

Jaehyun smiled. "Come on...."

Taeyong was still blushing but his face was serious. "No, I never show anything to anyone until it's done. It used to freak me out a lot to have to see people's reactions when I was younger and now it's like, almost a superstition."

"But I saw the shirt you were working on yesterday and that wasn't done."

"That's different, that's just a shirt, I just do that for fun. I'm sorry, please don't beg."

Jaehyun dropped back down onto his back, smiling, and put his arms behind his head. "Okay, okay, don't worry. I know you can't resist me when I beg, I won't put you in that position."

"Wow, so considerate," Taeyong muttered, but he sounded amused and maybe a little relieved. He was clearing up his things and wiping the eraser shavings off his desk. Even though he wasn't going to push Taeyong to show him, Jaehyun really was curious. He still thought pretty frequently about _Untitled No._ _8,_ and about how different the Jaehyun in the painting was from the way he saw himself in real life. It wasn't that the painting didn't look like him--it did, anyone who saw Jaehyun would have recognized the likeness right away. It was just that the painting revealed so much about how Taeyong looked at him, how he felt about him, which Jaehyun now realized had been what had really shocked him the first time he saw it. Taeyong had painted that before they had even kissed, and Jaehyun was desperate to see if the way Taeyong drew him now, after they'd done a lot more than kiss, looked any different. But he pushed the curiosity out of his mind and just hoped Taeyong would finish the drawing soon.

Taeyong was standing up now. "I'm starving, do you have time to eat before work?"

Jaehyun nodded and got out of bed. They got dressed and ready to leave--Taeyong even had an extra toothbrush for Jaehyun to use, which struck him as almost embarrassingly domestic. But he couldn't pretend he didn't enjoy doing even such basic things together with Taeyong. And the fact that he was here in the first place because they'd slept together the night before--in both senses of the word--made Jaehyun feel warm and content.

When they got to the dining hall Jaehyun heard someone yelling his name almost as soon as they set foot inside. He spotted Johnny and Yuta at a table with a couple other upperclassmen and despite the tense feeling that edged into his stomach he asked Taeyong if he wanted to sit with them. Taeyong agreed eagerly and they headed over. Jaehyun knew Taeyong wasn’t expecting him to tell Johnny and Yuta about their relationship right this second in front of so many people, but Taeyong's words the night before still crept back into Jaehyun's mind and stayed there throughout their lunch.

Despite Jaehyun's unease, lunch went great and he was still able to enjoy it. Jaehyun was a little surprised how well Taeyong got along with Johnny and Yuta. He supposed Johnny and Yuta were people that kind of got along with everybody, which helped, but in Jaehyun's mind Taeyong had been so separate from his other friends that having them actually turn out to enjoy each other's company threw him off. As the meal went on, Jaehyun realized that this was at least a step in the right direction. It certainly would have been even more miserable to tell Johnny and Yuta he was with a boy if the boy in question was someone they couldn't stand. 

When lunch ended Taeyong left them and headed to the art studios, and Jaehyun went home to change for work, and Johnny and Yuta and the rest headed to the gym. They all walked out together and there was an uncomfortable moment as they said bye where Jaehyun could feel Taeyong watching him intensely and waiting to see what he would do. But he couldn't bring himself to do more than wave, the way he did with the other guys they were with (although Yuta jumped on his back as his form of farewell). As he walked back to his dorm he replayed the moment in his head, trying to decide if Taeyong had been disappointed there wasn’t a better goodbye, or if it had all just been in his head. On the one hand, Taeyong had said he understood that Jaehyun needed time to figure out how to tell his friends about them. On the other hand, Jaehyun knew he could have done better than an awkward wave. But on the _other_ other hand, Jaehyun had pretty much given everyone the same awkward wave and wouldn’t it have been weird and noticeable if he’d done something different just for Taeyong?

His thoughts continued bouncing back and forth throughout his work shift. By the time it ended, however, he was so tired and felt so gross that his brain had mostly dulled to a jumbled buzz which wasn't exactly calming but at least wasn't the same endless cycle. He had been imagining conversations with Johnny and Yuta basically through his entire shift, and had made multiple mistakes on orders--which he hadn't done since his first week--because of it.

As he trudged home he muttered the words he'd come up with during work that seemed reasonable enough to say to his friends, but the thought of actually having the conversation and then having to face whatever happened afterwards still scared the shit out of him. He felt so anxious about it that it was as if his body were physically rebelling against the very idea of the conversation. Jaehyun honestly couldn't come up with a rational reason for this anymore. Being nervous made sense, sure, but he really liked Taeyong and he also trusted Johnny and Yuta, so he thought his nervousness should have been a lot more manageable. But Jaehyun was realizing that what he was feeling wasn't just excessive nerves, but also frustration, even anger about the whole situation. He didn't think telling his friends who he was sleeping with should have to be accompanied by a whole shift in his identity. Wasn't that unfair? If Taeyong were a girl there would be none of that added burden. But since Taeyong wasn't, telling his friends about him also meant telling them something about himself that they didn't know and then would never be able to un-know. Jaehyun knew that the easiest way they would understand this if he told them--when he told them, he reminded himself--would be to think he was gay or bi. But Jaehyun wasn't entirely sure which of those he was and he didn't like either label. He told himself that he shouldn't pretend he had just fallen for Taeyong in isolation just because he didn't want to face the possibility that his sexuality wasn't what he'd always thought. But it really was hard for him to tell if he liked guys in general or if it actually might be just Taeyong. Wasn't that possible? And why did he have to know for sure anyway? And even more importantly, why did anyone else have to know? It wasn't that he wanted to keep Taeyong a secret, he just didn't think it was fair that people's idea of who he was would completely change because of this, when he was still the same person he'd always been, and the only changes that had happened were the same kinds of changes that happened to anybody when they went to college, when they struggled with things and then figured them out, when they fell in love.

Needless to say, Jaehyun was not in the best mood when he finally got home that night. He showered and changed and for once the thought of seeing Taeyong didn't excite him as much as the thought of passing out in his own bed immediately did, so he texted the older to say good night but that he was exhausted from work. And then thankfully his brain cooperated for once, and let him fall asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

~~

Despite the fact that this all kept churning in the back of Jaehyun's mind, the rest of winter break was not unpleasant. The soccer workouts were a much more enjoyable way to pass the time than constant shifts at the diner had been, and it was nice to be on campus without having to think about classes yet. Most of the student body was still gone so places were quiet and there was a sense of calm that helped balance out Jaehyun's internal tension. Taeyong spent a lot of time in the art studios and Jaehyun occasionally wondered if the older was getting any closer to finishing the drawing of him, but he suspected he was working on bigger projects instead. Sometimes they'd eat together at the dining hall, on their own or with Johnny and Yuta. One day when he texted Taeyong about lunch and the older replied that he was still in the studio, Jaehyun brought him food and they ate together on the chilly cement floor of the gallery that Taeyong's paintings, including _Untitled No. 8,_ were still hanging in. The show would come down once classes started again to make room for the new semester's projects, but for now they were still on display and there was no one in the art buildings to tell them they shouldn't eat there.

Doyoung was still on vacation so another perk of winter break was that Jaehyun spent most nights in Taeyong's bed. Taeyong hadn't brought up Jaehyun's secrecy about their relationship again, although Jaehyun could feel it hanging in the air sometimes between them. But they talked about a lot of other things. There was something about lying in bed with someone in the dark that made it easy to open up, Jaehyun thought, and weirdly it made him think back to being a kid when he'd stay at his cousins' house or have sleepovers with friends. Although obviously he and Taeyong didn't only talk in bed, and the things they did when they weren't talking definitely hadn't been happening at his childhood sleepovers. Since coming to college Jaehyun hadn't really had sex with the same person more than a few times, and often not more than once, and he hadn't thought he was really missing out. Sex was sex, he figured. But while even the first time with Taeyong had already been pretty amazing, it got a lot better the more they did it. Partly Jaehyun just knew what he was doing now, which certainly helped. But he was also starting to think that the real reason it felt so good was because he might be in love with Taeyong, and when he was deep inside him with his lips on his skin he had no doubt.

This he definitely didn't say. Partly because he felt uncertain about it sometimes, and awkward about it almost all the time. Jaehyun wasn't even sure they'd been together long enough for him to really fall in love. But mostly he didn't say anything because he felt like he wasn't allowed to when he still hadn't told anyone else about his feelings at all. Jaehyun had stopped trying to come up with reasons for his cowardice, and instead just felt guilty about it almost all the time. When he was with Taeyong, even though he was extremely happy just being near him, he fought with the constant knowledge that he was letting the older down. Every time they hung out with Jaehyun's friends (since Taeyong's still weren't back on campus) and Jaehyun edged his leg away from Taeyong's under the table or avoided his eyes when he felt him staring, he felt a little more miserable than before. But it was as if those reactions had become completely embedded in his behavior and he couldn't shut them off unless they were alone with the door locked. And this all fueled the parts of his brain that weren't totally sold on being in love in the first place, because what kind of person felt so ashamed about someone they really loved?

These internally stressful but externally enjoyable days passed and winter break came to an end, and Jaehyun's anxiety was at least redirected as he became busy again with classes. Doyoung returned to campus and was quickly absorbed into the friendship Taeyong had started with Johnny and Yuta and they all continued getting meals together when their schedules allowed it. It turned out Taeyong had two classes with Johnny, which meant that sometimes Jaehyun would show up to the dining hall and see the two of them already eating together. Even though Jaehyun was glad all his friends were getting along, he wasn't sure how he felt about them hanging out without him. He had also started to worry that if Taeyong and Johnny became close enough, Taeyong might tell Johnny himself about his and Jaehyun's relationship. Jaehyun tried to reassure himself with the fact that Taeyong hadn't said anything yet to Doyoung, and they were a lot closer than Taeyong was with Johnny. When Jaehyun asked Taeyong about this, he just said Doyoung was bad at keeping secrets and would definitely start acting weird if he knew something that other people didn't, so he wanted to let Jaehyun put it out in the open and be comfortable with it first. Jaehyun was surprised by how patient Taeyong was being with him, but more and more often there were moments when he thought he could feel Taeyong's disappointment. He was never sure if it was in his head, though, because he also felt constantly disappointed in himself, especially whenever he was alone with Johnny and Yuta and still couldn't manage to force the words out of his mouth.

He had started watching Taeyong closely for any signs of discontent and he could swear he was seeing it more and more, how Taeyong's eyes would shift away from him or, conversely, stay glued to him almost like a challenge. Or how Taeyong would say hi to everyone else enthusiastically and only quietly greet Jaehyun. Or how when they left the dining hall one day Taeyong returned Johnny's hug warmly but didn't make any move to hug Jaehyun. And worst of all, Jaehyun had started to worry that if he told Johnny and Yuta now, on top of being surprised they would be mad at him for not telling them sooner, for basically lying this whole time that they were all hanging out together. This new concern just pushed the words Jaehyun had to say further and further away from being said.

Finally, one night when Jaehyun and Taeyong were walking to the library on their own after dinner, Taeyong did ask about it again. "You haven't talked to Johnny and Yuta yet have you?" Jaehyun just shook his head miserably and looked at the ground. He knew he should say something, but everything he could think of just sounded like an excuse. Taeyong was quiet for a long time. Then he slipped his hand into Jaehyun's and Jaehyun hated himself for immediately wanting to look around and see if anyone was watching. He managed at least not to pull away and they walked that way for a while. Taeyong still didn't say anything and Jaehyun realized he wasn't going to and this made him feel even worse. He wanted Taeyong to be mad at him, to yell or curse or _something,_ because that was what Jaehyun deserved. But the fact that instead Taeyong was just holding Jaehyun's hand quietly made Jaehyun's stomach hurt and his eyes sting.

It occurred to him very suddenly that this couldn't last. He couldn't keep putting Taeyong through this because Taeyong deserved better, and he couldn't stand feeling so stressed all the time when it was entirely in his control to solve things but he just couldn't make himself do it. And if things were going to end anyway, inevitably, because he was too pathetic to make things work, did he really want anyone else to know? Did Jaehyun really want to go through the rest of college with people thinking he was gay or something if it was really just this one boy and they couldn't even last two whole months? Taeyong clearly was well-adjusted and able to function like an adult who could manage his feelings, so shouldn't he be free to find someone else who could do the same, instead of a confused 19 year old who first hadn't been able to stay on top of his school work and now couldn't tell even his closest friends that he was in love?

Jaehyun looked up at the sky and blinked very quickly and hoped Taeyong wasn't watching him. If he was, he didn't say anything, just continued holding Jaehyun's hand and sliding his thumb over the younger's fingers until they reached the library and Jaehyun gently pulled his hand away.

~~

When the weekend came, Jaehyun found himself at a party in the grimy basement of a senior's house with a cement floor covered in beer. He had been having a good time, playing drinking games, messing around with his friends, the usual. Some girls had joined him and Johnny on the couch--Yuta was still at the beer pong table and they could hear his triumphant shouts from across the noisy room. One of the girls was talking to him and Jaehyun was carrying on the conversation fine until she put her hand on his leg as she smiled and nodded at what he was saying. He lost his train of thought mid-sentence. Shit. How had he not noticed how close she was? Jaehyun had been drinking but was only on the edge between tipsy and drunk, so he didn't think the alcohol was to blame for his obliviousness. He supposed that unlike at the beginning of the year, he just wasn't looking for these sorts of interactions so he missed it now that it was happening. Jaehyun leaned away into the arm of the couch and then excused himself as politely as possible, saying he had to go to the bathroom. When he got up he realized he really did have to go to the bathroom, so he headed upstairs and was grateful that the main floor of the house was quieter so he had some time to think. He didn't really want to stay at the party. He felt a little bad because just going to the bathroom and never returning was sort of a dick move, but when he went back down to tell his friends he was heading out, the girl was talking animatedly to someone else and didn't seem bothered by Jaehyun's absence.

Jaehyun poured himself a shot of something before he left, and then another one, and he could still feel the heat of it in his stomach as he stepped outside into the cold air. He headed to Taeyong's dorm, the alcohol in his system just strong enough now to drown out the most anxious voices in his head. He let himself in quietly and slipped into Taeyong's room. They still slept here together pretty frequently, but unlike over winter break, now that Doyoung was back Jaehyun was careful to wake up and leave very early in the morning, or sometimes he woudn't stay over at all. Jaehyun missed the easy use of the space they had shared over winter break, but thinking about this just stirred up all the voices in his head telling him he could so easily have that again, even with Doyoung around, if he would just stop being such a coward.

When he opened the door Taeyong was asleep on his back. Jaehyun took off all his clothes and when he pulled away the blankets and straddled Taeyong the older startled awake very suddenly. "Jaehyun, holy shit, you almost gave me a heart attack, fu--" Jaehyun kissed him. There was something strange and erotic about being completely naked on top of Taeyong who was fully clothed and he was quickly getting hard. He palmed Taeyong's dick through his pajama pants while he pushed the older's shirt up and slid his other hand along the smooth warm skin underneath, flicking over his nipples and pinching them until he felt him getting hard too.

"Turn over," Jaehyun said. Taeyong blushed and rolled over beneath Jaehyun. Jaehyun pulled Taeyong's pants down to just below his ass and kissed the skin there and then sucked a mark into it which made Taeyong squirm into the mattress. Jaehyun found the lube and slipped two fingers into Taeyong at once and the older whimpered into the pillows. He worked him open silently and methodically and then rolled on a condom and spread the older's ass apart with his hands so he could push inside in one smooth motion until he bottomed out. Taeyong was lying flat on his stomach and his ass and lower back were the only parts of him that were exposed and the sight was driving Jaehyun crazy, although to be fair the sight of Taeyong always drove him crazy. Jaehyun leaned one hand on the small of Taeyong's back and Taeyong arched and lifted his ass in the air in response and Jaehyun started fucking into him hard. The bed creaked and Taeyong was moaning into the pillow and Jaehyun knew they weren't being quiet enough but he just started fucking Taeyong faster.

He kept one hand pushing into Taeyong's back and with the other hand he grabbed Taeyong's ass and then slapped it and Taeyong made a surprised noise into the pillow and twisted his head around to stare at Jaehyun. His face was very pink and his eyes were huge. Jaehyun held his gaze. He didn't want to talk for once. His brain was finally quiet and he didn't want the noise to start again. So he just looked at Taeyong and kept fucking him and Taeyong stared back, like he was waiting to see what would happen. So Jaehyun spanked him again harder and Taeyong's eyes rolled back and the sound he made wasn't muffled by the pillow this time since he'd turned to look at Jaehyun. Jaehyun reached out and pushed his face back down. He was always so fucking noisy and it was so hot and Jaehyun was pretty sure Doyoung must have heard but he really didn't care.

The pale skin of Taeyong's ass was bright pink now and Jaehyun slapped it again and Taeyong's hips bucked into the mattress and he shifted his face a little so he could gasp, "Again, fuck." So Jaehyun did it again and Taeyong started to move his hips in a rhythm so he was slamming them back into Jaehyun and then fucking his own cock down into the mattress beneath him. It wasn't long before Taeyong moaned loudly and his fingers tightened in the sheets and he shuddered, and Jaehyun could tell he was coming because he'd made him come so many times before and he knew his body so well. When Taeyong started to relax into the mattress, spent, Jaehyun grabbed his hips and yanked them higher which made the older yelp a little in surprise, and Jaehyun watched his dick slide in and out of Taeyong while the older whimpered and shook beneath him. And finally Jaehyun squeezed his eyes shut and came.

When he was done he pulled out and lay himself down across Taeyong's back so there was nowhere that they weren't touching. He tucked his face down between Taeyong's shoulder and neck and felt the sweat cool on his back. He felt shaky and slightly sick but he also felt warm deep inside the way he always did when he was with Taeyong. His brain was still quiet and before it could fully come back online he heard himself say, "I love you." Taeyong didn't say anything and Jaehyun wasn't sure he'd heard with the way his mouth was pressed against the older's skin. He didn't say it again. He felt sort of unsteady and tried to focus on the way he could feel Taeyong's heartbeat reverberating up into his own chest. Jaehyun wasn't usually so aggressive and when he was it was because Taeyong initiated it, told Jaehyun to fuck him harder, go faster, make it hurt. Even though what they'd just done had turned him on and Taeyong had clearly liked it too, it also made him a little uneasy, like some unrecognizable part of himself had taken over for a while and was now nowhere to be found.

Jaehyun waited until Taeyong's heartbeat had slowed down beneath him and then he got up and wrapped a towel around his waist and went to the bathroom. He thought Taeyong might have fallen asleep because he didn't stir. In the bathroom he cleaned himself up and let his mind wander. The memory of telling Taeyong he loved him already felt so surreal that he wondered if he'd only imagined actually saying the words out loud. He fixed the towel around himself and soaked a washcloth to bring back for Taeyong, and then he opened the door and got two steps into the hallway before he stopped dead. Doyoung was standing a few feet away looking just as startled as Jaehyun felt.

"Um," started Jaehyun. "I was just--"

Doyoung put up a hand, which Jaehyun thought was slightly theatrical but it did make him stop talking. "Don't say anything, I heard you. I just... wasn't expecting it to be... someone I know."

Jaehyun's stomach dropped and his face burned and he took a few hurried steps closer to Doyoung. All the anxious voices that had been muted for the past couple hours snapped back to full volume and started fighting to get out of Jaehyun's mouth. "I, uh, sorry you had to, um, hear, I just.... It's not a big deal but please don't tell anyone okay? Please?" Doyoung raised his eyebrows but nodded, and then his eyes slid away from Jaehyun's and fixed somewhere behind him. Jaehyun turned, already knowing what he would see and hoping he was wrong. But he wasn't: there was Taeyong, his clothes back on properly, standing in the doorway of his room and staring at Jaehyun with an unreadable expression on his face. Jaehyun's knees felt a little shaky.

He turned to Doyoung, but Doyoung just said "Good night" and hurried the rest of the way down the hall to the bathroom.

"Taeyong..." Jaehyun looked back towards where the older had been standing but he had disappeared into his room. Jaehyun followed. "Taeyong, wait." He closed the door behind him. Taeyong was fixing the sheets on his bed, his motions excessively forceful. Jaehyun reached out and touched his arm and Taeyong turned to face him very suddenly, making Jaehyun take a step back. "Taeyong, please, I'm sorry, I just... I don't want people to hear it from Doyoung, I want to be able to tell them myself."

"Is that really all it is?" Taeyong's voice was quiet but Jaehyun had never heard it sound more forceful. More angry. "Because you sounded scared out of your mind at the thought of anyone finding out."

"No," Jaehyun said, his voice strained, but he knew Taeyong was right, he was scared. He just wanted things to stay easy, to stay the way they were. "You said... you said it was okay if it took me some time...." Jaehyun couldn't hold Taeyong's gaze. He knew how pathetic he sounded but he was desperate to find some way back to the calm, patient Taeyong who had held his hand just a few nights before.

"It has taken time, Jaehyun. So I thought maybe this wasn't as serious as I thought and I should just try to enjoy it anyway because I didn't want to not be with you at all. But then you tell me you love me? You come here and fuck me and tell me you love me when you can't even admit to anyone else that we're more than just friends? That's not fair, Jaehyun. It's not fair and...." Taeyong pushed his fingers through his hair and let out a frustrated breath.

Jaehyun desperately didn't want Taeyong to finish whatever he was about to say. "Taeyong, please...."

"...And I can't do it. It can't be like this. If it was just a casual thing, fine. But it's clearly not, for either of us. And it can't be both real and also a secret. I'm not going to put myself in that position because this already sucks, this already really hurts, Jae." The sound of the nickname now made the back of Jaehyun's throat burn. "Maybe I should have forced you to tell your friends earlier, I don't know, maybe I should have put pressure on you from the beginning, but that's not how I wanted to be. I know it's not easy to just tell everyone something like this. But I think you need to figure your shit out Jaehyun, on your own. I can't help you figure it out anymore. You need to decide what you want."

Jaehyun just stood there. He felt cold all over and wasn't sure if that was because he was still in just a towel or because of Taeyong's words. He felt like he'd been kicked very hard in the stomach, he could literally feel the pressure there, and his muscles wouldn't relax.

Taeyong took a breath. "You need to go home, Jaehyun." He turned away and finished fussing with his sheets and then, since Jaehyun still hadn't moved, he picked up Jaehyun's clothes and handed them to him.

Jaehyun took them automatically but didn't put them on. "Taeyong, please," he said again. He wasn't even entirely sure what he was asking for. For Taeyong to let him stay here a little longer? For more time to tell people? For forgiveness? Taeyong just shook his head a very small amount and sat on the edge of his bed, looking down at his hands. Jaehyun finally started moving and got dressed. Taeyong didn't look up once, not even when Jaehyun opened the door and turned back around, and he didn't say anything as Jaehyun left.

Doyoung was thankfully nowhere to be seen. Jaehyun found his way out of the building and started to head home, barely paying attention to where he was going but following the route automatically because he'd walked it so many times. He felt sick and couldn't swallow and there was a weird pressure behind his eyes and nose, and all at once he realized it was because he was about to cry and then he was crying, hard, the tears sliding down his cheeks and dripping down his neck into his collar. He was pretty sure he hadn't really cried like this since he'd broken his ankle in sixth grade, and doing it again now made him feel like a little kid again which was embarrassing but also sort of a relief. There was no one around, and he didn't think he could have stopped himself from crying even if there had been, so he didn't try. 

He made it into his dorm and went straight to the bathroom to take a shower. He stayed under the hot water for a long time, feeling bad for himself and feeling even worse for Taeyong. He replayed Taeyong's words over and over in his head until he felt numb and exhausted instead of sad. The hot water had run out by then and he was shivering as he dried himself off and went back to his room, where he got into bed quietly so he didn't wake his roommate. He pulled the covers over his head and curled himself up underneath them but he stayed cold for a long time. The last thing he thought about before he finally fell asleep was whether he would ever get to see the finished drawing that Taeyong had been working on that sunny afternoon over winter break, when Jaehyun had woken up in his bed, relaxed and well-rested and just starting to realize he was in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gah poor both of them but it'll get better soon :'(


	10. Chapter 10

Jaehyun managed to avoid the dining hall for over a week before Johnny practically ambushed him after one of his classes and dragged him to eat lunch. Jaehyun followed him reluctantly and tried to ignore the way his stomach felt like it was eating itself, but when they arrived at the dining hall and only Yuta was there he finally relaxed and was able to eat.

"Where have you been?" Yuta said, as soon as Johnny pushed Jaehyun down in a chair, as if he was afraid he'd bolt if given the chance. Jaehyun just shrugged and pretended to be busy organizing something in his backpack.

"It's been so lonely," Johnny pouted as he sat down himself. "Even Taeyong and Doyoung have abandoned us. I keep telling Taeyong to come with me after class but he's been kind of weird about it honestly." Jaehyun's eyes snapped up to Johnny--did he know something was going on?--but Johnny had the same amused, open expression on his face that he usually did and he kept talking like he hadn't noticed Jaehyun's reaction. "You know it's not good for my health when I'm left with Yuta for too long, Jaehyunnie. We already live together, I need constant reminders other humans still exist."

Jaehyun rolled his eyes, grateful the conversation hadn't lingered on Taeyong. "Oh please, I know you're friends with like everyone on campus."

Johnny looked at him very seriously. "They may be my friends, but I'm lost without you Jaehyun. I'm barely hanging on just eating alone with Yuta every day." Yuta punched Johnny's arm and Jaehyun was glad to be given an excuse to laugh. He had been so anxious about running into Taeyong all week that he'd been avoiding his own friends too, and he was surprised now how relieved he was to see them again.

If this had been a normal... breakup--Jaehyun had to admit that was what had happened--Jaehyun's friends would have known that all of them hanging out together probably wouldn't be a good idea for a while. But since no one knew about anything that had happened, Jaehyun was worried that his friends would just keep spending time with Taeyong, and Jaehyun was absolutely certain he could not have survived those interactions. So he'd just avoided everybody. It meant that he hadn't seen Taeyong at all since the older had kicked him out of his dorm almost two weeks before. But it also meant he hadn't really socialized with his friends either. Instead he had been spending what he now realized was too much time on his own. Sure, Jaehyun was still pretty busy. He had classes, and tons of work for his classes--although he avoided the entire floor where he and Taeyong used to study together at the library--and he had soccer, which meant he at least saw his teammates every day, but it was easy to avoid talking to people when everyone was out of breath anyway. On the weekend he picked up extra shifts at work and sort of enjoyed the thoughtless rhythm he was able to fall into at the diner. But when he wasn't forced to be with people he avoided them, staying in his dorm or in remote corners of the library where food was allowed so he could eat most of his meals there too.

Jaehyun hadn't felt ready to really spend time with people, to pretend to be cheerful and hope they wouldn't notice anything had changed, but now that he was with Johnny and Yuta he realized that wasn't really how it worked. He actually was cheerful hanging out with them. The thought of Taeyong was still there, and the unpleasant feeling in his gut that accompanied it, but it finally wasn't the only thing on his mind. He should have known that his friends would be a welcome distraction from everything that was going on in his head, but it had been easy to forget while he was so busy feeling sorry for himself.

At least Jaehyun for once didn't have to feel sorry about his grades, because he was actually doing well in his new classes. Admittedly he was only a month in and midterms hadn't hit yet but he was impressed with himself that despite feeling miserable most of the time he was still able to be so productive. Or maybe he was productive because he felt so miserable, because he was desperate not to think about Taeyong so he forced himself to focus on his work instead. He had taken to staying up as late as possible in the library, trying to exhaust himself. But eventually he would have to return to his dorm, and no matter how tired he was, there was still an agonizing stretch of time before he could fall asleep when it felt like his brain was trying to make up for all the time he'd succeeded in distracting himself.

Since he was always sleepy at these times, his thoughts were barely coherent, but that didn't make them less painful. Sometimes he just remembered the times he'd spent with Taeyong, stealing glances at him in the library, laughing with him and his friends during that brief but perfect period over winter break, seeing him in the bleachers during his soccer games, standing in the gallery next to _Untitled No. 8_ and later letting Taeyong kiss him for the first time. The way the older looked lying under him, how smooth his skin was, the way his already taut muscles tightened when he came, the sound of his voice gasping Jaehyun's name, the warmth of his mouth and the taste of his body. Other nights Jaehyun would replay all the things he'd done wrong. All the moments he could have told Johnny and Yuta about Taeyong but didn't, all the words he should have said. He had incredibly vivid imaginary conversations with them, where he told them everything before it was too late, and his tired brain would be so thoroughly convinced that it would almost knock the wind out of him when he'd inevitably remember that that wasn't what had really happened.

The worst nights were when he couldn't slip away into the memories or imagine that things had gone differently, and he was forced to think about the way things really were. The fact that he hadn't seen or spoken to Taeyong and probably never would again made his stomach hurt. Sure, maybe they'd cross paths again, reach a point where they could politely say hi, but it wouldn't be the same, and the thought of such a pathetic level of interaction felt even worse than the thought of no interaction at all. And of course he only had himself to blame. Sometimes he toyed with the idea of telling Johnny and Yuta everything now. Even though it wouldn't change anything, would it make him feel better? Would it make it easier to let Taeyong go? But then Jaehyun remembered that if he told his friends, he would have to deal with their pity on top of them finding out he wasn't straight, and he didn't want that. So he tried to convince himself that it would be easier to just let time pass, get over Taeyong, go back to how things were before, and stay safely within his friends' current idea of who he was. It wasn't like there was a shortage of girls around who he was attracted to, or would be attracted to once he got Taeyong out of his head. And maybe he'd even meet one who he really liked and wanted to be with beyond just a casual thing. If that happened did he really want his friends to know he'd fucked a guy before? Wouldn't they just look sideways at any relationship he had with a girl after finding that out?

The problem with trying to believe this would be easier, of course, was that he wasn't over Taeyong and was in fact still in the stage of feeling like he never would be. So his brain continued on with the same cycle of painful memories, painful regret about what he should have done, and painful indecision about what to do now, and then he would finally fall asleep and dream strange dreams. And when he was awake again he continued to distract himself as much as possible and tried not to feel worn down by the fact that there was no one he could talk to about all the churning thoughts confined to his own brain.

At least after being dragged to lunch with Johnny and Yuta, Jaehyun finally returned mostly to his normal routine from before everything had happened with Taeyong. He spent more time with his friends and the guys on the team, and continued to focus on his school work as much as possible when he wasn't with them. He tried to avoid the places he'd gone with Taeyong, but one day the following week one of his classes was moved to a different building because of a broken heater in the usual room, and his walk to the new location took him past the art buildings. Instead of hurrying by, he found himself drawn towards the modern glass front doors of the building with the gallery in it. He remembered eating lunch with Taeyong on the gallery floor over winter break and how quiet and empty everything had been then, but today the halls were bustling with students and professors. He found his way to the gallery and managed not to hesitate before he went inside, afraid that if he stopped he'd lose his nerve. But of course, he should have known, all the paintings from last semester were gone already. He'd known they wouldn't stay up forever, but the stark blank walls were still a shock. He wondered what happened to the old paintings. He supposed Taeyong got to keep them, although there was no way they'd all fit in his dorm with how huge most of them were. But he wasn't really wondering about the huge paintings. _Untitled No. 8_ would definitely have fit in Taeyong's room and Jaehyun tortured himself for a while imagining Taeyong looking at it, and then imagining Taeyong hiding it because he couldn't look at it, and then imagining Taeyong throwing the painting away. Jaehyun finally managed to drag himself out of the gallery--it wasn't like there was anything to see there anyway--when he realized he was going to be late to class.

~~

Now that Jaehyun was seeing more of his friends again, he unsurprisingly ended up at a party that Saturday after work. He hadn't been out on the weekends at all since the party he had been at weeks ago, the night everything had fallen apart with Taeyong. Most of the parties he'd been to with his friends were at houses or apartments occupied by other athletes, either his own teammates on the soccer team or people from other teams. Occasionally they would go to one of the few frat houses or sororities on campus, but these also heavily overlapped the sports teams. But tonight the party was at a senior's house Jaehyun had never been to. Apparently Yuta was interested in a girl in one of his classes and she had invited him. She was a singer, Yuta told them as they walked up to the house, and she was a year older than him--"Three years older than you, Hyunnie," Johnny teased--and Yuta hadn't really ever seen her before because they stayed in such different social bubbles, but she seemed "really cool," and Yuta practically bounced up the steps to open the door of the house. Jaehyun tried not to be bitter, and he wasn't really, but watching Yuta's excitement did make unpleasant things happen in his stomach nonetheless.

When they entered, Jaehyun was sort of surprised how similar the scene was to all the other parties he'd been at so far. He wasn't sure what he'd really expected--there had been a vague image of kids standing around harmonizing with each other. But it seemed that big college parties were big college parties no matter who was hosting. He recognized a number of kids who he knew from various sports teams, and other kids he knew by sight from his classes, but there were also a lot of kids he didn't think he'd ever seen at all. There was a table set up for drinking games back in the kitchen and Jaehyun could hear the shouting from here in the living room where kids were standing and sitting around in little groups. Someone was standing near a large speaker and switching through songs too rapidly while other people shouted suggestions for what to play.

Jaehyun had lost track of Yuta and Johnny but before he could start to look around Johnny appeared again and pushed a drink into his hand. Jaehyun drank and made a face but enjoyed the warmth of it sliding down into his stomach. "Did Yuta find the girl?" he asked Johnny, who nodded, grinning.

"We saw her in the kitchen. Honestly even though Yuta's description was pretty lame, she does seem cool and like, also into him I think. Who knows, but I figured I'd let them talk on their own so I came back out here. And of course I missed you too much."

Jaehyun rolled his eyes. "Of course." Johnny spotted some guys he knew from the football team at that moment, which Jaehyun supposed was unsurprising because Johnny and the football players all towered over most of the people in the room, and they went over to say hi. Jaehyun recognized one of the kids as a freshman who was in one of his classes, so he at least had someone to talk to instead of just tagging along with the much more outgoing Johnny like he often did.

Jaehyun finished his drink and went to the kitchen to refill it, getting introduced to the girl Yuta was talking to in the process, and when he came back out Johnny and the other guys had disappeared from where they'd all been standing. Jaehyun stood at the edge of the living room, leaning back against the wall and sipping on his drink, looking around vaguely for his friend, but not feeling terribly urgent about anything as the drink continued to warm him up from the inside and started to soften his thoughts. And then a movement caught his eye and he froze, drink halfway up to his mouth, his skin feeling very cold and then immediately very hot. Taeyong was standing across the room.

It hadn't even crossed Jaehyun's mind that he might see Taeyong and now he felt like a complete idiot for not considering this awful possibility. Especially at a party like this, which seemed to have kids from every social circle. Jaehyun looked around, trying to see if there was another door he could escape out of, but he didn't see any, and getting to the front door would have taken him right past Taeyong, and if there was one thing that would make this worse, it was if Taeyong saw him too. Jaehyun realized he was bending his knees, trying to shrink down against the wall. Luckily the room was dark. And as Jaehyun watched he realized, with an increasingly sick feeling in his stomach, that Taeyong was probably not going to notice him because he was engaged in a very animated conversation with another guy.

Jaehyun had at first not even noticed this because he was too focused on Taeyong, on seeing his face again after spending so much time just remembering or imagining it. Taeyong's blond hair had gotten a little longer and was a little messed up at the moment and it made Taeyong look sort of funny and almost painfully cute. The guy he was talking to was tall, too tall to be Doyoung, Jaehyun realized with a sinking feeling, even though he couldn't see his face. Jaehyun tried to tell himself this was probably just another friend that Jaehyun didn't know. Doyoung wasn't Taeyong's only friend, after all. But Jaehyun couldn't help but wonder why Doyoung wasn't with them, and why the guy seemed to be standing so close, and why Taeyong kept smiling like that, sort of shyly. It occurred to Jaehyun that, because they'd gotten to know each other first just as a tutor and his student, he'd never really seen Taeyong flirt before, but he was becoming increasingly certain that was what he was watching. And then the guy reached out and fixed Taeyong's hair, or maybe mussed it up more, and his fingers lingered there a little too long. Jaehyun's eyes were glued to Taeyong's face and even across the dim room he was convinced he could see him blush and hear his shy laugh. Fuck.

It wasn't like Jaehyun had never been jealous before but even as he was staring at Taeyong and feeling miserable a part of him was still aware enough to be taken aback by how much this was affecting him. He didn't think he'd drunk enough to justify feeling so nauseous, and then he tasted blood and realized he was biting his tongue. He had to pull himself together. He stood up off the wall, although he couldn't quite manage to look away from Taeyong, and took a sip of his drink, wincing at the burn on his bitten tongue but feeling slightly revived. He told himself he should go back to the kitchen and find Yuta, even if it meant interrupting his conversation with the girl, or he should at least keep looking for where Johnny had gone, but he didn't move. He kept sipping his drink and watching Taeyong until the cup was empty, and then he continued watching as the guy leaned close to Taeyong and said something in his ear that made Taeyong nod, looking up at him with his annoyingly large eyes. And then they left, Taeyong walking away first and the guy following just behind him with a hand resting lightly on his back.

Jaehyun realized his own hand had been tightening around his empty cup and now the cup was completely crushed. He blinked quickly and looked around for somewhere to throw it out, but his eyes passed over the nearby trash bag more than once before he registered what he was seeing. All he could seem to see instead was the guy's hand on Taeyong's back. He cleared his throat and shook himself a little and was just about to finally step away from the wall when he heard someone say his name.

"Jaehyun?" Jaehyun turned his head quickly and saw Doyoung. Fuck. His hand tightened a little more around the destroyed cup.

"Uh, hey Doyoung. How's it going?" Jaehyun hoped his voice sounded normal, or at least that the noisy room would be loud enough to mask it if it didn't.

"Fine... how are you?" Doyoung was looking at Jaehyun closely and the younger stepped back a little until he was leaning against the wall again.

"Fine, I'm fine. I was going to, uh, get another drink though. I'll see you--"

"You don't seem fine. You didn't seem fine watching them." Jaehyun stopped short and stared. He supposed he was used to Doyoung's bluntness but he hadn't ever really had it directed at him and he didn't think he liked it. He couldn't think of anything to say. Doyoung was still watching him closely but his gaze wasn't unkind and it suddenly occurred to Jaehyun that here was the only person other than Taeyong and himself who actually knew what had happened. Finally Doyoung seemed to take Jaehyun's silence as some sort of agreement that the conversation could continue and he said, "Are you ever going to tell anyone about you two?" Jaehyun looked at him. Doyoung's face was open; it seemed like a genuine question, and the only judgement Jaehyun felt was probably coming from his own brain and not from the older boy. 

Jaehyun wondered how much Taeyong had told Doyoung. Clearly they'd at least talked about why things had ended, and now Jaehyun cringed as he imagined Taeyong complaining about how immature and pathetic he was. He thought about just saying nothing, saying he didn't want to talk, escaping this awkward conversation and going home, or maybe drinking more, or both. But instead his mouth opened and he answered, "What's the point now? We're not... together anymore or anything."

Doyoung cocked his head to one side, looking confused, his brows furrowing. "But don't you want to be with him?" Jaehyun blinked at him. How could he act like it was that simple? Jaehyun had had his chance to do what was right, to do what Taeyong had asked him to do, but he'd missed it and lost Taeyong and that was that. Him wanting them to be together wasn't important anymore. And since it wasn't important, why was it so infuriatingly obvious to this kid that yes, he did want to be with Taeyong, very badly?

Doyoung looked away, out at the crowd of students, like he was trying to find his words. Then he looked back at Jaehyun, and when he spoke his voice was serious but surprisingly gentle. "Let me just ask you this, and you don't have to answer me or tell me or anything but just... think about it." He paused and when the silence stretched on painfully long Jaehyun nodded and Doyoung finally continued. "When things ended between you and Taeyong, did you feel relieved? Because it was over and you wouldn't have to tell anyone after all? Or did you just feel sad?" Jaehyun realized he was holding his breath. "Because I think if you figure out the answer to that question it might be easier for you to figure out what to do now." Doyoung kept his eyes on Jaehyun's for a moment longer, as if checking to see if his words had registered, and then he looked back out at the living room. "Well, uh, it was nice seeing you Jaehyun. Good luck I guess."

He started to walk away but Jaehyun suddenly came back to himself and called out. Doyoung turned. "Um, could you not... could you not tell Taeyong about this? That I saw him with.... you know. And that we talked about him?"

Doyoung gave Jaehyun a small smile. "I wouldn't tell him, don't worry." He turned and soon disappeared as he made his away across the room. Jaehyun breathed out. He finally went and threw away his cup, and then got a new one, filled it, and drank it quickly. He filled the cup again and walked back into the living room, where he finally tracked down Johnny. He was sitting down--of course, otherwise Jaehyun would have spotted him easily--and Jaehyun dropped himself down on the couch next to him. He spent the rest of the night getting increasingly drunk and feeling glad that everyone was too loud themselves to notice that he was barely speaking.

Jaehyun kept thinking about Doyoung's words, the way he had seemed so confused that Jaehyun would do nothing even though he wanted to be with Taeyong again, and his question. Jaehyun knew he'd been sad when things had ended, of course he'd been sad, but had he been relieved too? Hadn't he wanted all along to avoid telling his friends and to keep his image intact? He was getting too drunk to really be in a state to find an answer so he stopped trying so hard to think about it and just let it float around in his brain. He did recognize that even though the conversation with Doyoung had been uncomfortable, it was the first time he'd been able to talk about Taeyong with anyone at all, and even though he hadn't actually done much talking himself, he couldn't deny that this had been something of a relief. His thoughts had been contained in his own brain for so long and now it was like a tiny bit of the pressure there had been released.

As he continued drinking, however, his brain stopped thinking about Doyoung and drifted back to Taeyong instead, to the way he had been looking at that other boy, to how the boy had touched his back, to how pretty Taeyong had looked, to how badly Jaehyun wanted to be the one walking Taeyong home instead. His cruel brain went farther, too, to what Taeyong must be doing with the boy now. He wondered if they were at the guy's dorm or at Taeyong's, and even though he couldn't possibly know he could only imagine them in Taeyong's bed, where Jaehyun had been himself not too long ago, and spiraling down this trail of thoughts was starting to make him feel sick again. He tried to focus on his surroundings and noticed that one of the girls they were sitting with was watching him. For a moment he thought he could pursue this, ask her where she lived and if they could go back to her room, fuck her the way Taeyong was probably getting fucked right now. But Jaehyun had barely finished thinking this before he knew he couldn't. It wasn't even out of some feeling of guilt, or some aversion to having sex with someone for such pathetic reasons, he just really didn't want to. Just thinking about it made him feel strangely exhausted. He was pretty sure he could have managed to get it up and maybe he would have gotten some satisfaction out of going home with someone like Taeyong had. But it just seemed like it would all be more trouble than it was worth and, even drunk, he was pretty sure he'd regret it in the morning.

Instead he told Johnny he was heading out, and stumbled to the door and out into the night. He hadn't been this drunk in a while, he realized. He managed to get home, where he drank a full bottle of water and barely managed to get his clothes off before dropping into bed in his boxers. At least the alcohol meant that for once he didn't think about anything before he fell asleep.

~~

When Jaehyun woke up the next morning he felt like shit, and then he slowly remembered the conversation he'd had with Doyoung and felt confused on top of the hangover. He hadn't been able to really process everything Doyoung had been saying the night before but he still remembered it clearly and now he couldn't help but try to analyze it again. He lay in bed for as long as possible, wondering what Doyoung had meant when he'd said "But don't you want to be with him?" as if there was really a possibility Jaehyun could fix things. He wondered if that was just Doyoung's own reaction, or if maybe Taeyong had said something to make him think there was such a chance. And Jaehyun thought about the question Doyoung had left him with: how _had_ Jaehyun felt when Taeyong had broken things off? He hadn't made any move to tell his friends afterwards; Taeyong's actions hadn't spurred him to try to change anything. Did that mean he really was relieved, deep down, that it was over, like Doyoung had asked? Relieved that he could go back to his normal life and continue letting his friends think nothing had changed with him? He knew he missed Taeyong, that was an easy feeling to identify, but was that all he felt? While he was still trying to figure this out, the memory of watching Taeyong flirt with the other boy returned and made him feel sick. Well, sicker than he already felt after drinking so much the night before. The thought of Taeyong moving on and being with other people definitely did not feel like a relief, and Jaehyun actually winced and shook his head to try to clear the image from behind his eyes. 

Jaehyun couldn't stay in bed and sort through his thoughts for very long, however. It was Sunday, but because they had lost miserably in their first spring-season scrimmage against another school's club team--not even varsity, as their coach had endlessly been reminding them--they had an extra morning workout that was supposedly meant to get them into better shape but was really just a punishment. Jaehyun definitely felt punished as he cycled through the drills and tried not to throw up. Johnny and Yuta seemed to find this extremely amusing and kept slapping him on the back with too much force and teasing him when they were out of earshot of the coaches.

When the workout finally ended, Jaehyun barely made it back to the locker room before he finally did throw up. Honestly it was a miracle it hadn't happened on the field, he thought. He felt sort of better afterwards, at least, and felt marginally better again after a long shower. When he got out he was surprised that Johnny and Yuta were waiting for him, although the rest of the team had left, and once he was dressed they all went to eat at the dining hall. At least Jaehyun thought he could handle food again at this point, although he was still in a pretty bad mood.

As they walked, Johnny and Yuta alternated between talking about the girl Yuta had hung out with at the party the night before--Yuta seemed slightly baffled by himself that they had just kissed in the kitchen and nothing more--and continuing to tease Jaehyun about how obviously hungover he'd been at practice. But when they sat down with their food and Jaehyun still had barely responded to anything they'd said, the two other boys finally quieted down.

Eventually Johnny spoke up. "Okay seriously, even though this was hilarious for us, why the hell did you get so drunk last night? You knew there was practice today right?" Jaehyun nodded but stayed quiet. He could feel Johnny and Yuta exchanging looks and he kept his eyes down on his plate.

Yuta finally said, a little awkwardly, "Is everything okay?" Jaehyun knew that the simple, honest answer was no, it wasn't. And he knew it would probably be easier to say yes instead and fake a smile and get back to their normal banter. But he kept thinking about the night before when Doyoung had asked him if he was ever going to tell anyone about Taeyong. And more than the question itself, he remembered how it had felt not to have to hide everything for once, because even though he hadn't meant for Doyoung to know anything, he had found out anyway and there was no point trying to continue keeping things secret after that.

And most of all, he thought yet again about Doyoung's simple question before he'd left, about whether Jaehyun had been relieved when Taeyong had ended things. And he really thought, was almost certain now, that the answer was no. No, he hadn't been relieved, he'd been heartbroken. And maybe that hadn't translated into him actually taking action to fix anything yet, because he hadn't thought there was any point, but it had filled him with regret that he hadn't been better and more deserving of Taeyong when he had had the chance. Maybe telling people now still wouldn't fix anything, maybe he was right that it was too late--he didn't want to get his hopes up. But it hadn't felt awful to talk to Doyoung about what had happened, even though Doyoung wouldn't have been his first choice for who to tell. Maybe he should tell Johnny and Yuta now, if only so he could stop dealing with everything himself. Even if nothing changed, maybe it really would help him move on instead of just agonizing over so many hypothetical situations.

He had been sitting there silently for an awkwardly long time, he realized, but Johnny and Yuta just sat there waiting quietly. Jaehyun's eyes were still down on his food but he thought he could feel them watching him, probably thinking _Oh shit, everything really isn't okay...._ And then he thought maybe they were imagining horrible scenarios much worse than what had actually happened and that made him feel even more uncomfortable so he said, "I was, uh, dating someone, sort of, but not anymore."

Jaehyun thought he might have been right about Johnny and Yuta imagining much worse reasons for his silence because now he heard them exhale and Johnny said, "Damn, uh, that sucks. But why didn't you say anything? Like you were seriously secretly dating someone this whole time?"

Yuta added, "Didn't I just spill everything to you about the girl I started talking to?" But his voice had a teasing tone, like it often did, and he didn't sound upset. 

Jaehyun took a breath. "It was a guy. I mean, he still is a guy, but... yeah." Jaehyun's face was burning. He wished he had at least been able to say that in a less confused-sounding way.

They were quiet for a minute and then Johnny said, "Oh. You know that's okay though, right? Like I get that was maybe harder to tell us but that's totally okay, Jaehyun."

"Yeah," added Yuta. And then, "Wow, I really had no idea you were into guys. Or... into both...?"

"I don't know," Jaehyun said quickly. He hadn't looked up from the table and it felt like all the blood was settling in his face which still felt very hot. "I had no idea either until... this one. It just sort of happened." Jaehyun breathed in and out and then said very quietly--he heard Johnny and Yuta lean in to hear him, "It's someone you know." They were still completely silent. Jaehyun flicked his eyes up at them and then back at his food. "Um, it was Taeyong." Johnny and Yuta stayed quiet but Jaehyun heard them both lean back at once and when he glanced up again they looked relaxed in their chairs and were sharing a look. He felt a little panicked. "Wait, did you guys know?"

"No!" said Yuta quickly. "No, but...."

"We had no idea, Jaehyun," continued Johnny. "Just, when you said it was someone we knew.... And he also fell off the face of the earth at the same time you disappeared, so now I guess that kind of makes sense."

"Yeah." Jaehyun picked up his fork and moved his food around on his plate a little.

"So do you, uh, still like him then?" Johnny asked. Jaehyun just nodded before he could talk himself out of answering.

"What happened?" Yuta asked. "I mean, if you want to talk about it...."

Jaehyun wasn't sure why, but his friends' mix of awkwardness and sincerity was strangely comforting. But he didn't exactly want to talk about everything yet. It was a relief to have told them about Taeyong, but he didn't really want to get into the way he'd ruined everything. He thought they might think that him telling them now was a step towards fixing things, and he felt strangely nervous when he considered that. It felt like this would be his last chance, and if Taeyong did end up deciding it was too little too late, then things would be over for good. "I just fucked up, I really fucked things up." He took a bite of his food and was glad that the queasiness in his stomach from both the hangover and the conversation had eased enough now for him to chew and swallow and even sort of enjoy it. "Thanks for, uh, listening, or whatever," Jaehyun finished lamely, and hoped that would be a cue that the conversation could return to easier topics.

"Oh please," Yuta said. "'Thanks for listening.' Are you serious? We're you're friends Jaehyun, jeez."

Jaehyun looked up. "I know, I know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner. It... it wasn't because of you. I just... I don't know, was confused, or something."

"Yeah," said Johnny seriously. "That's okay too though, you know. You can still be confused and talk to us before you have it all figured out. That's like, kind of the point of having wise older friends like us, Jaehyun. But uh, I know I'm usually a big fan of irresponsible drinking, but seriously, don't, like, drown your sorrows or whatever. Especially not before horrible early morning soccer workouts. Damn Jaehyun, how did you even survive...."

Jaehyun laughed a little and the mood lightened and they finally started focusing on their food as they fell back into their normal banter. Jaehyun felt a little strange, but he didn't really feel as different as he thought he would, and spending time with Johnny and Yuta now that they knew about Taeyong didn't feel as uncomfortable as he'd been imagining. This was a relief, but it also made him regret everything even more. He almost wished the conversation had been awful so that he could have justified not telling them sooner, could have told himself _See? It's a disaster, you were right not to say anything._ As it was, the rest of lunch was pretty much the same as always, and he felt the familiar guilt in his stomach about everything he'd done, or hadn't done, to push Taeyong away.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay on this chapter everyone, all i've wanted to do was keep writing but haven't had the time :/ anyway i hope you enjoy! we're approaching the end i think.... 
> 
> also i just wanted to say thanks very much for reading and for your comments! they are seriously so encouraging since i've never written anything this long before i really appreciate you all <3<3

The first few days of the week after Jaehyun told Johnny and Yuta about Taeyong were some of the strangest days Jaehyun had had since coming to college. He'd spent plenty of time at college feeling stressed about various things. And he'd spent some of his time feeling at ease and like everything was working out. But now he was experiencing a bizarre combination of both feelings.

On the one hand, an enormous weight had lifted after telling his friends the truth. He had thought he was doing okay, after Taeyong ended things, with letting go of the pressure to tell his friends anything. But now he thought he must have just gotten so used to that particular anxiety that he'd stopped registering it until now that it was gone. Their friendship carried on pretty much the same as it always had--it wasn't like suddenly their only topic of conversation was Taeyong--but it was as if everything they talked about felt easier. Even the boring things, like what they wanted to eat or what time soccer practice was, things that had nothing to do with Taeyong, felt simpler.

But at the same time as Jaehyun felt this strong sense of relief, telling his friends had opened up a whole new opportunity for anxiety. His secrecy had been the main obstacle to being with Taeyong, but now that it was gone he was starting to agonize about what to do next. He hadn't had to think about this before, when he thought he'd just continue keeping everything a secret forever. Not telling his friends had made him miserable, but it had also kept him strangely safe from having to actually try to fix things with Taeyong. And Jaehyun knew that trying to fix things exposed him to the risk that it wouldn't be enough. If he told Taeyong that he'd finally done what he asked, and Taeyong still didn't want to be with him, that was it, it would really be over, and Jaehyun couldn't stop imagining this possibility. Maybe it was just too late and Taeyong wouldn't want to put in the effort to try again. Or maybe Taeyong wouldn't trust that things would actually be better--Jaehyun couldn't totally blame him if that was the case, because he was aware that telling his two best friends was only a tiny part of becoming completely comfortable being in a relationship with a boy. Worst of all, Jaehyun worried that maybe Taeyong had just lost interest. Jaehyun couldn't shake the memory of seeing Taeyong leave the party with that guy, and every time it passed through his mind it made him feel queasy.

So Jaehyun did nothing for most of the week after telling his friends. He tried to enjoy his time with them and focus on how much more free he felt when they talked, no longer wary of their conversations turning towards topics that had made him feel awkward and dishonest before. He knew that he was doing nothing because he was afraid of how much it would hurt to do something and be turned down, and he knew this was just another pathetic reason not to do something he should. But at least this way he didn't have to know for certain that it was over, so he remained in this weird limbo.

However, as had been happening all semester, even when Jaehyun was able to calm his mind down or rationalize his choices to himself, his body still wouldn't let him forget his nerves, and he could feel his indecision twisting in his gut almost all the time. After that night at the party, Jaehyun had gone back to successfully avoiding Taeyong. He was vaguely surprised that he'd actually managed to not even lay eyes on the older boy this whole time; he hadn't thought the campus was big enough for that. It occurred to him that maybe the only reason he hadn't seen Taeyong was because Taeyong might be avoiding him too, but he quickly pushed that thought out of his mind.

Finally one night, when he was nearly asleep, his brain supplied him with a new thought that made perfect sense to him in the way only half-asleep thoughts ever seemed to. Telling his friends had alleviated a huge amount of his stress not just because it meant he was no longer hiding his feelings, but also because he didn't have to keep thinking about whether he should or shouldn't tell anymore. He had told, the choice was made, so he didn't have to keep debating with himself, and that was a relief in itself. Wouldn't taking some kind of action now make things easier in the same way? He was terrified that if he reached out to Taeyong the outcome might be bad, but if he didn't do anything he'd just stay terrified indefinitely, or at least until he actually stopped caring about Taeyong, and it didn't feel like that would ever happen.

Before he could lose his exhaustion-induced clarity, he grabbed his phone and, squinting at the glare of the screen in the dark room, texted Taeyong: _hey, can we talk?_ Then he managed to roll over and fall asleep instead of waiting for a response that he wasn't sure would come.

~~

The next morning was Friday, and Jaehyun had his earliest morning class on Fridays, which meant he was always a little out of it. He was halfway through the class before he remembered that he'd texted Taeyong, and when the thought came to him his stomach dropped and his mouth actually opened. He fought the urge to check his phone, and lost the fight, and checked his phone. Nothing. He looked back up at the professor and tried to register what she was saying but the rest of the class passed in a blur. He couldn't help but pathetically glance at his phone screen constantly throughout the rest of the morning, the excuse that Taeyong was still asleep and hadn't seen the message getting weaker and weaker as the day wore on.

When Jaehyun walked to dinner that evening with the soccer team and still hadn't gotten any response, he realized that his sleepy assumption that just taking action himself--if sending a text could be considered taking action--would be enough to alleviate his stress had of course been wrong. He was grateful to eat with the team because they were noisy enough that no one noticed that he stayed quiet, or if they did they pretended not to. By the time the meal was over, Jaehyun had convinced himself it couldn't hurt to keep trying. Now that Jaehyun had made his decision he didn't think he should immediately give up, and even though he was still afraid that Taeyong wouldn't give him another chance, he had to admit it would be better to just know once and for all. So Jaehyun slipped away outside and dialed Taeyong's number. It rang and rang and then went to voicemail. Jaehyun hung up and stared up at the sky, and then he called again. This time he left a message, not a well-thought out one but at least he kept it short: "Hey, it's me. Uh, Jaehyun, I mean. I... did you get my text? I just want to talk, Taeyong, please. Please call me." He hung up and stayed there, rooted to the spot, for what felt like a long time. He was embarrassed by how close to begging he had sounded. It wasn't what he would have said if he'd planned it at all first. He actually groaned out loud, his cheeks burning, and squeezed his phone tightly until he was startled by the team pouring out of the doors behind him. Johnny had brought Jaehyun's bag and his teammates all good-naturedly teased him about disappearing. He managed to laugh it off, and the conversation moved on.

That night in bed Jaehyun couldn't help calling Taeyong again, and when it went to voicemail this time he texted him. He knew he was repeating himself, just asking to talk, but he wanted to tell him about talking to Johnny and Yuta in person. It seemed like an important enough conversation to have face to face, and now that he'd let himself reach out, he desperately wanted to see the older again. He'd allowed himself to start thinking again about what it would be like to actually have Taeyong in front of him--not across a dark room smiling at another boy--and he couldn't stop.

The next day Jaehyun had work, and he texted Taeyong before work and at every break while he was there. By the time he left work, still with no response, he was a wreck. Maybe he should just accept the silence as Taeyong's answer in itself. Jaehyun imagined Taeyong looking at his phone screen and seeing yet another text from Jaehyun and just rolling his eyes, or worse, laughing. And then Jaehyun imagined Taeyong rolling his eyes and laughing with that boy from the party. He stopped walking and pressed his hand over his eyes as if to try to squeeze the image out of his brain. He tried to remind himself that Taeyong wasn't like that, wouldn't do something like that even if he wasn't interested in hearing what Jaehyun had to say.

Finally Jaehyun shook himself and pulled out his phone. "Fuck it," he muttered, and texted Taeyong quickly before he could lose his nerve:

_i told them about everything  
_

_please can we talk in person even just once  
_

Jaehyun stared at the screen, willing the bubble to appear that would show him that Taeyong was typing. But of course nothing happened. Jaehyun's eyes burned. There was still time to get a response back, he told himself, and he tried not to leap to conclusions, but he couldn't help but feel like maybe this was really it. Maybe his reluctance to try to reach out to Taeyong had been justified because now that he had and there was no response, now that it was becoming clear that Taeyong wasn't interested in him anymore after all, it really did hurt. Jaehyun had nothing to cling to anymore as a reason for why they weren't together. He had told his friends, and it had been relatively painless and made him realize that there hadn't been anything holding him back from telling them all along. But he'd been a coward, and now it was too late and there wasn't anything else he could do.

Jaehyun finally started walking again, a little dazed. His heart almost jumped out of his chest when his phone vibrated, but it was just Yuta asking if he was going out later. He responded that he was too tired after work and then, when he got back to his dorm, he really did lie down fully dressed on his bed and drift off into a fitful sleep.

~~

Jaehyun woke up at dawn, freezing because he was still lying on top of the covers. He was disoriented and his neck hurt. He rolled over to find his phone and check what time it was, trying to decide if he should go back to sleep or if he felt too disgusting to drift off again after sleeping in clothes he'd worn at the diner. Jaehyun located his phone and stared uncomprehendingly at the screen for a minute, and then he almost choked. There was a text. A text from Taeyong. Jaehyun sat up very fast and opened the message. _ok_. He stared, feeling elated because of any response after so much silence, but uneasy because of its brevity. Maybe Taeyong was agreeing to talk just to tell Jaehyun to leave him alone.

But, Jaehyun reasoned with himself, at least that would be something concrete, some kind of real response that he could start trying to accept, that he could move on from instead of just imagining and agonizing over. When he'd first told his friends about Taeyong, he had appreciated the uncertain state he'd found himself in, but now after a week of it he didn't think he could have kept enduring the nerves much longer. He was pretty sure he'd been losing weight because whenever he got stressed he felt it so strongly in his stomach that he had trouble eating. He had lost track of all the times throughout the year so far that he'd been feeling this way, and he realized that almost all of it had been because he had hesitated and worried instead of _doing_ something--trying to convince himself school would get easier without actually trying to change how he studied, for example, or hoping that a perfect moment to talk to his friends about Taeyong would just materialize without him having to start the conversation himself. In the case of his school work, his professor had thankfully intervened and forced him to accept some help, but now when it came to Taeyong there wasn't really anyone else who could step in and make this work except himself. Jaehyun knew that after everything, after how gentle and patient Taeyong had been with him for so long, he was the one who had to figure out how to make things better. And at least with this text message, this tiny _ok_ on the screen, he had a chance to try.

Jaehyun texted Taeyong back, trying not to analyze every word and just press send: _hey, sorry i fell asleep early last night. do you want to get coffee or something later? im free all day  
_

Jaehyun forced himself out of bed after sending because he thought otherwise he'd just stay there staring at his phone until Taeyong responded, and given how early it was he doubted Taeyong was awake yet. But Jaehyun had barely made it into the hallway on the way to shower when his phone buzzed: _i'm already awake too do you want to get coffee now_

Jaehyun squinted at the message. The lack of punctuation made the text feel somehow cold but he tried not to overthink it. He sent back a quick _yeah, ok, i just need to shower,_ and then hurried to do just that.

Jaehyun showered as if he were running late to class and when he got out Taeyong had texted him a cafe that was open early where they could meet. Jaehyun had never been there but when he looked it up he saw it was down the street from the diner where he worked. It wasn't far away by any means but he wondered if Taeyong had purposely chosen a place off campus. Jaehyun wasn't sure what it might mean if he had. He tried to distract himself by getting dressed and then spent more time than usual staring at himself in the mirror second guessing how his hair looked before finally putting on a hat. He wished his skin wasn't still so flushed from the hot water but there wasn't much he could do about that. He didn't want it to look like he was blushing the whole time he talked to Taeyong, but he had to admit that was probably a losing battle anyway, because just the thought of seeing the older again was making his cheeks feel even warmer than the shower had.

Jaehyun arrived at the cafe and looked around nervously, but given the early hour and the fact that it was Sunday, the place was almost empty and Jaehyun could see immediately that Taeyong wasn't there. He got an iced coffee and found a table where he could sit and watch the door, and then he quickly realized his throat wasn't working well enough to drink the coffee so he left it untouched in front of him and waited, bouncing his knee, his stomach flipping over every time the door opened.

When Taeyong arrived a few minutes later--although it felt like an eternity--Jaehyun's chest tightened painfully. He stood up and tried to wave and smile in a way that didn't betray how much of an effect seeing Taeyong again was having on him. It was almost surreal. Taeyong was wearing sweatpants and a hooded sweatshirt and an overcoat that Jaehyun couldn't help but think probably wasn't keeping him warm enough. His cheeks were bright pink from the cold air outside and his hair looked kind of windswept or like he'd just run his hand through it. Jaehyun blinked and was pretty sure he was now just obviously staring as Taeyong walked over to the table, but he was having trouble remembering how he normally interacted with people. Finally he noticed that he was still standing up while Taeyong had sat down already, so he dropped quickly into his own chair.

"Hi." Jaehyun thought his voice sounded weird and hoped it was just in his head. "Thanks for coming." He groaned inwardly at how stiff and formal he sounded. Taeyong just nodded. He hadn't taken off his coat. "Um, do you want a coffee or anything?"

"I'm okay," Taeyong said calmly. Jaehyun had to look a way for a second out the window. His heart was beating very fast. Taeyong didn't seem upset, he didn't seem angry at Jaehyun, but he didn't seem to feel anything else either, and Jaehyun was getting increasingly nervous. At least Taeyong didn't seem to be in a hurry, because he just sat silently while Jaehyun tried to pull himself together.

Jaehyun looked back and cleared his throat. He had been thinking so much about whether to try to talk to Taeyong at all, and then he'd been thinking about whether or not Taeyong would agree to talk to him, that he hadn't actually considered what he would say. He didn't know where to start but he supposed he had to say something. "Um, I just, I wanted to tell you that I told Johnny and Yuta, you know, about us. And I'm really, really sorry it took me so long to tell them." Now that Jaehyun had started speaking, he was surprised how many words were flooding into his brain to say next. Taeyong was still silently watching him so Jaehyun let himself keep talking, only half-thinking about what he was saying before he said it. "I was such an idiot, I am such an idiot, I don't have an excuse. I'm just really sorry, Taeyong. It was the only thing you asked of me and you were really understanding about it and I just, I'm sorry I couldn't do that for you. And I know that even though I told them now maybe it's too late, probably it's too late, but I just had to tell you I did it. And...."

Jaehyun swallowed. His throat had gotten even tighter while he was speaking. When he opened his mouth again his voice was definitely strained, and quieter than before. "And I want to be with you, Taeyong. I want us to be together. I really do. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize. I'm sorry I thought I could have you and still have everything stay the same for me like it always was. I don't want things to stay the same. I don't think I've felt like this about anyone before and of course that means things aren't going to stay the same and I don't know why I thought it would. And I," Jaehyun took a breath and forced the next words out, "I understand if you don't want to try again with me because I know I really let you down, and if you tell me it's too late I'll respect that. But... I hope you will let me try. I want to make it work, really, I want to make it work for you, the way you want it to be, however that is. And... I really missed you." Jaehyun stopped talking, a little perplexed as he tried to remember everything he'd just said.

Taeyong hadn't moved the whole time Jaehyun was speaking, and while Jaehyun had had trouble keeping his eyes still while he talked, Taeyong hadn't looked away from the younger's face once. Jaehyun's cheeks felt hot and he knew anyone watching them would be able to see how uncomfortable he was, how nervous, but he hoped that to Taeyong it just looked like he truly meant what he had said. Jaehyun couldn't tell if Taeyong was thinking about how to respond or waiting for Jaehyun to say something more. But the words in Jaehyun's brain had run out, so he just sat there and tried not to fidget.

Finally Taeyong took a breath and said, his voice almost unnaturally calm, "I'm glad you told them. And thank you for saying all of that and... being so honest. I need to think about it though, Jaehyun. I don't think I can just jump back in like how we were from this one conversation."

Jaehyun nodded, and he could feel that he was nodding more than was probably normal but he couldn't stop the motion. He wanted Taeyong to know that whatever he chose was okay, that his hesitation made sense. But Jaehyun was nervous. He couldn't really tell if he was being told no or not. He didn't think it was a definite no, but maybe Taeyong just didn't want to be too harsh?

Taeyong stood up and Jaehyun's heart sank. Maybe it was a no. Jaehyun still couldn't tell if the reason it was a no was because Taeyong was unsure if Jaehyun would actually be able to do better or if he had simply lost interest. "Taeyong," Jaehyun blurted out, looking up at the older, not trusting his own legs to support him if he stood up just yet. "Can I just ask.... I mean, I get you have to think about it, I totally get that, because I know I messed up, but please just tell me, do you still... feel anything for me? I know it might not mean anything even if you do, it might not be enough to forgive me, but... please, if you don't anymore just tell me."

Taeyong's face finally changed, only slightly, but it was something, an expression almost like surprise flitting across his features, and he sat back down rather suddenly. He opened his mouth and then closed it and Jaehyun watched, somewhat impressed, as Taeyong's face smoothed out again to something unreadable. He didn't think he had that kind of self control and was certain his own expression was telling too much about his inner thoughts.

Taeyong sat still for another moment, and then he spoke, and even though his voice was still quiet and calm Jaehyun could hear something in it that hadn't been there before, like this time Taeyong was making an effort to keep it even. "I still feel something for you." Jaehyun blinked and made himself wait instead of blurting something out in response. It didn't seem like Taeyong was done talking, and he had said so little so far that Jaehyun didn't want to ruin his chance to hear more. "But that's why I can't just rush back in, okay? I don't want to... go through it again like before." Taeyong's voice was soft, as if he was already trying to ease however Jaehyun might feel at his words, as if he was the one apologizing for not being able to immediately forgive Jaehyun, and this made Jaehyun feel even worse, and even more desperate to show that he could actually deserve someone like this. "But," Taeyong continued. Jaehyun had to lean forward to hear him now. "I will let you try. I hope... I hope you try."

Jaehyun's breath felt tight in his chest and he started nodding again. This was definitely not a no. Maybe it wasn't totally a yes yet, but it was something. He could keep trying to make it a yes. Taeyong _hoped_ he would keep trying. Taeyong stood up again and this time Jaehyun stood up too, quickly enough to make his head swim. Taeyong was saying bye and turning to go. Jaehyun reached out and grabbed Taeyong's sleeve. He hesitated, and Taeyong looked at the hand on his sleeve and then up at Jaehyun with his eyebrows a little raised. While they had been talking the cafe had been filling up and Jaehyun could feel the people around them and even though they probably weren't paying him any mind he still imagined their eyes on him. He had meant everything he said to Taeyong about wanting to be together, but it was still hard to shake how self-conscious he was about people actually _seeing_ them together, even though these were all people he didn't know and shouldn't care about. He still wasn't used to people looking at him as different at all. He was used to being seen as just a certain type of guy who was basically recognizable from generations of movies and TV shows, who played sports and mostly wore sweats and caught the attention of girls without really trying. It wasn't that he didn't think he was an interesting person, a smart and mostly good person with his own quirks once people got to know him, but he wasn't used to standing out from the crowd for any less-than-flattering reason. He could logically tell himself that, especially in a college town like the one they were in, seeing two boys on a date at a cafe wasn't actually all that out of the ordinary at all, but he couldn't deny that it still made him feel embarrassed, no matter how much his brain told him that was unreasonable.

Even though the people in the cafe probably weren't actually watching him at all, Taeyong was, and Jaehyun swallowed and reminded himself that that was what was actually important. What he did or didn't do actually mattered to Taeyong, and no one else in the cafe would actually care, so why was he feeling as though their opinions were more important? "Thank you," Jaehyun finally said. And then he tightened his fingers on Taeyong's sleeve and ignored how warm the back of his neck felt and leaned forward and kissed Taeyong quickly on the cheek. Taeyong's eyebrows raised even more and Jaehyun was at least pleased to see that Taeyong was faintly blushing now himself. Jaehyun released the older's sleeve and smiled at him and said goodbye, and Taeyong gave a small smile back although he still looked mostly surprised, and then he left. Jaehyun realized belatedly that obviously they were both going in the same direction back to campus, but he felt too weird to follow Taeyong right away or walk back together so he sat down and finally drank his forgotten coffee and let his heart slow down before leaving himself.

~~

The next day when Jaehyun went to the library in the evening to start his work, he finally went back to the same table he had always sat at with Taeyong before. Taeyong wasn't there, but luckily no other students had taken the spot so Jaehyun sat down and started pulling out his things. Midterms were approaching in a couple weeks and he was trying to get ahead on studying. He didn't think too hard as he texted Taeyong asking if he wanted to come study together, and then he put his phone face down on the table and started working.

Taeyong responded much later saying sorry he had missed the text, he was in the art studio. And the next day when Jaehyun texted him again about coming to the library, Taeyong responded saying he was working on a group project for one of his classes. Jaehyun tried not to feel disappointed, and tried to remember what Taeyong had said _\--I hope you try_ \--and on Wednesday he texted Taeyong again, and got another response with another reason why he couldn't come.

But on Thursday, when Jaehyun got to the table in the library, Taeyong was there already. Jaehyun stopped walking, and said "Hi" in a voice that betrayed his surprise. Taeyong looked up and Jaehyun said, "I didn't expect you to be here."

Taeyong laughed a little and said, "Honestly the texts were starting to drive me crazy so I figured I would just show up first." Jaehyun blushed. He couldn't totally tell if Taeyong was joking, but at least he didn't look angry. And he was here.

Jaehyun sat down and Taeyong asked how his classes were going and what he was working on, and they talked about that for a while before lapsing into silence as they both started focusing on their own work. It definitely felt different from before, Jaehyun thought. And he didn't think the awkwardness was just in his own head. But Taeyong had shown up, he was sitting just a couple feet away with his head bowed and the same expression on his face that he usually had when he concentrated. Jaehyun knew this was going to hurt his productivity and it did--he couldn't stop himself from looking up at Taeyong every few minutes, and sometimes when he looked at the older he wouldn't look back down and would realize that a weirdly long time had passed with him just staring. When they'd met at the cafe Jaehyun had been sort of overwhelmed by the sight of Taeyong and by what he had to say, and he hadn't thought about the details of the older's appearance, but now in the quiet library he could. Taeyong's hair looked even paler than before and Jaehyun wondered if he'd dyed it again. Other than that Jaehyun couldn't find any real changes in the older's appearance but it still felt like he looked different, better, than Jaehyun remembered. Or maybe it was just that Jaehyun's memory hadn't lived up to the reality. 

Jaehyun managed to get through the rest of their time studying, and did somehow get most of his work done, although he knew he would have finished hours earlier if he hadn't been so distracted. He didn't feel totally calm or at ease around Taeyong yet--he kept overthinking the things he said and did, wondering if it seemed natural enough--but despite his continued nerves he felt happier than he had in a long time. He tried not to let his mind wander too far or start wanting too much, and instead he focused on being content that Taeyong was even giving him a chance. And he tried to tell himself that if this was all he could have for a while, just friendship, just some of Taeyong's time, then he would take that and try not to let how badly he wanted to kiss him and touch him again get in the way.

Taeyong and Jaehyun kept studying together after that, as if it was still back when they'd first met and Taeyong had just been his tutor. Of course, it may have seemed like things were totally the same on the outside--all they did was study, and talk sometimes--but on the inside Jaehyun could barely remember what it had felt like not to care about Taeyong, not to want him. Now, although Jaehyun did get better again at actually getting his work done, he couldn't always keep his thoughts under control. He tried to remember to be patient, but sometimes he wanted more so badly that looking at Taeyong across the seemingly endless distance of the table almost hurt.

Once in the library towards the end of the night when Jaehyun had read so many pages his eyesight had started to double, he glanced at Taeyong and immediately realized this was a mistake. Taeyong had reached back and slipped his hand down the collar of his shirt to knead the back of his neck, wincing slightly after sitting hunched over his computer for so long, and Jaehyun couldn't take his eyes off the sliver of skin that was exposed, feeling like he was back in middle school going through puberty. He stared as Taeyong moved his hand to his shoulder and the shirt stretched to make his collarbone visible. Jaehyun completely forgot about his work and imagined putting his tongue on Taeyong's skin instead, in the dip above his collarbone. He could almost remember how warm it would be, how it would taste. Jaehyun felt slightly dazed as his imagination continued to wander to other parts of Taeyong that he wanted to put his mouth on, and next thing he knew he was half hard under the table and had to turn his whole head to look out of the window and focus very hard on the students he could see outside in order to calm down.

The entire time that they hadn't been seeing or talking to each other, Jaehyun hadn't let himself touch himself thinking of Taeyong. Or, more accurately, he hadn't been able to, because even when he thought about having sex with Taeyong the memories depressed him too much to turn him on. But now that there was some possibility that he might get to have Taeyong that way again, thinking about it had become unbearable in a different way. That night when he got home, Jaehyun was still struggling to keep his thoughts, and his dick, under control. He felt strangely guilty about it; it wasn't as though the only thing he liked about Taeyong was his body, after all. But he knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep like this. He went to take another shower, already fully hard by the time he got under the water, his imagination helplessly fixated on an image of Taeyong bent over the table in the library, with Jaehyun's fingers digging into his neck and shoulders instead of his own. Jaehyun came almost as soon as he touched himself, his knees buckling.

~~

The next day Taeyong surprised Jaehyun by texting him asking where he was eating lunch. When Jaehyun told him that he was in the dining hall with Johnny and Yuta like usual, Taeyong showed up with Doyoung. Jaehyun had told Johnny and Yuta that he was studying with Taeyong again, because one day after dinner they had asked Jaehyun where he was going when he said he couldn't come to their apartment to hang out, and Jaehyun had forced himself to say he was going to the library with Taeyong, instead of just saying he was going to the library, even though it made him blush. Yuta had asked if they were back together and Jaehyun had said no, not really, but he hoped maybe they would get there, and that had been pretty much the extent of the conversation, but at least it was something. At least it was a normal conversation with his friends where he was able to casually mention Taeyong and not feel dishonest for once. But when Taeyong and Doyoung showed up at lunch again after so long, Jaehyun could feel Johnny and Yuta both simultaenously glance at him before cheerfully greeting the other two boys.

Lunch was not horrible, mostly because Doyoung, Johnny, and Yuta were apparently incapable of not having lively conversations even in the presence of two people being obviously awkward with each other. Jaehyun wasn't sure, actually, if maybe he was the only one being awkward, because even when Taeyong was quiet it just made him seem thoughtful and sort of intriguing, and Jaehyun didn't think his own shyness really gave off the same effect. Jaehyun had trouble following the conversation because he was thinking so hard about what Taeyong looked like, and what Taeyong was looking at, and what he might be thinking about, and what he should maybe say himself to make it seem like he was capable of functioning normally. And then when he decided that yes, he should contribute to the conversation, he would realize he had no idea what anyone had been talking about and go back to thinking about Taeyong instead.

Finally towards the end of lunch the conversation lulled. This made Jaehyun feel like suddenly his discomfort was extremely noticeable. He could feel Doyoung staring at him, and when he glanced up, hoping he was just imagining it, Doyoung really was staring at him even more intensely than he'd thought. Jaehyun leaned back in his chair, uncertain if he was supposed to know what this look meant. Or was it a glare? He shifted his eyes away nervously. "Okay," said Doyoung suddenly. Everyone looked at him. "I just think we need to address the fact that you two," he gestured vageuly at Taeyong and Jaehyun, "had a thing, and we all know about it, so please stop being so weird." Johnny laughed, a quick, surprised sort of sound that also sounded like he was fairly impressed by Doyoung's abrupt statement.

Jaehyun managed to nod and laugh a little too but his cheeks were burning and, contrary to Doyoung's command, he was pretty sure he was being even more weird. But it occurred to him that his embarrassment wasn't really about the fact that he and Taeyong had "had a thing." Everyone at the table did already know that, after all, and he was surprised to find that it didn't bother him. He was more embarrassed that everyone at the table also knew that they didn't really "have a thing" anymore, and Doyoung at least certainly knew exactly how Jaehyun had ruined things. He hadn't missed the fact that Doyoung had talked about them in the past tense. But he supposed it was probably an improvement that he just felt embarrassed about his mistakes towards Taeyong, and not about his feelings towards him over all. Maybe that wasn't such a bad way to feel, Jaehyun thought.

The conversation picked up again, and then people started trickling off to go to their classes, and despite Jaehyun's shock at Doyoung's bluntness (although he wasn't sure why he was still surprised by anything Doyoung said), it did make things go noticeably better the next time they all saw each other, and they continued spending more time together after that. Jaehyun continued studying at the usual table in the library, and Taeyong joined him when he could, although he'd been busy putting together a portfolio as part of an application to work with a famous artist coming to campus the following month, and this meant he was in the art studios about half the time. And, depending on everyone's schedules, some combination of Doyoung, Taeyong, Yuta, Johnny, and Jaehyun, occasionally with other kids as well, usually ended up eating meals together. Midterms passed much more easily than the fall semester exams had, and Jaehyun was reasonably happy with all his grades, and Taeyong smiled when Jaehyun showed him his results, as if he were still the one helping him get through every assignment.

Although spending time together, with their other friends or alone, had become easier, Jaehyun had started constantly thinking about how he could show Taeyong that he was serious, that he really meant it about wanting to be together. And he had decided this mostly meant showing the older that he wasn't so embarrassed anymore about the way others saw him. On the one hand, Jaehyun didn't want to push his luck by immediately acting as if they were a couple. They weren't, as he frequently reminded himself. But he also didn't want to just keep treating Taeyong the same way he treated his other friends, and he thought, or hoped at least, that Taeyong didn't want that either. So Jaehyun always gave Taeyong a hug hello or goodbye, even if he didn't greet anyone else that way, and maybe sometimes he kept his arms around the older a little longer than necessary. Or Jaehyun would try to catch Taeyong's eye and smile at him while everyone was talking over each other at lunch. Or he'd go out of his way to walk Taeyong to class, or back to his dorm after they studied in the library. And gradually these little things became habits, he didn't even think about them anymore, and he stopped overthinking other things as well, things he would never have been comfortable enough to do before. 

One night at the library they were talking through one of Jaehyun's assignments that had confused him. Taeyong didn't help him with his work so much anymore, but whenever Jaehyun had a question it was like the older couldn't resist falling back into his tutor mode. They had passed the book back and forth a couple times as they both tried to read over the confusing parts, and finally Jaehyun gave up and walked around the table to sit next to Taeyong, and they leaned over the book together. Jaehyun was in the middle of trying to explain what the rest of the book was about so Taeyong would understand his question about the chapter he was reading, when he noticed that Taeyong's leg had started bouncing up and down very fast, like a nervous tic. It was rattling his chair and a girl at a nearby table looked up at them. Without thinking about it, Jaehyun dropped his hand onto Taeyong's thigh, near his knee, squeezing a little to make him stop moving, which Taeyong did immediately. Jaehyun realized what he'd done when he felt Taeyong stiffen a little next to him, and his words faltered and he lost his train of thought for a moment. But Taeyong didn't say anything or move away, and when Jaehyun continued speaking without moving his hand away Taeyong carried on the conversation too. The older's leg was very warm under Jaehyun's hand, even through his jeans, and Jaehyun could feel the older relax again next to him. They finished discussing the reading and then went back to doing their own work, but Jaehyun didn't go back to the other side of the table. Eventually he had to take his hand off Taeyong's leg because he needed to write something down, but he could still feel the warmth of it, and they were sitting close enough now that he could hear Taeyong quietly breathing beside him.

A few days after that, Jaehyun was leaving the locker room with the team after soccer practice. It was still technically winter but it was unseasonably warm and not completely dark yet, and the whole team had been giddy the entire practice with this reminder that spring was coming. Jaehyun had enjoyed practicing for once without layering up and without being able to see his breath in front of his face, and the team's energy was still high as they headed towards the dining hall, walking in the middle of the quiet streets that cut through campus.

Jaehyun felt like he'd been smiling the entire walk and then he felt his smile widen when he spotted Doyoung and Taeyong walking together on the sidewalk. He called out to them and jogged over, practically bouncing as he approached behind them and threw an arm over each of their shoulders, walking between them. Doyoung grumbled something but Jaehyun just laughed, and then he looked at Taeyong and saw how close his face was and how soft his cheek looked and he leaned over and kissed it, harder than he'd meant to because of his momentum from walking. Taeyong made a surprised noise and turned his head towards the younger and Jaehyun almost stopped walking at suddenly having Taeyong look at him like that while their faces were only inches apart. Taeyong's eyes were very dark and Jaehyun felt a little dizzy. Thankfully he was prevented from doing anything stupid by Yuta shouting at them as he walked over too, and they all fell into easy conversation. Doyoung squirmed out from underneath Jaehyun's arm, which made him laugh again, but he kept his arm around Taeyong for the rest of the walk and Taeyong didn't move away. He saw Yuta glance at him, looking sort of curious, but that was it. Jaehyun didn't mind, and maybe it was just the slight recklessness that the warm weather was filling them all with, but he didn't really mind the thought of the rest of the soccer team noticing either.

When they all got to the dining hall, Doyoung and Taeyong sat with them. The team was boisterous and spread out over a few tables, but most of the students in the dining hall seemed to have been smiliarly affected by the spring-like day. It was also a Thursday, so there was the usual thrill of the approaching weekend as well. They stayed at dinner for a lot longer than it took to actually eat, and then most of the team went back to Johnny and Yuta's apartment. Since Jaehyun had his early morning class the next day he needed to go to the library instead, and he managed to resist his teammates trying to convince him to join them as they all spilled out of the front doors into the still mild night.

The team finally headed off, and a few other kids who weren't going peeled away to wherever they had to be instead, and Doyoung announced that he had to go meet a study group for one of his classes. Jaehyun didn't miss his glance at Taeyong, like he was checking to make sure it was okay to leave them alone together, which Jaehyun didn't think was entirely necessary considering how much time they'd spent together in the library the past couple weeks. But he supposed being in a brightly lit library surrounded by students was different from being outside in the dark on a warm night filled with the promise of spring. Jaehyun was standing next to Taeyong and not looking at him, so he didn't see his reaction to Doyoung's look, but whatever it was Doyoung said goodbye and walked away.

"Do you want to go to the library?" Jaehyun asked. He wished that he had something better to say, a more exciting place to suggest, but of course, despite the mood the weather had created, it was just a normal Thursday night and he did have a lot of homework. 

Taeyong shook his head. "I need to go home and then probably go to the studio instead. The application to work with this artist is due tomorrow and I have like two pieces I still need to finish."

Jaehyun nodded, hiding his disappointment. "I'll walk you home then?" Taeyong shrugged, but he smiled a little too, and they started walking down the path together. They didn't speak but it didn't feel uncomfortable. It wasn't very late yet and students were walking around, more of them out than usual with the pleasant night, but Jaehyun didn't think about that when he slipped his hand into Taeyong's. Taeyong curled his fingers around Jaehyun's and they continued walking that way, and Jaehyun didn't pull his hand away when people passed them on the path, even when some of the kids were people he knew and he could see them glance at their clasped hands as they said hi. The first time this happened Jaehyun could feel Taeyong stiffen a little, like he was waiting for Jaehyun to let go, and then when he didn't he could see, out of the corner of his eye, Taeyong turn his head to look at him.

They reached Taeyong's dorm and stopped walking. "Good night," Taeyong said after a moment, and stepped forward to go inside, loosening his fingers from Jaehyun's. But Jaehyun tightened his grip, which made Taeyong stop and turn so that he was facing the younger, looking surprised and a little wary.

Jaehyun just looked at him for a moment, trying to work up the courage to say what he wanted to say, and Taeyong, like he usually did in these situations, just waited quietly for him. Even though the night had cooled, Jaehyun could still smell the warmth of the day and feel the buzz of energy in the air that had seemed to infect the whole student body. He opened and closed his mouth twice, and then he finally said, "Can I kiss you?" His already nervous stomach did something at the sight of Taeyong's eyes widening, but the older stayed silent. Jaehyun was blushing but he whispered, "Please? Please, Taeyong. I want to kiss you again. I've missed it so much." He worried this was maybe too much, and he tried not to cringe at how desperate he sounded. But then Taeyong nodded, a miniscule movement that Jaehyun thought he would have missed if he hadn't already been scrutinizing Taeyong's face so closely.

Jaehyun hesitated for a moment, feeling sort of surprised and realizing that part of him had expected Taeyong to say no. Then he stepped closer and brought his free hand up to touch Taeyong's jaw. The skin was warm and soft like he remembered and he felt a little shaky to be so close again. He leaned in and pressed their lips together. His stomach felt funny but now that Taeyong had nodded, now that Jaehyun knew Taeyong wanted to kiss him too, he didn't think the feeling was from nerves. He moved his fingers around to the back of Taeyong's neck and stepped closer and opened his mouth a little. He slid his tongue a little tentatively over Taeyong's bottom lip and then Taeyong's mouth opened too and Jaehyun slipped his tongue inside. His fingers were pressing harder into the back of Taeyong's neck and their chests were pressed against each other now. His skin felt hot and oversensitive and he almost jumped when he felt Taeyong put his hand on his waist, feeling the light touch even through his shirt and sweatshirt. Jaehyun thought about how much time had passed since the last time he'd been able to do this and it made him feel a little dizzy. He didn't want to stop but as the kiss continued and he felt Taeyong's fingers tighten in his sweatshirt and his tongue lick into his mouth, he knew if he didn't pull away he wouldn't ever be able to. He could tell Taeyong liked the kiss but he didn't want to push it too far, he didn't want to get to a point that made Taeyong pull away.

Jaehyun broke the kiss but kept their faces close, their foreheads touching, his hands on either side of Taeyong's jaw. He stroked the skin there with his thumbs and felt Taeyong shiver. Jaehyun kept their faces like that and felt Taeyong's fast breath mingling with his own and resisted the urge to kiss him again. The giddiness that he'd been feeling the whole evening had faded and been replaced by something else, arousal maybe but also a strong sense of contentment, and relief. He felt like he should say something but couldn't quite think of the right thing, so he very lightly brushed his lips against Taeyong's again and then stepped back. Taeyong's face was flushed and his lips were wet and a darker shade of pink than normal. Jaehyun pressed the back of his hand against his own mouth, smiling a little self-consciously. "Good night," he said softly. Taeyong was just looking at him with something in his eyes that Jaehyun couldn't quite read. Jaehyun made himself turn away and walk back towards the library, trying to resist the urge to turn around and look at Taeyong again, trying to resist the urge to turn around and walk back to him and kiss him and never stop. He managed with the latter but eventually lost against the former. When he looked back over his shoulder Taeyong was still standing there, not looking at Jaehyun but just staring out at the night in front of him. Jaehyun was already pretty far away but even at this distance he could see that Taeyong's long fingers were pressed against his lips.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, we have finally reached the end. this chapter took me forever to write... I think I was just reluctant to be done :'( 
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and thank you again for reading and being so supportive it's really so amazing and I appreciate it so much. love you all! <3<3

Jaehyun didn't get to see Taeyong the next day because Taeyong had apparently shut himself away in the art studios until his pieces were finished for the artist's assistant application. Jaehyun tried not to be too disappointed, and he did genuinely want Taeyong to do well with the portfolio and get accepted for the position. Jaehyun had never heard of the artist who was coming, but Taeyong clearly had and Jaehyun could tell that every time he talked about it he was trying to hide how excited and nervous he was about the opportunity. So Jaehyun just texted Taeyong a few times throughout the day, and kept his texts cheerful and encouraging, and didn't get too hung up on the fact that Taeyong's responses were few and far between. Jaehyun wasn't faking his encouragement but he desperately wanted to see Taeyong again and the more selfish parts of him wanted Taeyong to just finish and submit the damn portfolio so he could.

This selfish side had also been responsible for distracting him from his homework the night before and filling him with regret about breaking the kiss with Taeyong. Jaehyun knew that leaving Taeyong and going back to the library to do his work had probably been the right thing to do. Taeyong didn't want to rush anything, and Jaehyun didn't want to scare the older away now that he was letting Jaehyun in again. But the less rational parts of his mind couldn't help but wonder why the hell he'd walked away when he probably could have asked Taeyong to let him into his dorm and then also into his body. He thought if he'd asked in that moment Taeyong would have said yes. Jaehyun couldn't shake the memory of how Taeyong had stared at him after Jaehyun pulled away and said goodnight, and he still didn't know exactly what the look had meant but it had seemed almost frustrated. It had seemed to want more. But the less sexually-driven parts of Jaehyun's mind knew that even if that had happened there was a possibility that Taeyong would have regretted it. Jaehyun was pretty sure that if he had asked for more last night, and Taeyong had said yes, it would have mostly been because both of them were so affected by the kiss, and Jaehyun didn't really want to have sex with Taeyong again for the first time in so long just because the older might have been too caught up in the moment to consider saying no.

On the other hand, Jaehyun didn't think arousal had been the only way the kiss had affected him, and he didn't think arousal was the only thing he'd seen in Taeyong's eyes either. Maybe if Taeyong had said yes to sex, that decision would have been about more than just arousal too? Jaehyun couldn't find an answer to this speculation, and he knew there was no point wondering so excessively over it, but the thoughts still ran through his head after leaving Taeyong and going to the library, and then when he got home they kept him up long enough that he was groggy and unfocused during class the next morning.

That evening, after Taeyong had finally submitted his application, he and Doyoung joined Jaehyun, Johnny, and Yuta for dinner again. Taeyong was quiet when Jaehyun asked how it went, and he thought the older might have been trying not to get his hopes up, or maybe it just made him too nervous to talk about. Jaehyun let the conversation move on. Dinner was much quieter than it had been the night before, even though it was a Friday. The weather had cooled off again, and of course they weren't eating with the entire soccer team which eliminated a lot of chaos. Jaehyun sat next to Taeyong and found that he was having a hard time keeping his hands to himself. They kept ending up resting on the older's back, or on his knee, or touching his arm when he talked to him. Taeyong didn't seem to mind, but he mostly didn't reciprocate the touches, except if you counted one brief moment when he suddenly leaned over into Jaehyun so that their shoulders were pressed together, but Jaehyun wasn't entirely sure that hadn't been an accident.

Either way, though, Jaehyun found that he felt a lot calmer around Taeyong than he had been feeling the past couple weeks. Kissing him the night before had at least reassured him that Taeyong really did still have feelings for him, and Jaehyun realized that he had started thinking in terms of "when" instead of "if:" when would Taeyong tell him he believed Jaehyun was sincere and doing better, when would they be able to really be together, when would Jaehyun get to kiss him again. Jaehyun at least tried not to focus on this last question too much throughout dinner, and he found that he was actually able to somehow balance his hyper-awareness of Taeyong's every movement with how enjoyable it was to spend time with his friends.

Yuta spent a good part of dinner trying to convince them all to go out afterwards. He had started dating the girl Jaehyun had met briefly at the party a few weeks ago, although the memory of the girl and Jaehyun's happiness for Yuta had been clouded over at the time by the shock of seeing Taeyong with that other guy. She and her roommates were hosting a party themselves this time, and Yuta wanted them all to go. Everyone agreed except Taeyong, who admitted he had stayed up all night the night before working on his art and still hadn't slept. Jaehyun, who had slept for a good six hours and still been totally out of it in class that morning, stared at Taeyong with his amazement showing plainly on his face, wondering not only how Taeyong had managed to function at this level of sleep deprivation but also how he managed to still look so damn pretty. Out of all the people at the table, Jaehyun had to be the one that spent the most time looking at Taeyong's face, and he would never have guessed the older hadn't slept since yesterday. 

Doyoung agreed to go to the party, however, and after dinner they all went to their respective dorms to get ready--or in Taeyong's case, to sleep. Jaehyun hugged him goodbye and tried not to sound too much like he was nagging when he said he hoped he slept well and took care of himself, and then he smoothed Taeyong's hair off his forehead and kissed the skin this exposed. He was sort of pleased to see Taeyong blush.

As soon as Doyoung and Taeyong were out of earshot, Yuta said, "So...?" He and Johnny both looked at Jaehyun expectantly, who scratched his neck awkwardly and tried to think of an answer for this vague question that he nonetheless of course understood. Jaehyun started walking back in the direction of his dorm, and Johnny and Yuta fell into step beside him.

"Did you guys work things out?" prompted Johnny.

"I mean, a little?" said Jaehyun. "I'm trying to?" He felt weird talking about this with them, but for once it wasn't because Taeyong was a boy, and instead was because he just wasn't used to talking with them about feelings like this at all. Yuta had certainly been talking their ears off about his new girlfriend, but Yuta had always had a way of being unabashed about sharing his feelings, and Jaehyun didn't think he'd ever mastered that himself.

"Things look a lot more worked out to me," said Yuta. "You guys are getting almost sickening to hang out with."

Jaehyun sputtered indignantly and Johnny laughed and punched Yuta in the arm. "Oh my god, Yuta, stop being so dramatic," Johnny said. "Do you remember when you were dating that girl freshman year? _That_ was sickening. It was like she was literally incapable of sitting in normal chairs and would only ever sit in your lap. And the number of times I was the only other person hanging out with you two and suddenly you'd just be shoving your tongue down her throat. Jeez, it's amazing our friendship survived. Meanwhile Jaehyun, like, pats Taeyong awkwardly on the shoulder every once in a while and you lose your mind?"

Jaehyun's face was burning but he also felt strangely comforted that they were able to joke about this, that maybe he and Taeyong were becoming a normal topic of conversation that could be worked into their usual humorous banter. Yuta had started laughing while Johnny was talking and Jaehyun found himself smiling too. Yuta said, "Sorry, sorry, you know I'm just kidding, Jaehyun. But honestly, like, things do seem different...?"

Jaehyun could hear the question hanging there. "Yeah, I guess things are different. I'm not sure exactly where we are yet but... I think we might, um, get back to being okay?"

Johnny rolled his eyes at this lame description. "Okay like, together? Or okay like, not hating each other and avoiding each other for the rest of your life?"

"Like... together. But we haven't actually talked about that yet, okay? Things aren't exactly defined."

"But you really like him," said Yuta, squinting at him. Jaehyun was a little taken aback by how straightforward Yuta was. It didn't sound like he was asking a question. "And he really likes you."

Jaehyun looked at Yuta. "I think so, yeah," he said quietly. He felt nervous, somehow, saying it, like he might jinx it.

"Oh, I wasn't asking if he did," said Yuta. "It's pretty obvious." Jaehyun's face burned again but it wasn't a bad feeling.

"Have you guys done anything?" asked Johnny. Jaehyun raised his eyebrows. "Like, slept together?"

Jaehyun rolled his eyes but knew he was probably blushing even harder. "Oh my god, you guys, didn't we pass the way to your dorm ages ago? Why are you still following me?"

"You _did_ sleep together!" said Johnny, covering his mouth as if he were scandalized. "And you're saying you only _think_ he likes you back?"

"We didn't! We just... kissed okay?"

"Wait," Johnny lowered his hand and looked at Jaehyun without the teasing expression. "All you've ever done is kiss?"

"No, I mean," Jaehyun could feel himself getting flustered. "No, that's not all we've ever done. But since we... broke up or whatever, yeah, I just kissed him once, that's it. So I don't exactly know what we... are right now."

This finally seemed like enough of an answer, and Johnny and Yuta finally seemed to notice that they were walking completely in the opposite direction of their own apartment, so they peeled off down another path with a promise to meet up again later at the party. Jaehyun headed back to his own dorm to change and held back from texting Taeyong, hoping he was already asleep and trying not to feel too disappointed that he wouldn't get to see him.

~~

Taeyong wasn't in the art studios as much now that his application was done, and for the rest of the week they studied together in the library every night. Jaehyun didn't bring up the application anymore because the older was obviously trying not to think about it while he waited to get a response. By the time Wednesday came around, Jaehyun realized they had also been eating together every day, usually with the rest of their friends as well. No one really paid any mind to how often Jaehyun touched Taeyong and it was making him less self-conscious, and he found himself holding Taeyong's hand whenever they walked anywhere, kissing his cheeks or forehead when they said goodbye. This always seemed to make Taeyong a little flustered, which only made Jaehyun want to do it more.

When they were alone, at the end of the night after studying for example, Jaehyun would kiss Taeyong on the lips instead. It didn't go further than that, but Jaehyun was still slightly baffled by how good it felt even just to do this much. And he could tell that Taeyong had been getting more and more reluctant to let Jaehyun stop kissing him, although he never said anything, and he never invited Jaehyun inside. Jaehyun had decided he would wait for Taeyong to say something, to decide to take things further, and he thought this was the right choice, but it was getting increasingly difficult to stick to as the week went on. One night Taeyong ended up with his back pressed against the wall of the dorm building and Jaehyun's thigh between his legs before the younger realized what he was doing and pulled away, breathing hard. There was a moment then when Jaehyun really thought Taeyong was about to say something, but once again he didn't, and Jaehyun forced a smile while he said goodbye and went back to his own small dorm.

Other than that, the only other incident of the week was when Jaehyun finally called his parents to tell them about Taeyong. Telling his family hadn't really been something he'd thought a lot about up until now. Initially his stress over telling his friends had consumed all his brainpower. And he never talked to his parents about who he was dating anyway, so it only vaguely crossed his mind that he should talk to them now. He supposed the fact that the person he was dating was a boy probably made it more important to mention, but he still felt weird about talking to them about his love life at all as he dialed their number and listening to the phone ring in his ear.

Unsurprisingly, the conversation was fairly uneventful. Jaehyun couldn't shake the feeling that they also felt a little weird talking about this topic, and that this had nothing to do with the gender of the person he was interested in, and everything to do with the fact that the conversation was so far outside of the things they usually discussed with each other. After telling his friends though, he had at least been a lot more confident that his parents wouldn't drastically change the way they thought about him just because they had this new piece of information about him. And they certainly sounded happy for him, despite not knowing exactly what to say. After hanging up, Jaehyun reflected that the conversation might have been less awkward if he'd been able to give them a clearer description of what exactly he and Taeyong were to each other. He was pretty sure, though, that saying they were dating was probably pretty accurate. He was pretty sure that, even if they hadn't really talked about it yet, spending a lot of time with someone you liked and holding their hand and kissing them a lot probably consituted dating, and it certainly felt even more like that now that Jaehyun wasn't doing this all in secret.

~~

That Saturday, the soccer team had a tournament at another school two hours away. The tournament could last the entire day, but it depended on how many games they won. The other schools in the tournament were from different conferences, and many of them had significantly larger and more successful soccer programs, so in previous years their team hadn't been especially successful. The coach had made it very clear at Friday's practice that they better be asleep as soon as possible since they left the next morning at dawn, and he expected them to win at least three games to make the four hour round trip worthwhile, so after a subdued dinner Jaehyun obediently returned to his own dorm and tried to sleep.

Even though he really was trying to do what the coach had said, his body wasn't tired enough to sleep so early despite his best efforts. Instead he called Taeyong and talked to him on the phone until he could hear Doyoung yelling in the background that they had to go--to a party, Jaehyun assumed--and Taeyong told Jaehyun he needed to sleep so he could play his best tomorrow, which made Jaehyun roll his eyes and smile at the same time. After that Jaehyun did manage to eventually drift off to sleep, and the next day at the tournament he did play well enough that the coach actually started him in their quarterfinal round game in the afternoon.

In the semifinal game they ended up losing, and even though this was disappointing it was still much farther than they'd ever gotten before. It was also a lot later in the day than any of them had been expecting it to be, and Jaehyun knew it would be dark by the time they got back to campus. It was also a lot later than he'd told Taeyong he was thinking he'd be back, and sure enough when he finally got on the bus and checked his phone he saw a couple texts and a voicemail from Taeyong. The texts didn't say much more than "hi," so Jaehyun listened to the voicemail.

"Hey, um, I was trying to wait until you got back but I don't know when that will be so... well, I found out I got the assistant position, for the artist that's coming." Jaehyun actually said "Oh my god!" out loud and only realized he had when Johnny stopped yelling over the seats to stare at him. Taeyong's message was still going and Jaehyun could hear the poorly concealed excitement in his voice. "Anyway, I wanted to tell you. Um, call me when you get back I guess? I hope you being this late means you guys did well. Yeah, see you later Jaehyun." Taeyong's voice had gotten somehow softer on the last sentence, and the way he said his name made something warm spread through Jaehyun's stomach.

"Was that Taeyong?" Jaehyun started a little and looked at Johnny, nodding. "Yeah," Johnny laughed, "I thought so." Jaehyun tried not to think too hard about what this might mean his face had looked like while he listened. "So what's up with him?"

"He got the assistant job, to work with that artist that's coming?"

"Oh, well, you know what that means," Johnny said solemnly. Jaehyun looked at him, uncomprehending. "We need to go out and celebrate. Mandatory. Hey Yuta!" Yuta's head popped up over a seat a few rows back. "Taeyong got the artist thing! We're going out to celebrate!"

"Oh my god," groaned Jaehyun. "Maybe he doesn't want to go out, stop using this as just another excuse for drinking."

"I would never," Johnny gasped. "And he definitely does want to go out, Jaehyun." Jaehyun gave him a skeptical look, which Johnny ignored. "You have a fake ID right? Our friend is a real artist, this calls for some classy shit, Jaehyun, not a sketchy college basement party. We're going _out_ out. Call him back and tell him."

Jaehyun rolled his eyes but he called Taeyong back and barely managed to congratulate him before Johnny tilted the phone away and started rattling off a mix of congratulations and instructions about where they'd be going later. Taeyong could barely get a word in edgewise, but Jaehyun could hear him laughing on the other end of the line and it at least seemed like Johnny had been right about Taeyong wanting to go out too. Once the call ended Jaehyun settled back in his seat and let his fatigue after the multiple games catch up to him. He drifted off to sleep with his head against the cool bus window.

~~

A few hours later, Jaehyun was clean and dressed and walking to meet Taeyong, Doyoung, Johnny, and Yuta at the bar Johnny had chosen. It would have been out of the way to all meet up first, and Jaehyun didn't mind having this time to himself. He felt a little nervous. He'd changed his clothes three times before deciding what to wear, and he never did things like that. He wanted to look nice, because they were going " _out_ out," and also because he cared what Taeyong thought about how he looked and it was sort of a special occasion after all. Jaehyun had tried to tell himself that it wasn't _that_ special of an occasion to warrant this much effort and preoccupation, but he had listened to Taeyong's voicemail twice more after he got home, and even though he felt silly his stomach flipped over both times when Taeyong's voice changed as he said the younger's name.

When Jaehyun arrived at the bar everyone else was already there, and his self-consciousness melted away quickly in the boisterousness of the place. He had found the fake ID that his friend's older brother had gotten him before he left for college, and the bouncer let him in without really looking at it. The bar was already crowded but his friends were standing around a high table in a corner that already had a round of shots on it. Doyoung passed one to Jaehyun as soon as he said hi, and the five of them tipped it back. Jaehyun saw Taeyong wince and couldn't help but find it cute. Even though Jaehyun had spent a lot of time with Taeyong, most of it hadn't been out drinking. There had really just been one party that they'd ended up at together on purpose, and that had been before anything had happened between them. Maybe this was why Jaehyun had been overthinking everything tonight.

Taeyong was on the other side of the table, and even though the space they were squeezed into was small so there wasn't much distance between them, Jaehyun still thought he was too far away. But no one else seemed to think about this much, including Taeyong, so Jaehyun tried to ignore it and stay put and not stare at the older too obviously. This was hard because, apart from it always being hard not to stare at him, Taeyong looked like he also might have thought a little more about his appearance for the occasion. He was wearing a button down shirt with a few buttons undone so his collarbone and long neck were exposed, and his hair was swept back off his forehead. Yuta left and returned with beer for all of them, and a little while later Doyoung got them all another round of shots, and the five of them got increasingly loud and Jaehyun could see Taeyong's cheeks get increasingly flushed.

At some point Johnny went to the bathroom, and since Johnny had been the only one between Jaehyun and Taeyong on that side of the table, Jaehyun finally had a way to get closer to Taeyong. He hesitated for a second but then edged around the table and took Johnny's spot, who, when he returned, barely seemed to notice the shift anyway. The bar was very loud, and they were all pretty loud themselves, but Jaehyun turned to Taeyong during a moment when everyone seemed to be distracted and nudged him a little. "Hey."

Taeyong smiled at him, his eyes very bright. He looked like he might be about to laugh. "Hey."

"Congrats."

"Yeah," Taeyong did laugh now and Jaehyun smiled automatically in response. "Thanks."

Jaehyun was about to say more but they were interrupted by Yuta shouting at them all to do a toast. However, as soon as they all were paying attention and holding up full shot glasses, Yuta held out his hand ceremoniously to Jaehyun. "What?" said Jaehyun. "No, come on, I'm not good at this stuff." This made Johnny elbow Jaehyun hard and Jaehyun noticed that Taeyong was watching him so he took a breath and said, rather clumsily, "Um, well, congratulations to Taeyong. This is an awesome opportunity and you worked really hard for it and... I'm really excited for you. Yeah."

Jaehyun could tell that Johnny was rolling his eyes but Doyoung was grinning and it seemed to be only partly out of a desire to laugh at him. He supposed if Doyoung approved he hadn't done too bad a job. They all tipped back their shots and when Jaehyun put his down on the table he felt Taeyong lean into his side. "Thanks," the older said again, more quietly this time. Jaehyun looked at him and Taeyong was looking back and smiling, and something twinged a little in Jaehyun's chest. He shifted a little and put his arm a little tentatively around Taeyong's waist and the older leaned into his side a little more and turned back to the rest of the table, still smiling.

Jaehyun was having trouble looking away himself, and then he heard himself saying, "Thank you." Taeyong tilted his head a little, like he was listening but also keeping an eye on the others carrying on around them. "I mean, for trusting me. For letting me try again." Taeyong looked back at him now, and there was something sort of complicated in his eyes, and Jaehyun hoped it wasn't doubt. He tightened his fingers against Taeyong's waist and then tipped his head forward and kissed him. He tried not to think about everyone around them and didn't really succeed at drowning those thoughts out, but at least his brain was also able to register how nice the kiss felt, how Taeyong's lips were still smiling a little against his own. 

When he pulled back he was smiling too, and then Johnny punched him excessively hard in the arm in the exact spot where he'd elbowed him a moment before, and Jaehyun fought the urge to rub it because he didn't want to let go of Taeyong. "Johnny, what the fuck," said Jaehyun indignantly, which made Johnny cackle.

"I'm just so proud of you, Hyunnie," said Johnny, still laughing. "Finally not being such a coward. It's adorable."

"Oh my god, Johnny, shut up, please." Of course Johnny didn't shut up, but he did at least go back to talking about other things and soon Jaehyun and Taeyong were absorbed into the conversation again. Jaehyun noticed Taeyong had stopped drinking which made him slow down as well, even though he was pretty sure that Taeyong just got drunk a lot faster than the rest of them and Jaehyun wasn't very drunk yet himself.

The night carried on and at some point, in the middle of a lively debate about whether soccer or baseball was better to watch on TV--a topic that Jaehyun thought Doyoung was rather brave to take on considering how outnumbered he was by soccer players--Taeyong abruptly pulled away from Jaehyun and started rummaging behind him where they'd all hung up their jackets.

He turned back around a moment later and handed Jaehyun a large manila envelope. Jaehyun raised his eyebrows. "Don't open it yet. But I wanted to give it to you," said Taeyong.

Jaehyun took the envelope, which was so flat and light it might have been empty. "Thanks? Shouldn't you be the one getting presents though? I mean, if anyone should...."

Taeyong shook his head, looking serious despite Jaehyun's smile. "It's not... a present, exactly. I don't know. Just open it later." Jaehyun nodded a little nervously and found a place to put it where he didn't think it would get wrinkled or wet.

They stayed at the bar until last call, and then spilled out into the cool night and started walking slowly back up to campus. Taeyong took Jaehyun's hand and they walked a little behind the other three boys, watching them meander over the sidewalk ahead of them. Doyoung turned back and called to them once they were on the campus paths again. "We're going to Johnny and Yuta's, let's go, why are you so far away?"

Jaehyun thought this was a bit much since they were maybe five feet behind the others. He was about to say this when Taeyong called out instead, "Go ahead, I'm too tired, I'm going to go home. Um," Taeyong turned his head to Jaehyun but then glanced away again and didn't say anything. Doyoung was still looking at them, walking backwards, but then he stumbled and turned back around, apparently forgetting about them, and Taeyong finally finished his sentence. "Do you want to come?" Jaehyun's stomach squirmed nervously. The rational part of his brain tried to tell him this reaction was silly, because they'd already had sex before, and he wasn't even sure if that was why Taeyong was inviting him over. But Jaehyun was pretty sure it was, and he couldn't stop his stomach turning over at the thought.

"...Okay," Jaehyun finally said. They continued walking in the same direction as the other three boys for a while, and then there was a lot of shouting of goodbyes and final congratulations to Taeyong, and then they were alone, walking down the path to Taeyong's dorm with the laughter of Johnny, Yuta, and Doyoung fading away behind them. They walked quietly, and Jaehyun tried to convince himself the quiet wasn't awkward--he had walked silently with Taeyong many times before, after all. But it felt different this time.

Finally Jaehyun remembered the envelope Taeyong had given him, and felt relieved to have something to do. It also allowed him to let go of Taeyong's hand, and as much as he hated to do that, his palm had been getting weirdly sweaty. He pulled out the envelope from inside his jacket and asked, "Can I open this now?" 

Taeyong looked over and nodded but didn't smile. He seemed nervous too. Jaehyun opened the flap of the envelope and slid out the single sheet of paper inside. At first he thought it was blank, but then he turned it over and stopped walking. For the second time, Jaehyun was looking at an image of himself that caught him completely off guard. He had gotten used to seeing himself in _Untitled No. 8_ after walking by so often to look at it when it had still been on display in the gallery, but the drawing he was holding now looked nothing like that painting. This drawing was done only in pencil, with no color. It was of Jaehyun lying in a bed on his back, shirtless and with the blankets twisted around his hips. Even without color it was obvious that sunlight was pouring in through the window and spilling over the bed and over Jaehyun's sleeping form.

Jaehyun couldn't look away from the drawing and he also couldn't decide how he felt about it. _Untitled No. 8_ had been a painting of him reading, sitting up and awake, but the entire painting had felt infused with something peaceful and almost dreamlike. This drawing showed Jaehyun asleep, but ironically the energy coming from it was much more intense. It was still beautiful, and Jaehyun could still recognize Taeyong's talent, even more so for how different of an effect he had achieved, but it was anything but peaceful. The lines were dark and the contrast in the shading was extreme. The shading showed the way the blankets had twisted over Jaehyun's legs, and shadows cut underneath the muscles in his torso in a way that made the sleeping figure seem as though he was in the middle of tossing around. Even though the drawn-Jaehyun's eyes were closed, there was a definite frown over his features, like he was squinting away from the sunlight or having a bad dream. Jaehyun remembered vividly the winter morning he had woken up late in Taeyong's bed and caught the older covering the drawing on his desk, _this_ drawing, it must have been. But Jaehyun hadn't thought he had looked like this in his sleep. This drawing didn't look the way he remembered feeling.

Jaehyun let his eyes wander over the drawing for a long time and then they caught on something in the corner. It was Taeyong's signature, and next to that, in much neater handwriting, _Untitled No. 9._ Jaehyun swallowed and finally made himself look at Taeyong. He felt a little scared of what he might see in the older's eyes. _Untitled No. 8_ had shown Jaehyun that Taeyong thought he was beautiful, but this drawing showed something much more complicated and he wasn't sure if he wanted to know exactly what that was. But when his eyes met Taeyong's, the older looked nervous himself, like he was worried to see Jaehyun's reaction.

Before Jaehyun could speak, Taeyong jumped in. "I know it's... not as good as the painting. It's, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have given it to you. It took me a long time to finish. Or, well, I just didn't work on it for a long time, when we... weren't speaking." Taeyong's eyes shifted to the side. Jaehyun tried to stand still and wait patiently for him to find the words he wanted to say, remembering all the times Taeyong had done the same for him. "But I finally finished it and I wanted you to see it, I guess. I know it's not as nice as the other one but I still cared when I drew it." Jaehyun blinked, unsure if he was reading into things or if Taeyong was trying to tell him something that wasn't only about the drawing.

Taeyong seemed to really be finished speaking so Jaehyun cleared his throat and said, "Thank you." He could see that Taeyong wasn't reassured. "I'm serious. It's still... this is really good, Taeyong. It's just as good as the painting, really, it's just different, but... thank you for giving it to me." He hesitated. "Um, the painting... do you still have it?"

Taeyong looked at him. "Yeah, I still have it. I threw it out, actually." Jaehyun's stomach dropped. "But Doyoung found it in the trash and... well, he gave it back to me a couple weeks ago. And that's when I finished this drawing. I had no idea he had it this whole time."

"Why did he?" asked Jaehyun tentatively.

Taeyong pushed his hand through his hair, which messed up the style and made him look a little more like Jaehyun was used to seeing him. "I think he just knew it was important and that even if I never ended up wanting to see it again maybe the trash wasn't really where it should end up."

Jaehyun let out his breath. "I always knew Doyoung was smart."

He had meant this seriously, but Taeyong let out a surprised laugh in response. "Yeah, he is, but please don't tell him that. He already thinks he's smart enough."

Jaehyun smiled too, a little thrown off by the abrupt change in the conversation, but relieved that the tension had broken somewhat. Looking at the drawing made him feel guilty, because he knew it was his fault that Taeyong hadn't been able to just draw a perfect, pretty version of him anymore. But despite that Taeyong was still here, in front of him, with a smile on his face. Jaehyun took a step forward and wrapped his arms around Taeyong, careful not to wrinkle the paper in his hand. "I know last time I said this there wasn't any reason for you to believe it, but... I really do love you, Taeyong. I really do." Taeyong was quiet, but he put his arms around Jaehyun's back, and Jaehyun thought that was at least something. They stood like that for a long time, and when they finally started walking down the path again, Jaehyun didn't think the silence was so awkward.

~~

The nerves came back, though, as they were climbing the stairs to Taeyong and Doyoung's dorm. Jaehyun didn't quite understand the feeling, or the reason for it. He would have understood feeling nervous if he still wasn't sure about Taeyong's feelings for him, if he was just scared of being rejected. But he knew he wouldn't be, not just because of tonight and the way seeing the drawing had somehow seemed to put everything to rest, but because of the past couple weeks, and how they'd been getting closer again in a way that felt more real than the last time because now it included other people they cared about too. Maybe, Jaehyun reasoned, that was exactly why he was nervous, because it all felt so much more significant now. Admittedly his nerves were also mixed with anticipation and excitement, because so much time had passed, and he wanted Taeyong so badly he was already having trouble thinking straight before they even got inside. 

Taeyong opened the door and walked in first, closing the door behind them after Jaehyun walked past him into the room. Jaehyun hadn't been here since the night he'd ran into Doyoung and Taeyong had told him to leave. His stomach twisted at the memory, but he reminded himself that that things were different now, that he was different. And when he looked up and saw the way Taeyong was looking at him, still standing near the door, he could tell Taeyong was thinking about how different things were now too. 

Jaehyun turned and put the drawing, back in its envelope, carefully on the coffee table behind him. And then he stepped forward and took Taeyong's face gently in his hands and kissed him. His fingertips felt weird, almost buzzing against the warm skin of Taeyong's jaw. He slipped his tongue into the older's mouth and felt Taeyong put his hands on his hips and step closer. Jaehyun turned a little without breaking the kiss and started to walk them towards Taeyong's room. Taeyong stepped backwards a little clumsily and Jaehyun wrapped his arm around his small waist to steady him. Once they were in the bedroom and the door was closed he slid his arm up the back of Taeyong's shirt, feeling the bumps of his spine and the jut of his shoulder blades, simultaneously remembering Taeyong's body and thinking that it almost seemed to feel new, as though he had never touched it before. 

Jaehyun continued kissing him and he could hear, or maybe feel, Taeyong's breath get quicker against his mouth, but he didn't move them any closer to the bed, and Taeyong didn't seem to mind being patient and following his lead. Jaehyun's head swam a little at this thought. Jaehyun let his hands move over Taeyong's skin under his shirt, first over his back and then up his sides. Their chests and stomachs were pressed together and Jaehyun wanted to touch Taeyong there too but didn't want to move away, even to make space for his hands. He didn't do anything more for a while, just held him and kissed him hard. Partly he felt hesitant, a little nervous that he might do something and Taeyong would pull away, even though he knew this worry was entirely in his own head--he could feel Taeyong starting to harden against him as he pressed his hand into the small of the older's back and their bodies got even closer. Partly Jaehyun just wanted to take his time. He felt different than he had before, the other times he'd been with Taeyong, and he wanted the older to feel that it was different too. He wanted him to feel that it was better. 

Jaehyun broke the kiss finally and stepped away to pull his own shirt off over his head. Taeyong was flushed and out of breath and it almost hurt to look at him. Taeyong's eyes scanned down Jaehyun's chest and he started undoing the buttons of his own shirt. 

"No, wait," Jaehyun had been unzipping his jeans but he reached up and gently caught Taeyong's wrist. The older looked surprised and a little uncertain. "I just, don't do anything. I'll do it. I'll do everything, Taeyong, I want to..." Jaehyun couldn't recognize his own voice and part of him wanted to cringe at what he was saying but Taeyong was staring at him with his eyes very wide and his bottom lip between his teeth. He didn't seem to find Jaehyun's words embarrassing at all. "I want to..." Jaehyun started again, "make you feel good. You don't have to do anything, let me do it. I just... always want to make you feel good." Taeyong released his lip from his teeth and let out his breath. 

Jaehyun finished taking off his own clothes and then stepped forward and kissed Taeyong again. He started unbuttoning the older's shirt himself and pulled away to slide it off over his shoulders. He trailed his fingers down Taeyong's body and watched him shiver and laugh quietly in an embarrassed sort of way, and when his fingers reached the waistband of Taeyong's jeans he undid them and pushed them and his boxers down over his narrow hips until they hit the floor. Jaehyun slid his thumb over the smooth angle of one hip bone and wondered if he would ever get used to Taeyong's body, to getting to have Taeyong's body like this. He put his hands on Taeyong's waist and moved in again and kissed him and felt a little dizzy from how much warm skin there was now against his own. He kissed Taeyong's cheek and then his neck and then the jut of his collarbone and then he sucked a mark into the flat smooth plane of the older's chest and heard his breath catch. 

Jaehyun moved slowly down Taeyong's body, sliding his tongue over his nipple which made him whimper, kissing his ribs and his stomach, until his knees hit the floor. He kissed Taeyong's thigh and his hip and then took his cock into his mouth. He shifted and took him in deeper and slid his hands around the back of Taeyong's thighs and started to find a rhythm, pulling back when he needed to breathe and swirling his tongue around the head. Taeyong slid his fingers into Jaehyun's hair but let him set the pace and Jaehyun tried not to get distracted by the sound of Taeyong's breath getting faster and the way his stomach kept contracting like it was pulling back towards his spine. After a moment Jaehyun pulled back a little and slid two of his fingers into his mouth. He glanced up at Taeyong and saw him staring back, his bottom lip looking bitten and sweat starting to shine at his temples and across the bridge of his nose. Jaehyun tried to keep his eyes up as he slid his hand back between Taeyong's thighs and slipped his fingers over his entrance. He slid his mouth back down Taeyong's shaft as far as he could, wincing a little, and pressed one wet finger inside Taeyong. He could feel the muscles in the backs of the older's thighs tighten, and he watched as Taeyong's eyes squinted shut and his head dropped forward.

Jaehyun began to move his mouth again, trying to keep time with his fingers too. His knees were starting to hurt against the floor but he didn't mind. He took Taeyong into his mouth even deeper, until his nose pressed into the hair at the base and he could feel Taeyong's dick at the back of his throat. The older made a breathy noise above him. He pushed a second finger into Taeyong and the older moaned this time, his own fingers tightening in Jaehyun's hair. He started to suck him off in earnest now, holding Taeyong's hip with one hand and working him open with the other. He could feel Taeyong's legs starting to shake and then his fingers brushed past something inside him and the older's knees buckled. He gripped Jaehyun's shoulders hard. "Fuck." Taeyong's voice was mostly breath.

Jaehyun slid off Taeyong's dick and coughed and then pushed at Taeyong's hips until he started stepping backwards. "Jaehyun, what--" Jaehyun kept pushing Taeyong and shuffled forward on his knees until the older's legs hit his bed and he sat down hard. Taeyong was looking at Jaehyun with an expression like he'd never seen him before and Jaehyun wondered a little nervously what he looked like. Jaehyun pushed Taeyong's thighs open and licked all the way up his dick. Taeyong hummed and leaned back onto his elbows, still staring at Jaehyun kneeling on the floor between his legs. Jaehyun tilted his head and kissed the inside of Taeyong's thigh, softly, and then he moved to the other thigh and kissed it too. The skin was so soft and Jaehyun could feel the muscles twitch under his lips and he sucked on the skin there until Taeyong's whimpers turned into gasps and he pushed the younger's head away. Jaehyun licked over the spot. "Fuck, Jaehyun, what the _fuck_...."

"I told you I wanted to make you feel good." Jaehyun's voice was hoarse. "It feels good right?"

"Yeah, it feels good," Taeyong was clearly trying to calm down.

Jaehyun kissed the tender spot softly and Taeyong groaned, sounding almost exasperated. Jaehyun pushed the older's thighs up and kept kissing him, and then he leaned forwards so Taeyong's knees were pushed almost to his chest and kissed down the backs of his thighs to his ass, and then he licked his tongue flat over his entrance. Taeyong made a choked sort of sound and squirmed. "What are you doing?"

Jaehyun looked up. "Is... is it okay?"

"Yeah, I mean, how do you... know how to do this?" Jaehyun raised his eyebrows. 

"I... don't? I just... saw it in porn, I guess. But I want to? Please?"

"Jaehyun, what the fuck."

Jaehyun's stomach turned over. "What?"

"Why are you like this? Why are you so... why do you say things like that?" Taeyong was avoiding his eyes.

Jaehyun pulled away a little. His face felt very hot and his chest hurt a little. "Sorry."

Taeyong's eyes snapped back to his. "What? No, oh my god, Jaehyun, that's not what I meant." Taeyong had looked worried when he first looked back at Jaehyun but now he looked a little like he was trying not to laugh. "Fuck, Jaehyun, you're so fucking cute. You saw it in porn? And you're saying please?" Jaehyun just stared, feeling sort of unbalanced, faintly registering that Taeyong's knees had settled over his shoulders which seemed like an odd way to have a conversation. Taeyong looked at Jaehyun's bewildered face and did laugh a little but it was a gentle sort of sound. "You're just, I don't even know, it just does things to me to hear you say stuff like that. It... does things to me to see you trying so hard. But," Taeyong's face had become serious again, "You don't, um, have to, you know, anymore. I want to do this, I mean, I want to be with you. So you don't have to do something just 'cause you saw it in porn or.... I don't know, I don't want you to think you still aren't forgiven or something, and that's why you're treating me like this."

Jaehyun was having some trouble processing everything Taeyong had said. His brain hadn't been expecting to have to deal with so much information in such an aroused state. And once Taeyong had said _I want to be with you_ it had been even harder to keep paying attention. Jaehyun's chest felt strangely light, like it was filled with air. "I'm not doing this because I feel guilty, if that's what you mean," Jaehyun said softly. Taeyong looked at him. The older's eyes had been shifting around a lot when he had been speaking but now they were very still, his whole body was still. Jaehyun didn't want to say anything else. He turned his head a little, still eyeing Taeyong, and kissed the inside of the older's knee, and then he pushed his thighs back up again suddenly enough to make Taeyong exhale loudly, like he'd been hit in the chest.

Jaehyun licked over Taeyong's entrance again and then pressed his tongue against him. He really wasn't exactly sure what he was doing but he could already hear Taeyong's breath quickening. He slid the tip of his tongue over him and felt his hole flutter and clench at the sensation. He pushed two fingers back inside Taeyong and heard the older groan above him, felt his body shift as he dropped flat onto his back. Jaehyun continued fucking him with his fingers and using his tongue as best as he could. The taste was weird but it sort of turned him on. It all seemed extremely intimate, especially because it was something he would never have imagined he would ever do to someone, but now he genuinely wanted to be doing it to Taeyong.

Jaehyun curved his fingers up and hit the bundle of nerves he'd been looking for almost right away and Taeyong arched his back off the bed, one of his feet pushing against Jaehyun's shoulder. "Jaehyun, Jae, yes, fuck." Jaehyun had forgotten how hot it was to hear Taeyong like this, to hear him curse. Jaehyun tried to keep doing what he had been doing to make Taeyong call out, and he could hear the older's moans getting more high-pitched, more like gasps. Taeyong's foot was pushing against his shoulder almost painfully hard. Jaehyun moved his fingers more quickly and Taeyong let out a sound that was almost a sob. Jaehyun lifted his face for a moment. Taeyong had one hand gripping the back of one knee and the other arm thrown over his face. Jaehyun pushed a third finger in and at the same time took his dick in his mouth as far as he could. The suddenness made him gag but he didn't pull off and the feeling passed and he swallowed around Taeyong's cock and heard him make a frantic sound. "Fuck, Jae, fuck, I'm gonna come, no, fuck." His voice was higher pitched as well. " _Jae._ " He came. Jaehyun could taste it in the back of his throat and he could feel Taeyong clenching around his fingers. He swallowed and kept his lips around Taeyong's dick until the older pushed him off, shuddering. "Stop, fuck, Jae...." Jaehyun sat back a little and pulled his fingers out and wiped them on the sheets. One of Taeyong's legs dropped down to the floor and the foot that had been resting on Jaehyun's shoulder slid down his back so his leg draped over Jaehyun's shoulder instead.

Jaehyun could feel Taeyong shaking. He kissed his thigh because it was closest to his face and Taeyong whimpered and squirmed on the bed. Finally Jaehyun pushed himself up off his knees. They were very red from pressing into the hard floor for so long and he stretched, cracking his back. Taeyong seemed dazed. He was staring at the ceiling and his stomach kept clenching. Jaehyun could see his chest rising and falling rapidly and his skin shone with a sheen of sweat.

Jaehyun climbed over him. "Hey. Hey..." he kept his voice soft and Taeyong barely seemed to hear. "Move up here a little, you're gonna fall off the bed, baby." Taeyong blinked and scooched up the bed a little but as soon as he was high enough that his legs weren't completely hanging off anymore he dropped limply into the mattress again. Jaehyun kissed his cheek softly and then couldn't stop kissing him, on his neck and shoulders and chest, and he slid his hands over his body everywhere he could reach. The older's skin was hot against his lips and under his fingers and he could feel his muscles jump every once in a while. Jaehyun finally kissed Taeyong's lips. "You okay?" Taeyong hummed in response and Jaehyun kissed him again, deeply, opening his mouth and sliding his tongue in, drumming his fingers over the older's collarbone, pressing his palm over his ribs.

He kept speaking against Taeyong's mouth, between kisses. "That was so hot, baby, I liked that so much." Taeyong let out a breath like he didn't quite believe it. "I did, I did, really, I liked it, I like the way you taste." Taeyong made a small sound against his mouth and Jaehyun could barely hear it but it made the back of his neck prickle. The older seemed to be regaining his energy. He reached up and slid his hand flat against Jaehyun's side, then wrapped it around his back and pressed their bodies together. The sudden contact against his cock after so long going untouched was startling and Jaehyun moaned without thinking about holding back. Taeyong rolled his hips up against him and the younger gasped. "Taeyong, Taeyong, are you ready? Just tell me when, baby, please. Fuck, I want to be inside you so bad, baby, I missed you so much. I really missed you." He almost kept going, almost said _I love you_ , but even though he'd said it before, he wasn't sure saying it in the midst of sex when he could barely think straight was the best idea. And Taeyong still hadn't said it back, maybe he didn't want to keep hearing it all the time. So Jaehyun kissed him instead, harder this time. Part of him wanted to still be gentle, to take his time, but he was having trouble holding back. He could feel the muscles in his lower back aching from trying to hold himself still.

Taeyong was still trembling slightly but his hands were digging into Jaehyun's back. "Are you good Taeyong? Are you okay? I want to fuck you, baby, please, oh my god Taeyong, I want you so much. You don't know how good it feels to be inside you, it's perfect, you're perfect, baby. Please let me fuck you, please, I can't--"

"Okay," said Taeyong. His voice was quiet but it sounded like he was having difficulty keeping it that way.

Jaehyun actually let out a breath. He hadn't really thought Taeyong would say no but maybe part of him had still been nervous, because the feeling that filled him now was definitely relief. "Oh god baby, thank you, fuck, Taeyong...." He kissed him again, and it was almost hard to pull away to find a condom and the lube in the bedside table. He felt weird for a moment, thinking about how he knew exactly where these things would be, thinking about the last time he had been here, the last time they'd done this. But he pushed the memory away and turned back to Taeyong.

His breath left him. Taeyong had rolled over onto his stomach and pushed a pillow under his hips so his small ass was raised in the air. His legs were spread open. He had turned his face so he was facing Jaehyun and he was watching him with his eyes very large and one cheek smushed against the mattress. His face looked so cute like that and his body looked so perfect and Jaehyun wasn't sure he'd ever been so turned on. The thought flickered through his mind that if he didn't calm down he was going to come as soon as he pushed inside.

He took a breath and kneeled behind Taeyong, rolling on the condom and squeezing lube over Taeyong's entrance and his own dick. He bent down and kissed the soft skin of Taeyong's ass. "You're so perfect, Taeyong," he murmered, and the older pushed his hips up a little higher. Jaehyun sat up again and spread Taeyong open and watched himself slide into him slowly. It was almost excruciating moving so slow. He bottomed out and felt Taeyong suddenly tighten around his dick and he grunted at the sensation, his own stomach muscles clenching too. "You okay, baby?" Taeyong made a sound into the mattress that sounded like a yes. 

Jaehyun leaned over the older, bracing his hands on either side of him, looking down at himself and pulling out slowly before pushing all the way back in. He started picking up speed and Taeyong's breath turned to gasps and then moans every time he pushed back inside. "Fuck," Jaehyun breathed. "You feel so good, baby, you feel even better than I remembered. I, fuck, how are you even real...." He knew he was babbling, saying things that didn't make sense, saying things without thinking which always seemed to happen when they were having sex, but he couldn't stop, and he thought Taeyong liked hearing it. "This feels good for you too, right, baby? Tell me, come on, tell me what you want. I told you I just want to make you feel good, Taeyong, baby, come on. What do you want?" Taeyong didn't answer and just moaned.

Jaehyun ducked down and kissed the back of Taeyong's shoulder, the back of his neck. He sucked a mark there and Taeyong moaned louder. "Wait, Jaehyunnie, wait, let me--" He squirmed a little but didn't finish what he was saying. Jaehyun tried to stop moving but it was hard.

"What?" He was out of breath. "What do you want, baby, just tell me, come on."

"Let me get on top." Jaehyun slipped out of him and rolled onto his back and Taeyong climbed on top of him and the sight was almost dizzying. His chest was flushed and his nipples were hard and very pink. Taeyong pushed his hand back through his hair and his temples were damp with sweat; a drop rolled down in front of his ear. Jaehyun was distracted from these details when Taeyong slid down onto him all the way, faster than he'd been expecting. 

Jaehyun's breath caught and he groaned. "Oh my god, oh my god, fuck." Taeyong started to move, bracing his hands on Jaehyun's chest. Being able to see Taeyong, to see his face, his chest and stomach, the tense lines of muscle in his arms, his dick bobbing as he moved faster, was almost too much. Jaehyun could feel his orgasm building already even though it was too soon and his skin almost crawled with it.

He gripped Taeyong's hips, then slid one hand over his stomach, then up to Taeyong's chest. He pinched his nipple and Taeyong whimpered and moaned and said, "Yes, fuck, please," so he pinched it harder. Taeyong pushed his hand through his hair again and tipped his head back and then put his hand on his own dick.

"No, baby, not yet, wait, let me do it, not yet." Jaehyun took the older's wrist and pulled it away and he made a frustrated sound but didn't resist. Instead he leaned down and kissed Jaehyun, and then shifted so his whole body was pressed against the younger. He buried his face in Jaehyun's neck and Jaehyun wrapped his arm around the older's small waist and shifted his legs and started fucking up into him hard. Taeyong let out high pitched breathy sounds with every thrust. Jaehyun could tell he was close. "You like that right, baby? You like when I... fuck you like this right? Fuck." Taeyong was almost huddled into him, clinging to him, and Jaehyun reached down with one hand and grabbed his ass, and then slapped it, not hard, but enough to make Taeyong whimper and grip the younger's bicep.

Jaehyun rolled them over suddenly, with his arm still all the way around Taeyong's waist so he kept their bodies pressed together and didn't pull out. He kissed Taeyong desperately and fucked into him harder and Taeyong opened his legs and kissed him back as best he could between his moans. "Taeyong, Taeyong," Jaehyun moaned, "Fuck, you feel so fucking good, you're so good, baby. Taeyong, I love you, fuck, I love you so much." Whatever had kept Jaehyun from saying it earlier was gone, he didn't even think about holding back his words now.

His arm was still around Taeyong, under his back, and he could feel the muscles there clench as Taeyong arched his back up more. "I'm gonna come, Jae, oh my god I want to come, please touch me, please." So Jaehyun did, shifting so he could reach down between them without losing his balance, without slowing his pace. Taeyong came quickly and almost as soon as Jaehyun felt the warm fluid against his skin he came too, moaning the older's name into his ear. He came down slowly, and turned his head to kiss Taeyong's sweaty cheek. He wanted to kiss every inch of skin the older had.

He rolled them over again, this time sliding out of Taeyong as he did, until he was on his back again and Taeyong was lying on top of him. Jaehyun wrapped both arms around him and squeezed until the older laughed, out of breath now from being crushed as well as from the sex. "Ow, Jaehyun, what are you doing?"

Jaehyun found the older's cheek with his lips again. "I don't know. I just want you to be close."

"Oh my god, Jae, is this what you're always like?"

"No, it's not." Jaehyun didn't think Taeyong had been asking a serious question but he was serious as he answered. "None of this is what I'm always like, Taeyong. I've never been like this with anyone." His voice was soft and he could almost feel Taeyong's expression turning thoughtful, his smile fading.

The older was quiet for a while. Jaehyun rubbed his hand up and down Taeyong's back and found the rhythm of it soothing himself. Their breathing had evened out before Taeyong spoke. "Me neither." Jaehyun's hand paused on Taeyong's shoulder blade, and then he made himself keep moving it. "I know I don't really talk about this as much as you, I don't know, but I've never felt this way either, Jaehyun. I guess, I mean, I do... I love you, too."

Jaehyun stayed still except for the hand stroking over Taeyong's skin. The light, airy feeling had returned to his chest. After a moment he turned his head and kissed Taeyong's forehead. He rolled them over onto their sides as carefully as possible, so they were facing each other, and he kissed Taeyong on the lips until he realized the older was trembling. "Are you cold?" Taeyong nodded. Jaehyun's skin had cooled down too, the sweat chilling him a little, but Taeyong had always gotten cold more easily. "Come on." Jaehyun got up and pulled Taeyong up after him and then led him out of the room by the hand. Taeyong followed quietly which made Jaehyun feel a little funny, like this inconsequential act of trust, more than anything else, finally convinced him that they were really going to be okay.

He led them into the bathroom and ran the water in the shower until steam started to billow up and then he stepped in and pulled Taeyong in by the hand too, positioning them so the older was under the water. Taeyong tipped his head back and wet his hair and Jaehyun found himself staring at how the older looked with his hair slicked wet against his scalp like that. Everything looked softer with all the steam, and the water ran quickly down Taeyong's skin, which was turning pink from the heat.

Jaehyun blinked and came back to himself when he saw Taeyong reaching for some soap on the side of the tub. He reached down and took it from him. "No, Taeyong, I told you to let me do everything, right?" Taeyong looked at him with his slightly amused look but didn't protest as Jaehyun began smoothing the soap against his wet skin. He went slowly, and he knew he was staring as he did, but he couldn't help it, he didn't want to help it. He patiently cleaned Taeyong's whole body, even crouching down to clean his feet, and Taeyong let him and didn't say anything. And then he stood back up and gently pushed the older back under the water and watched the bubbles slide over his skin.

When the soap was gone he leaned down and kissed one of Taeyong's nipples, and the water ran over his lips and into his mouth. He put his hands on Taeyong's waist and slid his tongue over his nipple slowly and just kissed him there. Taeyong held Jaehyun's arms, like he was trying to keep his balance, and then Jaehyun kissed across his chest and over his other nipple, and Taeyong slid his fingers into Jaehyun's hair and pressed his mouth harder against his chest. And then Jaehyun kissed up to the older's mouth and turned him around slowly and still neither of them said anything. Jaehyun felt a little strange, this felt different than before in the bed, slower and less frantic, almost dreamlike. He kissed Taeyong's neck and pressed his hard cock between the cleft of his ass and moved like that for a while until Taeyong pushed his hips back into him.

Jaehyun dropped his forehead against Taeyong's shoulder. "Fuck, Taeyong, I want to...."

Taeyong stilled, his ass still pressed back against Jaehyun's cock. "Do it."

"I don't, I mean, there's no condom."

"It's okay." Jaehyun still hesitated. "I mean, you don't... have anything, right?"

"No. I've never done it without a condom."

"Really?" Jaehyun kept his head against Taeyong's shoulder and made an affirmative sound. "Well, then it's okay. I got tested in the summer. And I've only had sex with you, this whole year."

"Really?" Jaehyun asked this time, lifting his head.

Taeyong turned his head a little more. "Why are you surprised?"

"Because... you're beautiful. I'm serious, don't make that face. And because... I saw you... at that party a while ago. You left with another guy."

Taeyong fully turned his head now and stared. It looked like he was thinking about a lot of things to say. But then his face cleared and he just said, "We didn't have sex." Jaehyun looked at him. "I couldn't."

It was silent for a moment. "Fuck." Jaehyun kissed him, and wrapped his arms around his stomach and chest, and pressed up against his back. This time when Taeyong pushed back against him he reached down and held himself and slid inside. The feeling was intense. He fucked Taeyong slowly, and kissed all the skin he could reach, and Taeyong pressed up against the tiled wall and pushed his hips back in time with Jaehyun's thrusts. The hot water hit them both from the side, and the steam filled the bathroom and made it hard to breathe as they both started to moan. When Jaehyun knew he was close he reached down and started stroking Taeyong, the water letting his hand slide easily, and once Taeyong finished he pulled out and stroked himself and came over the older's back, and then he watched his come slide off Taeyong's skin and wash down the drain. Jaehyun turned Taeyong back around, and made sure he was all clean again, and kissed him deeply, and murmured that he loved him.

They finally climbed out of the shower and Jaehyun wrapped Taeyong up with a towel around his shoulders and hugged him and laughed at Taeyong's indignant face. He found a clean towel for himself and dried off his hair and then wrapped it around his waist while Taeyong, free of Jaehyun's embrace, did the same.

By the time they got back into Taeyong's room, Jaehyun felt like everything was finally catching up to him. He was exhausted. He didn't think it was just the sex although that was part of it. Even though the past few weeks had been really good, a small part of him had still been hesitant, nervous that he might still mess up, that Taeyong was still on the fence about being with him. This week, since they had kissed, had been better, but he still found himself watching Taeyong closely to guage his reactions to everything he did or said. Jaehyun had been happy again, certainly, but it hadn't been a completely relaxed kind of happiness.

Now that last piece of doubt was gone, not only because of what they had just done, but because of everything that had happened since they had ended up alone earlier. The drawing, and being back in this room again after so long, and Taeyong telling him he loved him too, and Jaehyun making Taeyong come with his mouth and then twice more inside him. His brain finally felt calm, and his body felt loose and tired, and this all combined to make it hard to keep his eyes open as they walked into Taeyong's room and closed the door.

Jaehyun draped his damp towel over the desk chair and managed despite his exhaustion to find their clothes on the floor and fold them because he knew otherwise Taeyong would do it himself. Taeyong was still wrapped in his towel and was straightening out the sheets, fixing the pillows. Jaehyun helped him but it was mostly so that he could lie down sooner, and as soon as Taeyong stood up, apparently content with the shape the bed was now in, Jaehyun dropped onto the bed on his back. Taeyong went over to his dresser and started opening drawers. "No," said Jaehyun. "No, Taeyong, come here baby. Just sleep like this, come on." He could hear an edge of a whine in his voice and when Taeyong glanced over at him he knew the older had heard it too, but he didn't look bothered. He hesitated, a pair of sweats in his hand, and Jaehyun reached out his hand to beckon him over. Taeyong rolled his eyes but walked over to the bed, hesitating for a second before undoing the towel, like he was suddenly shy.

Jaehyun had laid down on top of the blankets but now he wriggled underneath them and held them up for Taeyong, who slipped in beside him. Jaehyun rolled onto his side and faced the older, running his hand over his damp hair and then settling his arm over his waist. Taeyong skin was still very warm from the shower, and soft as Jaehyun stroked his thumb over the older's spine. Jaehyun's eyes had already closed. He could feel Taeyong's breath hit his skin at the base of his throat, and he moved a little closer, tangling their legs together. He was almost asleep when he felt warm lips gently press against his own, and heard a soft whisper saying "I love you."

~~

The next morning when Jaehyun woke up, he saw Taeyong's huge, dark eyes staring back at him. Jaehyun blinked. They were still pretty much lying the way they had fallen asleep, on their sides with Jaehyun's arm around Taeyong's waist and Taeyong's hands tucked between their chests. "Good morning," Jaehyun mumbled, and Taeyong smiled, a suddenly bright smile that made Jaehyun smile back automatically despite the sleep that still fogged his brain. Taeyong kissed his nose quickly and then climbed out of bed, ignoring Jaehyun's sounds of protest. The older pulled on sweat pants and a large t-shirt and left, closing the door gently.

Jaehyun rolled over onto his back and stretched, groaning, letting his eyes close again. He could hear the bathroom door close, and water running in the sink faintly behind it. The bathroom door opened and Jaehyun smiled a little to himself, expecting Taeyong to be back beside him at any moment. But instead he heard Doyoung's voice calling "Good morning" and Taeyong answering, his voice getting fainter as he walked past his room down the hall towards the kitchen. Jaehyun listened to the indistinguishable sounds of their voices for a while. He felt suddenly self conscious, lying naked in Taeyong's bed while he could hear Taeyong talking to his roommate outside. He wondered if Doyoung knew he was there. Probably. He wondered when he had gotten home last night. He hadn't heard him arrive but that didn't mean much; he hadn't been paying a lot of attention.

Finally he decided he couldn't stay in Taeyong's bed like a coward forever, so he got up and rummaged around in Taeyong's dresser until he found some more sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt. He at least didn't want to show up in front of Doyoung in last night's clothes. Luckily most of Taeyong's wardrobe was too big for him so it fit Jaehyun fine.

As he turned around to look for his phone, his eyes fell on a familiar painting propped up against the lamp on the desk. He walked over and looked at it. _Untitled No. 8._ It felt like it had been such a long time since he'd first seen it in the gallery and been so shocked, and he thought of the new drawing, _Untitled No. 9,_ probably still on the coffee table where he'd left it the night before. He smiled a little and drummed his fingers on the desk, and then he grabbed his phone and went out of the room.

He went to the bathroom and washed his face and when he decided he looked as presentable as he was going to get he went out into the kitchen, following the sounds of Taeyong's and Doyoung's voices and the smells of something cooking. "Hey," he said as he entered. The kitchen was really just a small corner of the living room. Taeyong was sitting at the table that cut it off from the rest of the space, and Doyoung was standing up over the stove, talking to Taeyong with his back to him. They both looked up and said hi, and then Doyoung continued whenever he was talking about, and Taeyong grinned at Jaehyun. Jaehyun sat down at the table too, noticing that half of it was already covered in food. Taking advantage of Doyoung pausing to breathe, he asked, "Are you cooking for the whole building?"

Doyoung glanced over his shoulder. "Ah, well, I'm pretty sure I drunkenly promised Johnny and Yuta the best homecooked breakfast they could imagine last night so, well, here we are."

Jaehyun nodded thoughtfully. "Honestly, you're probably not even overestimating their appetites." The conversation moved on, and Jaehyun was relieved how easy it was, how normal Doyoung was being about Jaehyun's presence. Doyoung treating it like something that made complete sense made Jaehyun relax, too, and stop feeling awkward. Taeyong was mostly quiet, laughing at things Doyoung or Jaehyun said but not saying much himself, seemingly content just to watch them and listen.

There was a knock on the door and Taeyong got up to let Johnny and Yuta in, and the volume in the kitchen increased considerably. Jaehyun had no idea how the three of them were in such high spirits after getting so drunk the night before. Doyoung managed to finish cooking despite the added task of swatting Johnny's hands away from the food, and Yuta turned on a soccer game being played somewhere on the other side of the world and the noise of the announcers ran under their conversation. Doyoung, it turned out, had not been exaggerating when he'd sold his cooking as the "best homecooked breakfast they could imagine," and they were all glad he had made a quanity that could have fed the entire soccer team. Jaehyun paused for a moment amidst all this bustle and chaos. He glanced at Taeyong and found the older already looking at him and the way he smiled caught Jaehyun off guard and made all the noise filling the dorm fade away a little. He smiled back, and then Doyoung called for Taeyong to back him up on something he was trying to convince Yuta of, and Taeyong turned back to the conversation. Jaehyun watched him for a moment longer, drinking in the way his face screwed up when he laughed, and then he watched all his friends talking and laughing together, making enough noise that they could probably be heard down the hall, and his own smile only grew. 


End file.
